#1
The way i thought this song could be sung was the lead singer sings the first 2 lines, then the backing say the 3rd.... kind of a trade off you know? c4c. enjoy.

Cause and Effect

He got laid off
Now he’s pissed off
Gonna walk around telling people off
Stumbles into
The local pub
Gonna drink till he can’t feel his face no more
Now that’s all just
Bad behavior
He’s acting like a little kid
Then he goes home
And he beats her
Getting taken away by the authorities tonight

There’s this woman
I like to talk to
I sit next to her on the bus
Everything was
Going perfect
Till she found out her boyfriends been cheating on her
She takes his car keys
For a little joyride
Hits a few pedestrians
Reckless driving
Grand theft auto
Getting taken away by the authorities tonight

At the high school
A boy feels some courage
Asks out the hottest girl in school
Walks up to her
Getting shot down
Her boyfriend pushes him down the stairs
Now he gets mad
Takes some action
Breaks the boyfriend’s skull with a bat
Way to go kid
You got what you wanted
Getting taken away by he authorities tonight

There’s a teen now
Peer pressure
Really wants to be accepted in the popular world
So they tell him
What to go after
Break into somebody’s house and steal their possessions
He’d do anything
So he agrees
Throws a brick through the window and grabs what he needs
The alarm system
Is blaring loud
Getting taken away by the authorities tonight
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
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Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#2
I liked the message of this piece: that everything we do has a consequence and that we have to forsee those consequences before we take rash action.

In this piece, all your situations end up with someone getting arrested. Might I suggest that you switch up the consequences instead every single one ending up with breaking the law? It's just my opinion, but I think it might be interesting to show that our lives can still be altered without being sent to jail.

Other than that, some of the lines were pretty wordy. But if you can sing them and make them work then there's no reason to change them.

Good work, good message nonetheless.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I liked the message of this piece: that everything we do has a consequence and that we have to forsee those consequences before we take rash action.

In this piece, all your situations end up with someone getting arrested. Might I suggest that you switch up the consequences instead every single one ending up with breaking the law? It's just my opinion, but I think it might be interesting to show that our lives can still be altered without being sent to jail.

Other than that, some of the lines were pretty wordy. But if you can sing them and make them work then there's no reason to change them.

Good work, good message nonetheless.


nah i was thinking of the last line as sort of a hook you know?
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
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Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#4
I liked the repetition, but to quote Role Models, I liked the idea of it more than I actually liked it.

And I can't believe I just used a quote from that movie in a serious setting. But it's true. The problem was that you were using the same line and kinda throwing it on at the end of each verse. You could adapt it to the situation presented before it.

So it would be like

"And he's getting taken away by the authorities tonight"

"Now she's getting taken away by the authorities tonight"
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by Ganoosh
I liked the repetition, but to quote Role Models, I liked the idea of it more than I actually liked it.

And I can't believe I just used a quote from that movie in a serious setting. But it's true. The problem was that you were using the same line and kinda throwing it on at the end of each verse. You could adapt it to the situation presented before it.

So it would be like

"And he's getting taken away by the authorities tonight"

"Now she's getting taken away by the authorities tonight"


loved the quote. and i do get how the last line could get repetitious... i mainly forgot haha
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#6
Well the repetition was fine, but it's just that it would be better if you tailored it each time to suit the situation that you were talking about in the corresponding stanza. It would make more sense.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
Well the repetition was fine, but it's just that it would be better if you tailored it each time to suit the situation that you were talking about in the corresponding stanza. It would make more sense.


agreed
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#8
Quote by zeminion
The way i thought this song could be sung was the lead singer sings the first 2 lines, then the backing say the 3rd.... kind of a trade off you know? c4c. enjoy.

Cause and Effect

He got laid off
Now he’s pissed off
Gonna walk around telling people off

Using off twice was bad enough, using it three time just knocks it over.

Stumbles into
The local pub
Gonna drink till he can’t feel his face no more
Now that’s all just
Bad behavior
He’s acting like a little kid
Then he goes home
And he beats her
Getting taken away by the authorities tonight

This whole first verse just doesn't resonate that well. I can't feel an consistent rhythm to it.

There’s this woman
I like to talk to
I sit next to her on the bus

If you're having the rest of the band sing the third line, then don't make the third line in your perspective.

Everything was
Going perfect
Till she found out her boyfriends been cheating on her
She takes his car keys
For a little joyride
Hits a few pedestrians
Reckless driving
Grand theft auto
Getting taken away by the authorities tonight

At the high school
A boy feels some courage
Asks out the hottest girl in school
Walks up to her
Getting shot down
Her boyfriend pushes him down the stairs
Now he gets mad
Takes some action
Breaks the boyfriend’s skull with a bat
Way to go kid
You got what you wanted
Getting taken away by he authorities tonight

There’s a teen now
Peer pressure
Really wants to be accepted in the popular world
So they tell him
What to go after
Break into somebody’s house and steal their possessions
He’d do anything
So he agrees
Throws a brick through the window and grabs what he needs
The alarm system
Is blaring loud
Getting taken away by the authorities tonight


Basically, with the rest of the song, the same criticism still stands, I just can't feel the rhythm in it. Also, your verses are far too long, you should cut down on them a fair bit. You also need a chorus, or should have one. Repetition is your friend, it's the hook in a song.
#9
Quote by The_Roth_KungFu
Basically, with the rest of the song, the same criticism still stands, I just can't feel the rhythm in it. Also, your verses are far too long, you should cut down on them a fair bit. You also need a chorus, or should have one. Repetition is your friend, it's the hook in a song.


yeah the rhythm is weird but if you heard it, then it would make sense. and idk about the chorus, still can't figure one out
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab