#1
I have always wondered, my friend,
Why do you seem to hate me?
Whenever I see you, your back is turned
and I am always stuck talking to your eraser
Tell me, Pencil,
how can I organize my thoughts
when I am muttering ideas into your ass?

So, Pencil,
Why don't you like me?
do I not write well enough for you?
Well, it's your fault, you won't let me.
After all, you're the one who makes the words come out
Why won't you answer me?


Is it the way I hold you?
Maybe this is better.
Are you happy now?
well, write me a masterpiece of a line then
. . .

Guess not.

Pencil, you are hard to please,
and you are so ungrateful.
of all the pencils I could have chosen,
I picked you.
Yet you still won't write me that masterpiece,
Will you?


Turn and face me, you bastard.

Confess.

Why do you hate me so much?

I think I know now. I see the truth of your lies.
It's because I grind your worthless face into the paper,
line after line,
isn't it?
Because I let the sharpener chew on your head,
and wear you down to a nub.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Jul 17, 2009,
#3
I have always wondered, my friend,
Why do you seem to hate me?
Whenever I see you, your back is turned
and I am always stuck talking to your eraser
Tell me, Pencil,
how can I organize my thoughts
when I am muttering ideas into your ass?

Ass seems kind of out of place here. Might want to try a different word.

So, Pencil,
Why don't you like me?
do I not write well enough for you?
Well, it's your fault, you won't let me.
After all, you're the one who makes the words come out
Why won't you answer me?


Is it the way I hold you?
Maybe this is better.
Are you happy now?
well, write me a masterpiece of a line then
. . .

Guess not.


God, Pencil, you are hard to please,
and you are so ungrateful.
of all the pencils I could have chosen,
I picked you.
Yet you still won't write me that masterpiece,
Will you?

God also feels out of place, you can probably cut it.

Turn and face me, Pencil, you bastard.

Confess.

Why do you hate me so much?

I think I know now. I see the truth of your lies.
It's because I grind your worthless face into the paper,
line after line,
isn't it?
Because I let the sharpener chew on your head,
and wear you down to a nub.
#4
^^ I've taken a look at the piece in your sig. Thanks for the crit.

GuitarYay, if you have anything you want me to read post a link.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
I think that the idea was nice; very nice.

But... (there's always a but, ain't there?)

I have to admit I didn't like the way you executed this idea at all. The way it progressed was extremely slow, I think you could have compressed this down to about two medium lengthed stanzas and gotten a much better result.

Secondly, the repetition of pencil was very annoying. It was like you were saying "holy ****, I have this amazing idea, hey you, let me shove this awesome idea in your face at every possible moment!" if you get me. It was unnecessary.

As you can see, your main problem here is that you have far too much rubbish amongst good ideas. Get rid of all this rubbish, get this down to half the size, read over every line and ask yourself "is this really helping the piece?"

Once you've done that, I think you'll have yourself a very enjoyable poem indeed.

If you wanna take a quick look at mine, I'd appreciate it:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1162168

Thanks, and don't take me too harshly, hopefully you'll get what I'm trying to say.
#6
Well a lot of the lines made me laugh when I envisioned someone actually screaming at their pencil. For me, I just took it as being lighthearted and funny but nothing too critical. If that was your purpose, then I think you accomplished it (at least you did for me).

I thought the cursing lines were the funniest of the entire piece because I think it accentuated just how angry the narrator is at his pencil and thus, how absurd he looks.

I really enjoyed this. Good job!
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Quote by SubwayToVenus
Well a lot of the lines made me laugh when I envisioned someone actually screaming at their pencil. For me, I just took it as being lighthearted and funny but nothing too critical. If that was your purpose, then I think you accomplished it (at least you did for me).

I thought the cursing lines were the funniest of the entire piece because I think it accentuated just how angry the narrator is at his pencil and thus, how absurd he looks.

I really enjoyed this. Good job!



Yeah, I was going for a combination of lighthearted and insanity....so lighthearted insanity? It was supposed to just be fun and silly.

So I'm glad you got that out of it.


Subway and Michal, I will get to your pieces later, as I don't have time right now and i've been procrastinating enough...


But I promise, I will get to both of you later tonight or tomorrow.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
this definately is one of the cooler things I have read in a while.

i like the way you consistently ask questions throughout the writing. I think the only thing I would have done differently was to find a better transition when you finally "find out" about the pencil's lies.

great writing, nonetheless.
#9
I liked it, it was well written and interesting. I would try some more punctuation here and there though, like an exclamation point after "write me a masterpiece of a line then!" for instance, just to bring out the narrator's feeling a little more.

Also, I would take the word "Pencil" out of the line with bastard. I can't exactly see someone ending the sentence with two different names unless it was rearranged, but that's just me