#1
echoing through the chambers
we release a raspy voice
hoping for someone to listen
to save us will be their choice

climbing out into the day
our eyes burn
and we're afraid
gone for so long
what has the world become

stumbling past the rubble
the ever burning flame
we find someone standing guard
but we've even forgot our name

we ramble on
of the good days that we recall
but with bitter hatred
he tells us to move along

trying to find happiness
try to find a smiling face
we find it impossible
we've destroyed the human race
it's all our fault
we must admit
but maybe beyond the horizon
of hope we have a glint

pitching what we have
to build a place of dwelling
they come to take it away
why can't we be left alone
why can't we stop the yelling

but it's what we've done
what we've become
that makes us who we are
what makes it so damn hard
to find a little hope
in the rubble that is our home

trying to find happiness
try to find a smiling face
we find it impossible
we've destroyed the human race
it's all our fault
we must admit
but maybe beyond the horizon
of hope we have a glint

but now we've found it
a lighter place
over the mountain
we've ran at a contant pace
a place so green
lush with fruit
we've finally arrived
but we must take before they learn the truth

with smiling faces
we've found our way
but what will it take
for us to stay

trying to find happiness
try to find a smiling face
we find it impossible
we've destroyed the human race
it's all our fault
we must admit
but maybe beyond the horizon
of hope we have a glint
#2
echoing through the chambers
we release a raspy voice
hoping for someone to listen
to save us will be their choice
I really like this verse. It had a great flow, it had no forced rhymes, and it created a very cool image in my head

climbing out into the day
our eyes burn
and we're afraid
gone for so long
what has the world become
Another solid verse. It flows great and it keeps a good storyline coming from the previous verse

stumbling past the rubble
the ever burning flame
we find someone standing guard
but we've even forgot our name
The last line seems out of place. Maybe it's just me but I'm not sure what the connection is between the guard standing there and us forgetting our names. Other than that, I think you've kept the tone consistent which is good

we ramble on
of the good days that we recall
but with bitter hatred
he tells us to move along
Solid verse, in my opinion. Maybe a little more info on the guard would help though: like who he is, what is so important about what he's guarding, etc. But if you wanna leave it as is, I think it works

trying to find happiness
try to find a smiling face
we find it impossible
we've destroyed the human race
it's all our fault
we must admit
but maybe beyond the horizon
of hope we have a glint
I liked this chorus except the last line sounds way too forced, like you striving for a rhyme there. I would try to reword it

pitching what we have
to build a place of dwelling
they come to take it away
why can't we be left alone
why can't we stop the yelling
I liked this verse, although the "yelling" seems a little forced but it's not too bad, in my opinion. Nothing really destructive

but it's what we've done
what we've become
that makes us who we are
what makes it so damn hard
to find a little hope
in the rubble that is our home
I think instead of this you should put a verse in to continue along the storyline. What happens after they take our homes away from us? Create a seg-way into us finding that place of hope we've been looking for

trying to find happiness
try to find a smiling face
we find it impossible
we've destroyed the human race
it's all our fault
we must admit
but maybe beyond the horizon
of hope we have a glint
See above

but now we've found it
a lighter place
over the mountain
we've ran at a contant pace
a place so green
lush with fruit
we've finally arrived
but we must take before they learn the truth
Like I said before, I think there needs to be another verse that kind of leads us into this discovery. Also, what is significant about this discovery? Why have we found it? What has changed in us or the world so that we have been able to find this place? Have we merely stumbled upon it or did we know it was here all along?

with smiling faces
we've found our way
but what will it take
for us to stay

trying to find happiness
try to find a smiling face
we find it impossible
we've destroyed the human race
it's all our fault
we must admit
but maybe beyond the horizon
of hope we have a glint


Overall, I liked the story you were going for. In my head, I pictured like this apocalyptic world in which a group of people are looking for this place as a refuge for their pain. For me, it seems like an allegory for coming out the darkness of your pain and finding peace and happiness. Not sure if that's what you intended but that's what you were going for. Also, I think you should either elaborate more on the guard's importance or take him out altogether. Good job though
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
hmm... i never thought much about telling more about the guard, i think i'll try that. and yeah, that was what i was aiming for, so i'm glad you understood it. thanks!