It may be my laptop speakers since they frequently lose alot of the sound but you may want to stick some rhythm behind the lead to add some meat to the song. That piano beside you may come in handy as well...
I agree with mattvl, there should be some rhythm track supporting your lead playing.

I also think that you palm mute too many notes. It sounds kinda strange to me, but I'm not really into that type of music (I usually listen to heavier stuff).

But besides that, it was interesting.