#1
i keep writing you
first in english, printed letters
followed with cursive
then in spanish, and german;
russian, and then japanese.
i write to you in all of these texts
i illustrate my worth in pulsing typography
but you won't write back.

i keep calling you
though i don't know your number,
each day i sit, dialing at random.
i hear all the aforementioned languages
asking 'hello?'
yet when I ask for you,
i am left with only dial tone.

i keep thinking of you
i would like to believe i miss you,
but i embrace my ability to let go.


something small, a bit different than what i usually write.
five dollars to whomever understands what its about!
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Jul 14, 2009,
#2
A STALKER!!!!!!!!!!!!! now i want my money
"you have a short attention span...

NO were not."-metalocalypse
#3
I really like this, with one small exception. "Aforementioned" just screams at me that it doesn't belong. May I suggest something like:

"I hear many languages"

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#4
Quote by dethbymetal15
A STALKER!!!!!!!!!!!!! now i want my money


That would be too obvious, I'm gonna say it's a religious song :P just a guess.

As for the song... I did like the use of a more complex vocabulary, however, it did make the song a bit wordy. And I'm really intrigued as to what the song actually means, good job.
Arcane Echo

Just call me Ethan
#5
Quote by Arcane_Echo
That would be too obvious, I'm gonna say it's a religious song :P just a guess.

As for the song... I did like the use of a more complex vocabulary, however, it did make the song a bit wordy. And I'm really intrigued as to what the song actually means, good job.


5$
its not a song, just a poem.
poems are allowed to be wordy :P
this one is for you.
#6
I agree that poems are allowed to be wordy, however, in song format, wordy tends to come off as cacophonous. Nevertheless, it was well written.
Arcane Echo

Just call me Ethan
#7
I picked it was about God right away

I liked this very much, Erik. It had a great tone, simple writing and strong message.
#8
Quote by Ebshabutiee
i keep writing you
first in english, printed letters
followed up with cursive
I think "up" slows the flow too much. I say it works better without it.





that's all I have to be picky about. I thought this was very good. I think it was successful and well executed. A fine idea as well. The simplicity and straightforward, disinterested (<- not quite the word I'm looking for but close) tone works well here and adds to the, sort of giving up mood.

Very nice, man. Hopefully I can be more helpful next time.
~Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me