#1
when the fruit groves yeild nothing
or when the nothings running out
when the blunt knife leaves no marks
on the fringes of your doubt

When purple patches have faded
into heavy shades of red
when your stern words stop sinking
into anybodys head

where there is love
then there is fear
like sinking swans
they disapear

i've been counting horses
all morning
scratching names into my list
and i've been painting puppet
for days now
but i'm no ventriloquest

where there is love
then there is fear
like sinking swans
they disapear

so i'll try to dissociate myself from this whole thing
but there's a ringing in my ears says there's others songs to sing
and you come and remind me of the days i spent at home
ripping post stamps from the mail just like some bitter foal
my friendly disposition is under inquisition
a trait that you could rob me off just by your own velition
my ceilings dripping acid or so the papers say
i think that i will go and let the horses out today
#2
Don't bump your own thread man. It's against the rules. Give me a second and I'll give you some feedback.

Delete that 2nd post.

EDIT:

Quote by spitonastranger
when the fruit groves yeild nothing
or when the nothings running out
when the blunt knife leaves no marks
on the fringes of your doubt

I liked the first line. The second line just seemed to be there just to make it sound cool. The third line is pretty good but the last line seems out of place.


When purple patches have faded
into heavy shades of red
when your stern words stop sinking
into anybodys head

Okay first two lines are great. So is the 4th line. But I don't like the word "stern" in the third line. Find another word that sounds more creative.

where there is love
then there is fear
like sinking swans
they disapear

Not really big on the "sinking swans". Also, what do you mean they disappear? It doesn't seem to make sense if you have love and fear... unless you mean they cancel each other out and thus become impossible to distuingish?

i've been counting horses
all morning
scratching names into my list
and i've been painting puppet
for days now
but i'm no ventriloquest

I like it alot. Maybe change the "all morning" to "for days now" so to have the repitition?

where there is love
then there is fear
like sinking swans
they disapear

See above.


so i'll try to dissociate myself from this whole thing
but there's a ringing in my ears says there's others songs to sing
and you come and remind me of the days i spent at home
ripping post stamps from the mail just like some bitter foal
my friendly disposition is under inquisition
a trait that you could rob me off just by your own velition
my ceilings dripping acid or so the papers say
i think that i will go and let the horses out today

The only thing I don't like here is "some bitter foal". It seemed very out of place. Try to find something else to fit there?


The only thing I don't like here is "some bitter foal". It seemed very out of place. Try to find something else to fit there?

Overall I like it alot. Just make those few changes and see if you like it better.


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
Last edited by thanksgiving at Jul 14, 2009,
#3
I liked this. There were a lot of lines that struck a chord with me. For example, my favorite part would have to be this: "i've been counting horses / all morning / scratching names into my list / and i've been painting puppet / for days now / but i'm no ventriloquest". That part just had great imagery that makes you think.

I will suggest a few things. One is that I feel like you didn't finish your thoughts in the first two verses. Whenever I hear someone say "when this happens" then I'm expected them to follow up with a "then this happens" if that makes any sense. I feel like you left me hanging in the beginning, like they weren't complete thoughts.

That being said, I did like it and with a couple revisions, it can be very good.
here, My Dear, here it is