#1
Take a deep breath
and look up
past the trees,
past the rooftops.
and see in the darkness,
see the clouds
drifting silently and peacefully

Now look down
and the magic is lost
to the glow of the TV creeping its way outside
and the sound of my pen
clawing its way across the paper
searching endlessly
for what?

Look up again
at those same clouds, still wandering
with infinite patience
to find wherever it is that they are going.
the stars wink playfully
begging me to come join them

Now when I look up,
there is no deep breath
no worrying about getting lost up there
and not being able to find my way back
I don’t care anymore
I’ll get lost on purpose
and only pretend to try to find my way back home

and down here,
there is still the stinging glare of the florescent lights
burning unwanted images into my eyes
the scratch of the pen
is scraping across my eardrums
I don’t like it down here
so I look back up
and intend to never look back down again


Do your best to kill me in any way possible. C4C if you leave a link.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Jul 14, 2009,
#2
Take a deep breath
and look up
past the trees,
past the rooftops.
and see in the darkness,
see the clouds
drifting silently and peacefully
Something to think about: if it's darkness, then how can I see anything what-so-ever?

Now look down
and the magic is lost
to the glow of the TV creeping its way outside
and the sound of my pen
clawing its way across the paper
searching endlessly
for what?
You question why you're writing. When this is done it makes me question why I should read this.

Look up again
at those same clouds, still wandering
with infinite patience
to find wherever it is that they are going.
the stars wink playfully
teasing me
teasing, overused word.
begging me to come join them

From here on the piece is much stronger. The top is garbage compared to this, I would delete the top half.
Now when I look up,
there is no deep breath
no worrying about getting lost up there
and not being able to find my way back
I don’t care anymore
I’ll get lost on purpose
and only pretend to try to find my way back home

and down here,
there is still the stinging glare of the florescent lights
burning my eyes until I am blind
blind. you can think of something more creative than that. its just too blunt for me.
the scratch of the pen
sounds like it's scraping across my eardrums
if 'sounds like' is removed I'd say that this is your strongest line in the whole piece.
I don’t like it down here
so I look back up
and intend to never look back down again

This isn't particularly well written and I believe that this is your quick comp piece.
I've read a couple things from you. You're progressing.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#3
Thanks for the crit
Yes, this is my quicky piece so I didn't take much time or effort writing it, and i actually changed a couple things when I posted it on here, so the one I actually submitted is about 10x worse than this. I'm definitely going to do someting about the first half of it, because now that you say it, its really not very good at all. As soon as I think of something there, I'm going to change that..or at least the first stanza.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Jul 14, 2009,
#4
You're still new, realize that you don't have to take my word on everything.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
Quote by ninja monkey
You're still new, realize that you don't have to take my word on everything.



I do if I think you're right.

And I'm not changing everything. I think I'm going to keep teasing in there just because I cant think of a better word to put there, and I may keep the second stanza.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black