#1
[font="Book Antiqua"]"well it could be worse"
he told me, as i stared blankly
at the stark contrast:
dirty red face;
clean white walls.
like a mugshot for a dead man.

"i ain't gonna be around
in two months right?"
he laughs, and together
it sounds like a weather report.

"i guess that puts things into perspective".

outside the birds sang
and the sun shone
and the winds blew
and the rain fell
and the flowers grew
and the bees danced
and the crooked cherry tree
held an image
unpleasantly familiar
for the both of us.

i stood up,
stretched almost as if i felt normal,
(though of course i could
only think of one thing)
and left.[/FONT]



very ots. i'll c4c
#2
Quote by michal23
[font="Book Antiqua"]"well it could be worse"
he told me, as i stared blankly
at the stark contrast:
dirty red face;
clean white walls.
like a mugshot for a dead man.
[b]I'm not sure about what you mean by "dirty red faces".[/b]

"i ain't gonna be around
in two months right?"
he laughs, and together
it sounds like a weather report.
[b]I love this whole image, the weather report line was stellar.[/b]

"i guess that puts things into perspective". [b]Ehhhh...[/b]

outside the birds sang
and the sun shone
and the winds blew
and the rain fell
and the flowers grew
and the bees danced
and the crooked cherry tree
held an image
unpleasantly familiar
for the both of us. [b]I enjoyed this stanza quite a bit.[/b]

i stood up,
stretched almost as if i felt normal,
(though of course i could
only think of one thing)
and left.[/FONT]



very ots. i'll c4c


This really didn't seem to go anywhere. I enjoyed reading it, but it was empty. I just didn't get anything, it felt static, there was no context, nothing to grab me. Which was a let down because it was written so well. Develop the characters, the story. Give me something more than "he". Who is he? Why do I care about him? What's his story? What's your story? You need to give me something more than the bare basics and pretty images.
#3
"i ain't gonna be around
in two months right?"
he laughs, and together
it sounds like a weather report.


together with what?

blew/grew rhyme was silliness.

I liked it. But the brackets and quotations made it feel disconnected from the character, which made the ending weak.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I liked it very much, but I think it feels like its missing a vital part. The first stanza was a little confusing, but other than that it was great.
Free at last! Free at last! God Almighty FREE AT LAST!
I Pan-Tallica
#5
I liked the "unsaid" part a whole lot more than the said part.

I liked that you left some of this covered and untouched... but you still left a very hollow piece in teh forefront. You didn't give us enough to give a **** about either character; and no matter what you intended, this came out as a character driven piece... because we don't know for sure what they are talking about.

I think this is a good start and a good idea, but you need to fill it out more... let your piece hit puberty and grow up some more. Give us more to latch on to. Give us more to sink our teeth into as far as character. You don't need to reveal the "what," you just need us to care more about the who.
#6
You've got some grammatical errors in the beginning stanza. It conveys (very noncomittally) an image of some sort of prison (via the mugshot reference) perhaps death row since there is reference to "a dead man". The second stanza gives a timeframe setting for death and also sets up the indifference of the narrator, perhaps even shock according to the line that follows. The sequence of natural events in the third stanza followed by the crooked cherry tree gives the sense of the proclivity of the killer, but also a look at the narrator's unease with his actions and the perhaps a juxtaposing hint at the flaws of the narrator. The final stanza also seems like it shows some guilt in the narrator. Again, it's all very non-commital language and the overall voice of the piece doesn't lend itself to any major theme. This kind of poetry is escapist yet it doesn't really take you anywhere. Aside from the few grammar errors and line breaks which are oddly placed, I think the only major flaw in your writing is choosing subject matter. The images although somewhat vague, are present. I think that a more complete work would fully realize these. But why are we given this window into the narrators/other guy's life? What purpose does it serve for the reader to read this?
Last edited by Radical Bob at Jul 28, 2009,
#7
Sort of has that "jumped into the story halfway through" taste to it,
like I started reading at the end of this