#1
lol, you guys didnt think I was serious did you?

Song on my profile. I like it a lot. Still a lot to iron out. Not good writing. wrote it spontaeneously and recorded it after not sleeping for 24 hours. I recorded a better version but that one is more personal and has some pretty heavy lyrical tangents. enjoy.


Secret Song 123

Wouldn’t you know it
We even have the same birthday
And I’m surprised
I’ve never noticed
That worldly glint in your brown eyes
So don’t hate me
If I spend the night staring into them
From across the poker table

Check fold me
Only God can hold me down,
When what I want is to be up with you
But he’s got a pretty strong grip
And I haven't figured out how to shake him yet

Wouldn’t you know it
You used to want to be a model
And all my friends used
to make fun of your walk
And I’m surprised
I’ve never noticed
That pained look in your smiling eyes
I wonder what you’ve been through
To make them that bittersweet

Check fold me
Only God can hold me down
When I want to be up with you
But he’s got a pretty strong grip
And I haven't figured out how to shake him yet

Wouldn’t you know it
It’s dark outside
And I’m out fifteen dollars
And we only have time for a simple conversation
About the uniqueness of each watermelon
God made when the world was born
I’m not surprised
But I am saddened
By the look that connects quickly
Between our solemn eyes.
Before our bodies move on
With their respective lives
#2
I thought that this was extremely well-written. During the last verse especially, my eyes just flowed down the page seamlessly and effortlessly. It painted such a great picture and it was something I could definitely relate to well. This piece had a very distinct tone which I'm unfortunately unable to articulate. Nevertheless, the tone was extremely interesting but also something I seemed to understand. Just the vibe I got from this piece made sense to me.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of a help with this but I think that if you took anything away or put anything else in then it would suffer. Great writing.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
I'd critique it, but there really isn't much there to critique. The song's pretty fantastic in its own right. Some of flow does seem weird sometimes, but I know well enough that those can change easily when it's actually sung.

But really, that's a very great piece you've written.
#5
Wait, so you're not dead?
>.>
<.<
*scraps party plans*

Seriously, I wouldn't say this was too dodgy. I want to listen to the song though first, which means waiting for my damn internet to come back, so I'll just crit the writing as best as I can.

First off, the chorus(?) was brilliant, bar the "me/me" rhyme. Wasn't a fan of that at all.

The rest of the song read pretty typical Dylan. In the second one however, I didn't feel the "wouldn't you know" flowed into the second line, and it felt like there was one too many "used". The third verse was my favourite. I'll come back once I've listened to the song.
#6
Quote by #1 synth



Wouldn’t you know it
We even have the same birthday

hated this launch point; mostly because its the only time in the whole piece where the lead in lines don't connect well to the rest of the verse/stanza.

And I’m surprised
I’ve never noticed
That worldly glint in your brown eyes
So don’t hate me
If I spend the night staring into them
From across the poker table

And - noticed... was weak. It's weak everytime you use it in this. Every time I read it I thought "god, he couldn't think of a good way to connect this and just took an easy way out."


Check fold me
Only God can hold me down,
When what I want is to be up with you
But he’s got a pretty strong grip
And I haven't figured out how to shake him yet

Wouldn’t you know it
You used to want to be a model
And all my friends used
to make fun of your walk
And I’m surprised
I’ve never noticed
That pained look in your smiling eyes
I wonder what you’ve been through
To make them that bittersweet

Isn't the mocking what makes them bittersweet? Why do you introduce this walking thing and modeling thing and then sort of break away back to the eyes without doing anything? Why did you introduce the birthday thing above and do nothing with it? Seems like wasted words if you aren't going to use what you are creating. You create these lovely little snippets of character, and then drag them back into a selfish rant style wondering; never touching on what the painting of the characters is meaning, or how the characters are relating. You are building... but it seems like you are building each corner of a house separately, not connecting them. Not much of a house if its built with just corners and snippets.

Check fold me
Only God can hold me down
When I want to be up with you
But he’s got a pretty strong grip
And I haven't figured out how to shake him yet

Wouldn’t you know it
It’s dark outside
And I’m out fifteen dollars
And we only have time for a simple conversation
About the uniqueness of each watermelon
God made when the world was born
I’m not surprised
But I am saddened
By the look that connects quickly
Between our solemn eyes.
Before our bodies move on
With their respective lives

Where the **** did watermelons come from? why did the poker theme drop out in stanza two? The ending is god-damn brilliant; but you tuck it under so much underdeveloped **** that I can't taste it the way I should. I think Dylan's sporadic musings really hurt this. I thought that a true narrative style could have shown through the beauty of this scene and the undercurrent of tension between characters... but you introduced so much else that you didn't really develop that what was there seemed flaky.



Didn't enjoy this as much as I should have. Great idea and use of the "poker theme" and whatnot... just too much fluff for me. Or if it wasn't fluff... it came across as fluff.

Sailors in sig. I'd appreciate it. And no, I knew you wouldn't leave... you're dylan; you're always part of here.