I personally wrote this song without my band, but they are learning it. The lyrics are pretty much a joke, really the vocals are in general. I'm not a vocalist, I just put it in just to make the song a bit more interesting.

Anyway, I'm just putting this up here to see what you guys think while my band is learning it, maybe we'll record it. It will sound much better and they will put their own twist on their parts so it will sound better.
Not really a metalcore fan, thats what i thought it sounded like... BUT.............

i really thought this was a neat song, only thing that turns me off is the name of the song and if the vocals are crap.

But i enjoyed it none the less.
I'm surprised, and to be COMPLETELY honest, I'm a bit angry that I was marked down for the vocals because they are not really real. The vocalist for my band just quit a week or so ago so I just kinda pulled something out of my ass to make the song a little bit more interesting and to try to at least think of some patterns for the vocals.

However, I respect your opinion. Thanks for the comment and I will try to think a bit about the vocals, but I really think I can't do much better than this even if I really tried. I'm just the guitarist. I'm lost without a singer

Also, you commented on the name. Really, it was completely random. I just happened to pull that word out of my ass when I was saving the guitar pro file and then I later tried to kinda relate the lyrics to the name.

Not that it excuses a crappy name and crappy vocals...just thought I'd put it out there.

Again, thanks for your thoughts.
Sounded very dethcore-ish/metalcore

Having said that, I like the intro. That kind of stuff has been done so much, but your variation on it is good none the less.

Verse = hell ya, I love it. Once again, very metalcore but I still liked it. Reminds me a lot of All Shall Perish.

Bridge is hella creepy, nice.

Breakdown at 39 is heavy as fudge too.

The drums for bar 44 don't work, change them when you get a chance (specifically the snare hit timing).

Pre breakdown, lmfao, sounds like a breakdown from a song I wrote for my band a while ago titled "Bow down to Unicron", ............dibs!

The bridge was a nice touch, liked it.

The outro is the sickest part of the song and by far my favorite part. That outro tops a lot of the **** I see on these forums, so keep up the good work!

crit my latest?: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1164252
"Our revenge so everlasting sweet,
Enslave your Children, Behead the weak,
Kill every last Man, Woman and Machine
The cleansing has begun.
Your meek defense is foolish,
we come from the stars a trillion strong."
Thanks for your crit.

I just want to point out about that part at bar 44. You said the snare hit wasn't right. The drums are actually in 4/4 and the guitars are in 3/4. It's called a polyrythm. Every phrase for the drums is 4 beats long and every phrase for the guitar is 3 beats long. Therefore when the drums are on beat 4 of the first phrase the guitar are on beat 1 of the second phrase, making beat one of the drum's second phrase on beat two of the guitar's second phrase. It was my puny attempt at making the song sound a bit less mainstream. Yeah, it doesn't sound perfect, and it was hell trying to come up with a good vocal pattern, but I like polyrythms.
Firstly, I'd like to go on record as being completely sympathetic to the vocalist trouble. I'm in the same boat, having never been the poetic type and suddenly forced into the role of lyricist/vocalist since my band's vocalist ran away. Also, I had to foot the bill for the 20 Palladium tickets he ran away with, but that's another story altogether.

On to the song.

I like the intro very much, although GP doesn't do it justice. The let ring makes the sound far too muddy here, but the right guitar tone and it'll sound fine. The dissonance is almost palpable, and I like it. Great ominous beginning.

I like the verse as well, but I reached my first complaint here. I think the first portion of the verse riff (bars 19-21) sounds good, but the 4th bar of the riff (bar 22) could use less of the dissonant let ring chords. I think a well-composed single note run in that bar would do wonders. I would recommend something involving diminished arpeggios, but the choice is yours.

Bridge. This section, in my opinion, is in the wrong place in the song. As I said for the previous verse riff, there is just too much of the same dissonant ringing chords happening, and not enough substantial rif***e for my taste. My advice would be to punch the second verse at bar 44 in where the bridge is, then use the bridge as a build up back into the main riff again at bar 60. That way, you don't overuse the dissonant half-time feel riffs and it prevents stagnancy in the song.

Now onto that second verse riff itself.

It's pretty fricken sweet. However, on the second repition, I would double time the drums. It would add more sparkle, pizzaz, and would, again, break up the half-time drumming that seems to be overwhelming thus far in the piece.

Revisit of the main riff is pretty awesome. It actually reminds me of 'Wake Up' by RATM.

The breakdown. I think, at this point, is a little unnecessary. Almost the entire song has smacked of chuggy, mosh-pit inducing groove riffs. I think a welcome respite would be something full time preceding the breakdown, just for a little contrast.

The second bridge. Love it. One issue, the second chord on the lead guitar at bar 93 sounds almost happy amidst a lot of darkness. Other than that, excellent ambient buildup into the verse/outro. However, i see another potential issue, that being, this bridge builds up into the last verse, but as soon as the last verse hits, the momentum dies. If I were you I would skip the build in the verse and go straight into the full riff. That way listener's anticipation is rewarded rather than stripped away.

Verse/outro. Masterfully crafted, and an excellent ending to the song. It captured well the mood conveyed by the song up to this point and wraps it all up nicely. Satisfying conclusion.

Overall, I feel as though the song seems unfinished. The individual parts all are well-crafted and work nicely within themselves, but the song as a whole seems to lack and drive. There is too much stagnation as far as feel is concerned, ith far too much half-time repition and too much chordal dissonance. Basically, the ambience to substantial rif***e ration is tipped too far towards the atmospheric riffs. In my opinion, everything present in the song should remain, but the second verse and first bridge should switch places. Also, a new riff or two that have much more energetic driving feels should be added to bridge between the breakdown riffs.

In the end, I simply don't think this song should be laid to rest just yet. I think it has the potential to be great, but it needs a new riff or two and a more varied structure to really hook the listener. 7/10.

Would you mind giving my new song a look?
If Edwards is Dead, I Want His Cupcake!