#1
start of song more of a poem right now . Just want to know what others have to say about it , thanks

surounded
but still alone
try to synthesis love
these pills warm my soul
but before I know
chemicals begin to fade

more and more I become bitter
of those who have each other

my dreams love teasing me
with images of you and I
as I wake and slow my heart
reality sets in and breathing deepens

wishing that memeries could be viewed
through t.v. screens
kept on tape for when needed
DAYTRIPPER14
#2
Quote by DAYTRIPPER14
start of song more of a poem right now . Just want to know what others have to say about it , thanks

surounded
but still alone
try to synthesis love I think you mean "synthesize" here
these pills warm my soul I loved this rhyme
but before I know <---it's a bit awkward gramatically, how about "but before I know it,"?
chemicals begin to fade

more and more I become bitter
of those who have each other

my dreams love teasing me <-- I like it for the "s" sound at the end of two words that start with a hard consonant sound, "dreams" and "tease". I think it looks better if you add commas after "dreams" and "love"
with images of you and I
as I wake and slow my heart
reality sets in and breathing deepens

wishing that memeries could be viewed
through t.v. screens
kept on tape for when needed


This is simple but sweet. Maybe you could add in another stanza before the last one that describes the "image" that you mentioned earlier, which would make the last stanza much more stronger



I'd love to see this recorded.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Jul 14, 2009,
#3
Hey, i really liked it. I definetely got that sense of loneliness and isolation that i think you were going for, and that i myself have felt too.
Not a lot of imagery, but that doesn't really matter so much when you're direct with meaning, as this is, though you may want to add some if you feel like it.
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995.


Lyrics/Poetry

Fires Burning
#4
Quote by DAYTRIPPER14
start of song more of a poem right now . Just want to know what others have to say about it , thanks

surounded
but still alone < I'm pretty sure this sort of line is used alot, basically saying that you have people around you that you can't talk to. But it does seem to suit the whole piece alright.
try to synthesis love
these pills warm my soul
but before I know
chemicals begin to fade

The rest of it is quite good but maybe change to "but before I know it"?

more and more I become bitter
of those who have each other

The 2nd line just doesn't work with the melody I'm trying to sing it to, but keep it there. It doesn't ruin anything.

my dreams love teasing me
with images of you and I
as I wake and slow my heart
reality sets in and breathing deepens

Love the first line. I like the way that you change from "me" to "I" in the second line. Good stanza.

wishing that memeries could be viewed
through t.v. screens
kept on tape for when needed

Loved this stanza.

Overall I like it alot, but maybe just tweak a few tiny bits.


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.