#1
Sink or swim
leap or fall
into the abyss
is where we are
gone past the black
gone till no turning back
gone til you remember what we're gone for

Into the darkness because we can
Into the darkness no tomarrow
sometimes the light doesnt come back
sometimes all you can see is black

gone is the enemy
gone is the savior
your all alone in someones Pity

singled out because of some sob story
treated better but forewarnig
ones not like you will sense you are different
different leads to suspicion
suspicion leads to paranoia
paranpia leads to your outcast from the warm home
so now yur cast

into the darkness all alone
ito the darkness your sovern home
into the darkness where you fear things
you loved
Into the darkness you will never return
#2
Quote by Aaronn58
Sink or swim
leap or fall
into the abyss
is where we are
gone past the black
gone till no turning back
I don't like this ligne. Whereas, yes, it is a song, you still want to appear literate.
gone til you remember what we're gone for

Into the darkness because we can
Into the darkness no tomarrow
sometimes the light doesnt come back
sometimes all you can see is black

gone is the enemy
gone is the savior
your all alone in someones Pity
This ligne caught my eye, because, in the first verse you stated "we" as the subject, but only one of you is being subjected to this "pity."

singled out because of some sob story
treated better but forewarnig
This ligne threw me a bit, because now, the person who was subjected to all these hardships, is now being treated well; it seemed to break the congruity of the song.
ones not like you will sense you are different
different leads to suspicion
suspicion leads to paranoia
paranpia leads to your outcast from the warm home
so now yur cast

into the darkness all alone
ito the darkness your sovern home
into the darkness where you fear things
you loved
Into the darkness you will never return

My overall impression of the song is that it was a bit choppy, because you jumped between people and places. The song also did not seem to posses a real theme, it consisted more of just statements about a person, on which you did not really elaborate. You mentioned "sob story" which would have given you a good medium to elaborate on. On a final note, you need re-read this aloud, some lignes just did not seem to make sense, and the entire song was riddled with mistakes, whether typographical or other, but being a bit of a grammar nazi myself, it made it very hard to concentrate on song when every ligne there was a mistake. However, with a little re-working, this should make a fine song.
Arcane Echo

Just call me Ethan
#3
Wow i didnt think anybody would read this honestly
its alittle choppy because i thought of it while i was posting it so i didnt revise it yet
the whole second verse thing is basiclly the character comes out on the other side
to some benefactor[kinda like someone who adopts a child]
only for all the others at the her new home[Kinda like the children already there]
get jealous because shes treated better because of her sorrows
so the throw her into the darkness which is a angram for death
and its about taking pride in the empytiness
sorry the replys so lng tanks for replying
#4
Quote by Aaronn58
Sink or swim
leap or fall
into the abyss
is where we are
gone past the black
gone till no turning back - At the very least, but a "There" in between 'til and no.
gone til you remember what we're gone for

Into the darkness because we can
Into the darkness no tomarrow - Tomorrow
sometimes the light doesnt come back
sometimes all you can see is black

gone is the enemy
gone is the savior
your all alone in someones Pity - I don't like this line. It either needs more syllables to flow better or you need to scrap it.

singled out because of some sob story
treated better but forewarnig - I don't like this either. Doesn't make much sense on the first read.
ones not like you will sense you are different - "Not like you" is so generic and boring..you could find a different word or phrase..
different leads to suspicion - maybe change that to difference, or find a new word.
suspicion leads to paranoia
paranpia leads to your outcast from the warm home
so now your cast

into the darkness all alone
ito the darkness your sovern home - what is sovern? Do you mean sovereign?
into the darkness where you fear things
you loved
Into the darkness you will never return



This was alright, not very well written, but still okay. I think the main thing you need to do is before you post a piece, read over it again more carefully, spellcheck it, etc. I usually let stuff sit overnight and read it again the next day, so I can read it more objectively and see it it makes sense.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black