#1
this is a strange one, something i've wanted to write about for a very long time. let me know what you think of it so i now whether to keep working on this or try a new piece.

let me walk with you a while

i haven't had human contact
for so long
just please, just stay a little while

"you've been waiting a long time, haven't you?"
i let the waters trickle by me,
trying not to focus on speech
"what is it that you see?"

i see music;
pure unrefined fabrics of sound
wound around and around you,
me, every living being trying to navigate
this long and winding stream of consciousness

"you can't look away for a moment?"
you're not real, nothing is
"i'm all you have"
And so i let her slip away,
into the subtle flow of essence that
surrounded me

i was lonely;
left to watch the waters,
constantly surrounded by love,
trickling
	trickling
		trickling
down
	the	
		winding
			rocks
and	
	out
		into
			the
				open
arms
	of
		the
			mother
				of
					sound
#2
I love the whole inter-dialogue that is going on here. And the descending lines.


I think there's something iffy about the lines "I see music", it's a bit too simplistic. It basically repeats what "pure unrefined fabrics of sound" is.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
I really like this in both a struture and content sort of way even though i am not getting a full fledged meaning from it, it still left me with a good feeling which is usually enough for me to enjoy something.
#5
Thanks everyone, I really wasn't expecting people to enjoy this as much as they did. Drop me some links.
#6
I likey.

It really kind of painted a picture in my head. Very well written.

The only thing was I think the 'trickling's need to be spaced out a bit more. But that has nothing to do with writing or content....so meh.

Well done
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
It's all pretty nice and flowery. I don't really care about the descending words, and it really doesn't change my interpretation or enjoyment of it. The best part to me was definitely the "I see music" section, very nicely wrapped up and coherent.

I thought there were parts that were kind of stunted, the second stanza, which kind of feel hacked off. The "for so long" followed by "just please" doesn't read very well, especially without any punctuation. I mostly don't like it because it reads like two statements, the line break seperating them. Later on however, everything flows together, line breaks not making a distinction between the statements, or rather the entire staznas seem like one large statement. It's something minor, but I'm just letting you know what bugged me.

Anyway, I did enjoy it on the whole, so kudos.
#8
"you've been waiting a long time, haven't you?"
Annoying. Said before you said it then though not confirmed by the other character. The whole phrasing of this idea was let down by it.

i see music;
pure unrefined fabrics of sound
wound around and around you,
me, every living being trying to navigate
this long and winding stream of consciousness

After the elegance of the first line here the rest of it was too bulky and clumsy. Line breaks, phrasing, whatever. You should know what I mean.

And if you're going to capitalise the starts of each of your sentences, capitalise your 'I's.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Thanks all

I've retried this idea in a new piece that will be up soon. Drop me links if I haven't got back to you.
#10
This is one of those pieces that, for me, starts off very slowly and almost hand me close the thread and go to another piece for a crit. After staying and reading it through it gets better with time. I would somehow redword, recreate, or something of that nature the intro stanzas because I just found them to read a little dull.

The ending reads much better, packs a greater emotional pack, features better imagery, and lastly seems work because of better word usage.

I would say that this piece is generally quite solid but does need some work in the first parts. I would like this type of ideas to be explored better and in more of a song format and that would probably be pretty cool.

For a final "track" or poem I would say it needs work but for almost like a demo on where you want to take your writing this is a first solid/excellent step.

My two pieces are "Together Through Life" and "The Rough, The" which are both somewhere on the first page.
#11
i don't have much time.
this isnt a great poem because you have no character in the poem. you have no character because there's very little "human" about this. theres nothing human about this because there's no point of general relevance to the reader's everyday life except for the vagueness of an emotion. give us a broken refrigerador, a pet turtle, a sad dying spider. give us something to emphasize with and we will emphasize with the poem on a whole. give us disembodied mutterings and we'll, at best, feel a cold to analyze an artists intentions.

this may have been one of the smartest things i have ever typed in under two minutes.