#1
Staring at you
across the room
my logic perplexed
reflects off your brown eyes

In reality
Im trying to read
a book where the words are
absurdly nonexistant

we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key

But in between
I can barely see
the words scrawled so small
that stalled every vulture

But I'll Still pursue
this books every truth
please whisper in my ear
the secrets I want to hear

we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key

Please critique! Thanks!!
#2
Quote by taz354
Staring at you
across the room
my logic perplexed
reflects off your brown eyes

In reality
Im trying to read
a book where the words are
absurdly nonexistant

we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key

But in between
I can barely see
the words scrawled so small
that stalled every vulture

I love this verse and the one before, not sure if you did it purposely or not, but the repetition of see while keeping a contrast in context is really nice.

But I'll Still pursue
this books every truth
please whisper in my ear
the secrets I want to hear

This verse feels really out of place, mostly cause of the rhyming scheme. It's out of place in comparison to the rest of the piece.

we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key

This is sort of a weak ending. It's just a repeat of your 3rd verse. I think it'd be stronger if you kept the first two lines, but change up the last two. Give it a bit of a twist.

Please critique! Thanks!!


Overall, it's pretty nice, but take a look at the notes I wrote.
#3
Quote by taz354
Staring at you
across the room
my logic perplexed
reflects off your brown eyes

In reality
Im trying to read
a book where the words are
absurdly nonexistant
I don't think nonexistant is the best word to use here it just doesn't sound right to me
we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key

But in between
I can barely see
the words scrawled so small
that stalled every vulture
I really like the last 2 phrases
But I'll Still pursue
this books every truth
please whisper in my ear
the secrets I want to hear
I like the first 2 line of this but I suggest changing the last two lines of the versue
we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key
this ending is kinda week I agree defiantly change up the last two lines to add a twist

Overall it was written pretty well, but look this over.
C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17133849
#4
Quote by taz354
Staring at you
across the room
my logic perplexed
reflects off your brown eyes

In reality
Im trying to read
a book where the words are
absurdly nonexistant Nonexistant doesn't sound right to me

we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key This one sounds cool

But in between
I can barely see
the words scrawled so small
that stalled every vulture Resembles the last verse in a good way

But I'll Still pursue
this books every truth
please whisper in my ear
the secrets I want to hear

we all can see
the intricately
hand made lock
but they threw away the key

Please critique! Thanks!!


But in general you have a nice idea, but eventhough it is a really cool idea (and i know what you are trying to express) i think you can make it stronger, maybe give a twist to the second chorus to go deeper, or add one of those ''weird/alternative'' verses that come after choruses or solos.
#5
alright cool, thanks guys. Ill revise it a little and post it again soon