#1
I was told to go here for creative writing, so hope this works out better. Enjoy everyone! (Criticize if you want, but this is merely for me to share with others who like reading. I'm writing a book so I'll take constructive criticism and apply that, but if you post tl;dr, well, just don't please, you're wasting space )

Prologue

In the age of war over five hundred years ago, the land thrived on death and destruction. Soldiers were used from different nations as "Heroes," specially trained from birth to be tools of war. In this land however, war is not fought with bombs and gunfire. In this continent, known as Demaytra, magic, sword and bow were the arsenal of the military used by the three nations seeking dominance over all. The three nations, Aspheix, Nadraya, and Coodrayix eventually were torn apart after one hundred years of war. The leaders of each nation, known as the Elders Council, met and unified the land, as the fighting and evil was causing demons of the old age to awaken, and through their unification, the Demaytrians finally settled their dispute and through the Heroes, the demons of old were fought back, to the Wastes of Arcaya in the North.

These many Heroes became brothers, and eventually established what is known as the Heroes Council, a lesser branch of the Elders. After the Great War, these Heroes became protectors of the land, serving the people as guardians to be payed, protecting citizens as they traveled from bandits, wayward demons, and other creatures of dark nature.

Some Heroes however, were of course swayed by the human nature of greediness and a lust for power. Many sought to rule all of Demaytra or simply find magic that would give them great power. Some worked together, while others created their own organizations, the most infamous of which became Erebus, a dark company that sought control of demons and man alike. The leader was a Hero many considered to be a mystery, and to this day his identity has been shrouded in secret.

After years of clashing with each other, the Heroes Council and Erebus vanished, most of the leaders and Heroes all killed in battle. The Elder Hero, the tie between the Heroes Council and the Elders Council, used a special magic to freeze Strife, a great hero with a dark past who fought in both the Great War and with Erebus, in a sphere to be awoken centuries later when Demaytra would need him most. The years slowly passed, and the citizens of Demaytra grew accustomed to the life without war, demons, or magic. A small police force was used to fend off occasional bandit raids, as well as uphold the law.

Now, five hundred years after so much has passed, gun powder has been invented, and the flintlock rifle and pistol, along with fireworks, has helped move the industrialization of Demaytra along. However, old demons are awakening, whispers are being made of Erebus, and the Heroes Council is in ruin and forgotten. The Elders still remain, but few have any knowledge of the Heroes and their time. Life is about to be disrupted, and life on Demaytra is about to revert to the old ways.

Chapter One

"Okay Fred, you silly bugger, I'll see you tomorrow!" George the bartender called out to the bumbling drunkard, as he mumbled to himself, he tripped and groaned his way to the exit of the tavern. It was a quiet night, the air was still, and it was closing time.

George began piling chairs and stools up on the tables and bar, thinking to himself how he would enjoy smoking his pipe and sitting in front of a warm fire next to his wife, wasting the night away and occasionally peeking out the window to look at the stars.

Cleaning out beer mugs, he froze to see a pair of eyes staring at him from the door frame of the tavern, a tall figure wearing a shrouded hood and cloak, with a large sword strapped on his back, and a strange piece of armor attached to his left shoulder. Clearing his throat, George spoke, "Ahem, stranger, can I help you? We are closing up, but if you like, I can poor you a quick drink," he said as politely as possible, not wishing to sound antagonistic toward such a formidable figure.

"No, thank you. I'm merely here for information," the man's voice relaxed the bartender, not sounding anything like what he had expected, he had a strong, stern nature, but very calm sounding, indicating he had no intent of starting a scene. Upon closer inspection, George saw the man was bearing a flintlock pistol, with a platinum finish and expert craftsmanship, knowing the blacksmith, George had an eye for great weaponry. The man's face also came out of the shadow; he had charismatic, blue eyes, and the features of a man in his thirties. His lengthy black hair came down to his brow, where George noticed a scar, going from the tip of his left eyebrow, stroking down and to the left toward his cheek bone. As young as he was, the man had age in his eyes, showing he must have had the experiences of a traveler of some sort.

Once more, George cleared his throat, "Well, ask away, as the bartender here in Herayden, I do know quite a bit about this town," he started to sound more at ease.

"I'm searching for someone, I had been hoping you would know of a traveler who may have passed through Herayden, on his way toward the Southern Province. His name is Zash, a sort of... freelance mercenary. He helps out traveling merchants and the like, well known for his abilities with the sword and gun," the man had focus in his eyes, staring straight in to George's eyes, seeking a definite answer.

"Ah, of course, yes, he's very well known around these parts. Last anyone heard from him, he said he had been reading up on something, and was simply heading toward the Archives of Coodrayix down South. The man is something, if I may point out. The people think of him as a celebrity of some sort. Very mysterious, all the same," George began rambling, but became quiet once more when the stranger grunted and his eyes grew impatient. George cut himself off, "erm, is that all, stranger?" beads of sweat began making George cold and nervous, not sure whether the man could have been an assassin of some sort.

"That's all, I thank you. I'll be on my way," the stranger briskly turned, his grand sword swung, barely missing the table next to him. He carried on toward the door, and rain began pouring out of the sky, no warning granted.

"May I ask what you're intentions are with-" the man cut George off, turning around with a sort of glare in his eyes.

"I have no intention of murdering him, if that's what your question is. I only need to speak with him... Although, I do understand your doubt, with this rag on my head, I must look a bit... Conspicuous," the man pulled the cloak over his head and off his body, tossing it aside top of a nearby barrel. With out the hood, his head was revealed, showing what was messy, unkempt hair.

"Ah, of- of course, I didn't mean to sound so- so rude. By the way stranger, I didn't catch your name?" George was now coated in sweat, not sure if asking his name was such a smart decision.

"My name..." the man stood still for a moment, his head slightly turned back toward the bar, while keeping his eyes on the rain, lost in thought, "my name is... Strife," without another word, he continued on in to the starry yet wet night, and what George had not noticed before, was a dog, with golden fur, followed Strife. The two strolled further and further, out of sight, consumed by the dark.
Last edited by CL/\SH at Jul 15, 2009,
#2
Post it in guest coloums. It useually has to do with Guitar or music though. I dident read this so i dont know if it has anything to do with guitar
#3
Quote by CreepingxDeth
Post it in guest coloums. It useually has to do with Guitar or music though. I dident read this so i dont know if it has anything to do with guitar

For the love of God will a mod please redirect me. I was told to post fiction/fantasy in here, after being taken from the pit. I'm not doing anything until a nice mod can help me, it stays here until then.
#5
Quote by CreepingxDeth
Who told you to post here? did you post your story before?

Im just asking not trying to get you mad

Another guy (I.O.T.M.) with as much cred as you do on UG. I'm not mad, but definitely irritated. The pit seemed perfect for this thing, and I was redirected here because apparently people post stuff in here like this all the time. I've only posted this first chapter of my story there as well. And then there are all the ass holes taking up space by posting tl;dr because they don't have lives, I just don't feel welcome on this site at this point.
#8
If you're as far as you say you shouldn't stop because some people gave you a hard time, besides, I'm interested in this, and I'm sure other people are too.
#9
Quote by GRiMM94
If you're as far as you say you shouldn't stop because some people gave you a hard time, besides, I'm interested in this, and I'm sure other people are too.

Well here's the thing. I've actually written a LARGE quantity of the story (At least the first 20 chapters) The chapters are small, as big as my first post. All of them were deleted, but now I'm rewriting it, as I have a lot of the story stashed in my head. I was posting it on a different website, and the site crashed, and was restored from a back up with out my story. A lot of people were in to it, but I just didn't feel like rewriting it all at the time, and since then, that site has pretty much disappeared. In any case, I'm certainly rewriting it and continuing where I left off, I just wanted a place to post it where people can encourage me and tell me how they like it, that's all. I am starting chapter two, now that I have one person who wants me to continue. I just need to know where before I get banned for posting the same thread 5 times.
#10
Don't listen at all to that CreepingxDeth guy, this is the right place to post any songs/poems/prose. Feel free to post your stories here.
#11
I'd have to say so far It's pretty cliched. The level of writing reminded me a bit of Eragon. Fantasy Novels like this are a dime a dozen these days so it needs something to distinguish it. Something like humor or unexpected protagonists. Also, everytime someone talks you should start a new paragraph. Mixing the dialogue with the paragraphs makes it look like an online fan-fiction.
Firefly > You

Trumpet Alliance
#12
Quote by Mr_Kite
I'd have to say so far It's pretty cliched. The level of writing reminded me a bit of Eragon. Fantasy Novels like this are a dime a dozen these days so it needs something to distinguish it. Something like humor or unexpected protagonists. Also, everytime someone talks you should start a new paragraph. Mixing the dialogue with the paragraphs makes it look like an online fan-fiction.

Read again, none of the dialogue is mixed. That's an error I don't take lightly, trust me. And I've started chapter two, you may find it isn't as cliched as it seems. I say this alot, don't judge a book by it's first page, just like you don't judge a book by it's cover. There will be fare bit of humor, just not yet, I'm still revealing just who Strife is, what his mission is, and the dog with him is not JUST a dog. Just be patient please
#13
This is really good IMO for a 16 year old.
I think you should continue, you could be a great Fantasy Fiction writer.
I still want to see how it goes on.
#14
From this point forward, the story will told from Strife's point of view, I know that isn't really accepted as a formal thing in writing, but chapter one was like a continuation of the prologue. Now, please tell me what you think!


Chapter Two

I passed over the cobble-stoned bridge of Herayden, now knowing where my destination lay. Nanaki sniffed at the ground beside me, not caring for the heavy downpour that was quickly soaking his coat of gold fur. His warm blue eyes occasionally looked up at me, expecting a command of some sort. Then he continued trotting along side me, resuming his activity. I've always wondered what I would do without him, my only company on this journey of mine.

So many questions. The Elder Council apparently had nothing to share with me, they didn't even know that there was a Heroes Council. I knew that a long time would pass before I would be reawakened, but still... How much time could have possibly passed from the day Solomon encased me in that sphere of ancient magic? Is it possible that no one remembers the Great War, or even the clash with Erebus? Where were my brethren? The Heroes who fought along side me, all gone, no one remaining. That would mean that Nicias, Bardur, Crucia, and Xander were all dead. Solomon told me that I would find the answers I'm looking for about my father, who killed him, and why. Now all I've found is more questions, and no resolution to them. One thing is certain, this Zash character is may be the one I'm looking for. The way these people speak of him, shows he has the qualities of a Hero.

Nanaki was growing more excited by the moment, becoming reacquainted with the smell of Herayden. Some of the houses were taller, and many new ones had been built. His tail seemed to be a flash of lightning never ceasing in the rainy night. "Well, boy, seems like we have our work cut out for us, don't we?" I smiled down at him, and his response was a small bark. He was itching to get out to Herayden lake, I could tell, being able to run around again in his favorite territory. I wanted to see the lake again, but for my own reasons. The Heroes Council headquarters used to be right smack in the middle of the lake, and I needed to see how it may have changed. But, I must be realistic. The fact that the Elders had no idea what I was talking about indicated that the Council was no longer there. Perhaps destroyed by Erebus? Or maybe the demons of Arcaya returned and overpowered them. That still doesn't make sense... The Heroes Council was at the peak of it's power when Solomon sealed me away. Ryfer and Nicias were stronger than myself, either one of them could have held their own against an army of Derilians.

Sighing, I looked toward the exit gates, which were guarded by two of the town guard. They stood nonchalantly, behaving as though their duty was routine. Had a Hero been guarding the gate, they would be scolding anyone who dared to speak with him, or her. Both began to quiet down as I approached.

"What's your business traveler? Carryin' around a sword like that! Bah, hope you're not lookin' for trouble now," he looked at me with distrust and dislike. I could tell that the standards of protectors of Demaytra and their disposition toward citizens had certainly dropped.

"I'm passing through, please open the gates," I spoke as politely as I could, not trying to be rude. I didn't want to start trouble and get a reputation, so soon after being awakened.

"Very well then, be safe on your travels. Hope you take good care of that pup o' yours, many thieves and highwaymen would make a meal o' him," the second guard answered me, very much unlike his partner.

"Thank you for the concern, but you needn't worry about the two of us, sir. Enjoy the evening," I passed through, the first guard continued to stare me down. Nanaki sensed my impatience, keeping close by. I continued through and departed the walls of Herayden, slowly moving down the slope toward the lake.

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"You see, Strife, I am troubled, very troubled," Solomon rubbed his brow and paced back and forth through his office. Whenever he did something like this, it meant another pointless mission for me to carry out.

"What is it, old man? Got another suicide mission for my squad?" I couldn't wait to get out of his musty old office and do my patrol with Nanaki. He had not been taken on his walk as of yet, not to mention Fell and Tyrden would be expecting some sort of training later on. Those two are always anxious to learn a new trick or two.

"No, no, no, it is... complicated," he stopped pacing and turned toward me, "In my meditation, I received a sort of... Message."

"What, a prophecy?" I chuckled, once again he was pulling this nonsense with me.

"No. A faint whisper. The voice was very familiar," he now sounded very serious. Now my interest was peaked, and he spoke monotonously,"it sounded much like your father."

My eyes widened, and my throat tightened. My father? I had been searching for answers for three years as to why he was taken from me. That mission, with Nicias... We took a pilgrimage to Arcaya, and I came back with this scar on my eye, Nicias nearly died. Bardur was furious with me.

Solomon spoke, disrupting my thoughts, "he said the same thing over, and over. 'Arcaya is not finished,' he whispered, constantly. I fell in to a trance, and nightmares plagued me, of our bout with Arcaya's demons. So many things come to mind."

"Well, what do you make of it? Someone contacting us from beyond the void, that hadn't happened since Bardur's return!" a fleeting sense of hope flashed inside of my heart. Maybe, just maybe, Father could return, just as Bardur did.

"Look. I know this is sudden. But I have a mission for you, so calm down," I sat upright for once, intent on listening to everything he had to say, "when I woke, I discovered I had written this on a parchment," he pulled out a scroll and handed it to me.

I snatched it from his hand, and attacked the paper with my eyes, it read, 'Grave tidings indeed, Solomon. It is I, Striven, and my buisness on this earth is not entirely finished. Tell my son, Strife, that the answers he so desperately seeks must be found on his own. The future is complicated, so complicated that I can't really say much in the amount of time I have been given. It took a lot of mana just to communicate with you through the void. Arcaya has a leader, one with intelligence, and I have discovered his intentions. With in time, Strife will be needed, but he will die before he is needed, so you know there is only one way for him to be kept alive. He is to find a Hero in the future, one that is key in solving the riddle Arcaya has so long plagued us with. The demons power is not limited, ours is. And they do not wish to merely destroy all of Demaytra, as we once assumed. Their intentions are much darker. You know what must be done.'

Anger flared within me, "What! This is all he can say, after all this time!? More riddles, more prophecies, and more crap!" the pain and rage within me soared, I could not believe what was happening.

"Calm yourself, now," Solomon's voice boomed, and he used the tone with me that he only ever uses when he is serious, "I know how frustrated you are. You have so many questions, none with answers, and this may be your only chance to find them. This is all I know. Get Nanaki, and meet me back here when you're ready."

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We finally left the trees of the forest and came upon the Herayden Lake. Nanaki instantly bolted out in to the open, more than likely heading to his favorite swimming spot, he panted more quickly than I've heard in a long time. My heart sank as his rose. The platform where the Heroes Council once resided was no where to be seen. I sprinted as fast as I could toward the edge of the lake to make sure I wasn't seeing things. It was true, the Heroes Council no longer existed.

So, now I am left with more questions than ever before. My father, taken away from me right as I entered my prime as a member of the Horus brigand of Heroes. Nicias, my mentor, along with all of my other closest friends, all more than likely perished with time. Solomon, the old bastard he was, no where to guide me. The Heroes Council in ruins. Arcaya's demons somewhere, mobilizing for purposes unknown. Erebus, still running a muck in Demaytra, and still terrorizing it's people. And somehow I, who had failed on a mission to retrieve the information needed about my father in Arcaya, stripped of his rank and cast aside as Solomon's puppet for use when needed, meant for the dirty work.

But, I must complete the task given to me. This man, Zash, must have the answers I'm looking for, and must be a part of my Father's message. "Nanaki!" I called out to my dog, and he instantly ran toward me. He began licking my hands, sweaty and dirty as they were, ready to move onward. At least while I carry out my mission, I won't be alone.
#15
Hey, I read this last night, and thought it could do with some reworking. It's just something I like doing to pass the time between classes.

Anyway, I tinkered with the Prologue for you, just to see what you think:

Prologue


In the age of war, over five hundred years ago, the continent of Demaytra thrived on death and destruction. The continent was comprised of three nations – Aspheix, Nadraya and Coodrayix – each seeking dominance over Demaytra. In this era, magic, sword and bow were the weapons of choice throughout Demaytra. After a century of bloodshed, known in Demaytrian history as the Great War, Aspheix, Nadraya, and Coodrayix were in a state of ruin. With the continent in decay, open to any outside attack, the leaders of each nation, met to discuss the future of their countries. This meeting spawned the Elders Council, which comprised of leaders from across every nation, to ensure the safety of the land. It was decided that the nations of Demaytra would call a truce for the greater good, to unify the land as the negativity and evil of war was a beacon calling to the demons of the old age. While the continent was caught in constant war, the demons could have slipped through defences and run rampant across the land. Through their unification, the Demaytrians amassed a grand army of Heroes, who were able to fight back the demons to the Wastes of Arcaya in the North.


The Heroes were an elite class of soldiers, specially trained from birth to be tools of war. These many Heroes became brothers, and eventually established what is known as the Heroes Council, a lesser branch of the Elders. After the Great War, these Heroes became protectors of the land, but not without a price – whether they were protecting royalty or civilians from bandits, wayward demons, or other creatures of dark nature as they travelled across the land.

Some Heroes however, were inevitably led astray by greed and lust for power. Many sought to rule all of Demaytra, or simply to find magic that would give them greater power. Some worked together, while others formed their own clans, the most infamous of which became Erebus, a shady company that sought control of demons and man alike. The leader was a Hero whose identity to this day has been shrouded in secret. Many regard him as a myth.

After years of conflict, the Heroes Council and Erebus vanished, after a large number of the leaders and Heroes fell in the largest battle since the Great War, although it should be noted that neither side emerged victorious. The Elder Hero, the tie between the Heroes Council and the Elders Council, used a special magic to freeze Strife, a great hero with a dark past who fought in both the Great War and with Erebus, in a crystalline sphere to be awoken centuries later when Demaytra would need him most. The years slowly passed, and the citizens of Demaytra grew accustomed to a life without war, demons, or magic. A small police force was used to fend off occasional bandit raids, as well as uphold the law.

Now, five hundred years after so much has passed, gun powder has been invented, and the flintlock rifle and pistol, along with fireworks, has helped move the industrialization of Demaytra along. However, old demons are once again awakening, whispers are floating about of the return of Erebus, and the Heroes Council is in ruin and forgotten. The Elders still remain, though few have any knowledge of the Heroes and their time.

The veil of peace is about to be lifted from the scarred face of Demaytra, while life is about to take a large leap backwards in time.


Also, reading through Chapter One and a bit of Two, some things don't seem consistent. I forgot to list them, but I'll have another proofread tomorrow after work.

By the way, this story has potential. I enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy rewriting it.
#16
As much as I can appreciate someone rewriting my own story, I do. But the thing is, you don't have the whole picture, and it is revealed through out the story. I'd appreciate tips and constructive criticism, but I myself haven't done full edits yet. I'm doing rough drafts, reading through and editing, much like a writer should do. I'm not really continuing it here, as there are too many people who just waste space and irritate me by posting obnoxious comments. PM me if you want to read more, because I'm doing this story somewhere else now.