#1
haha, i'm back.

***
There was a sea forming from within this benevolent far, a knowing that extends beyond all of are wealth, and it occurred to me as I lay still, but attempting to walk, that all instances hence forth will be scattered about in such a manner for all of us to enjoy. And this is only humorous if looked at from a perspective that is totally nihilistic, and to an extent, slightly pessimistic, but enough to resonate in the hearts of a mass; a collective so intense, that when stretched can link even the endless texts that have yet to be found. And for this very exact moment, I salute you and your everyday ways. The pile of waste that I have attempted to sync up with the plate of lead in my head has all blown away. Lost amongst all of the glimpses that I once thought lasted for so much longer. And sometimes they did. But only when accompanied by a stare.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Jul 15, 2009,
#2
haha, i'm back.

***
There was a sea forming from within this benevolent far, a knowing to too extends beyond all of are our wealth, and it occurred to me as I lay still, but attempting to walk, that all instances hence forth will be scattered about in such a manner for all of us to enjoy. whoa whoa whoa. This sentence is far too long. I got lost in the middle and by the time I hit the end i forgot what you were on about in the first place. It's also far too vague and verbose way too start off a piece. You basically spent four lines saying nothing, or nothing I could understand anyway.
And this is only humorous if looked at from a perspective that is totally nihilistic, and to an extent, slightly pessimistic, but enough to resonate in the hearts of a mass; a collective so intense, that when stretched can link even the endless texts that have yet to be found. This sentence was a little bit more concise and easier to follow. I'm getting that the long winded verbose style is what you're going for, but you still haven't quite got it right yet. Loved the assonance and rhymes in here though.
And for this very exact moment, I salute you and your everyday ways. The pile of waste that I have attempted to sync up with the plate of lead in my head has all blown away. Lost amongst all of the glimpses that I once thought lasted for so much longer. And sometimes they did. But only when accompanied by a stare. This was the best part, but felt totally seperate from the beginning. You've changed styles. Out of nowhere comes these short concise sentences, after you just spent ages fuddling me. These feel like two seperate pieces.


I enjoyed this, but it just got really heavy and weighed down, then the end came on far too suddenly and the rapid style shift was too abrupt.