#1
you never showed me your LLLLLLLL,
only some VVVVVV
that blocked the way,
obscuring my field of vision
of BBBBBB
and SSSSSS
and CCCCCC.
Color-coded fantasies
of empty blimps floating overhead,
headless in the sky, attached to some strong cord,
industrial-strength,
attached to some electrical wire,
breathing in the night sky.
Can't you see, they're all inhaled deeply?
So WWWW flows down their molecules.
How could I care?
When YYYYYY is in my field of vision.
The glass is blurry with rain. I am on the tabletop corner of an unnamed restaurant
drawn from memory. It is bright inside. Somewhere, someone is supposed to come in
and serve me, SAVE ME, but I don't know whom, or if he is friendly. I fish around in my pockets
for any trace of a weapon, but all I have are the blunt instruments
of fork and knife
in front of me.
They are no match to your BBBBBB PPPPPP.

And I realize why I am here,
and why you might be here.
I make out the growing wrinkles on your smile lines
and the growing looseness in your poise
and the glowering light in your spine
and your wrinkled overcoat.
You are emotionless to me.


-----
OTS.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
It was never a word.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
I didn't like the letter stuff. I thought it masked some fairly strong images and writing behind a cheap gimmick adn really took away from what should have been a strong and enjoyable piece of writing.


ok, thanks for the comment.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#6
I'm not sure what the lettering mean't either. It was a strange set of lyrics, but I still though it was interesting.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
Also, go post links to your three favorite pieces from last month in the WotM thread, you're nom'd and I'd like to get the vote going. If you haven't done so by tonight, I'm just taking the first three I come to.


will do.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#9
is the letters supposed to represent sumthing?! like, if you were to sing it, how would you sing the letter parts?! lyrics were great 'cept 4 the confusing letters. pleas, god, explain
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks
#10
Keep the capital letters.
The first ten or so lines are great.

Only thing I don't care for much is the 'abrupt' ending. Maybe stick the 'me' on a following line.
But greeeaaat stuff. Like Frosties.
#11
i love the abstractness
and this piece

of course people don't get this.

also,
why does every person think that everything people post on here is a song?
maybe its not meant to be sung? maybe its just meant to be enjoyed
or pondered?
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Jul 17, 2009,
#12
Quote by Ebshabutiee

why does every person think that everything people post on here is a song?
maybe its not meant to be sung? maybe its just meant to be enjoyed
or pondered?


"SONGwriting & lyrics". Not "Pondering Poems & lyrics". Not "Look, I know know my alphabet & lyrics". "Song writing & lyrics".
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks
#13
it doesn't take much to realize that more than half of the works posted on this forum are not songs.
this one is for you.
#14
i love you hans.
you're so abstract.
great piece.
explain it to me on msn, yeah?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#15
without consistency gimmicks can't build to be anything but gimmicks. Loved the first 2 lines and lines 5-7, but then you stopped being committed to the letters and so instead of intriging me it just made me think you had no idea where you were going which made me lose interest in the piece.

put some flow into lines 3 and 4, competely killed the incredibly strong first two.
#17
Quote by ZanasCross
I didn't like the letter stuff. I thought it masked some fairly strong images and writing behind a cheap gimmick adn really took away from what should have been a strong and enjoyable piece of writing.
this ^

I started to wade through it, but I was so turned off by the letter shiz i just tuned out and stopped altogether.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#18
Quote by SaiNt adEL #13
"SONGwriting & lyrics". Not "Pondering Poems & lyrics". Not "Look, I know know my alphabet & lyrics". "Song writing & lyrics".





Much to learn, you have.


But anyway, I read this yesterday and I absolutely hated it because of the letters. Hated it. But now that I read it again, it kinda grew on me. It's an interesting idea, and the writing once you get around the annoyance of the letters is extremely good. my one question is, are the letters just random or are they supposed to mean something? I was thinking for a bit that they were the first letter of the word that was supposed to be there.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#19
What is wrong with you people ...
The capital letters make the whole piece.
IMO.
#20
Quote by samoo
What is wrong with you people ...
The capital letters make the whole piece.
IMO.



I think the problem was the first time reading it, I see these huge capital letters and it makes me stop reading for a second, because I can't read a BBBBBB, unless I were to say all of the letters one by one. So it broke it up and made it kinda.....choppy. The idea is just so different that it takes a bit to get used to something like that. It reminded me of a glitch in a computer at first.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#21
thanks for the replies guys.


The idea (totally unoriginal and probably very pretentious) for replacing words with letters was inspired by reading some novels (I think the great gatsby did this, as well as some kobo abe, but it was a translation to english, so i'm not sure if it was intended that way) in which the characters' name have been purposely blocked out, like "Mr P-------". I've always wondered why the author's did that, instead of making up a fictional name, which they are perfectly capable of doing. Maybe it's to give off an air of mystery or the impression that it was a true story with the names of the involved withheld.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#22
To be honest I just do not know if I like this piece or actually think it is terrible . Well I do not think that it's terrible but quite average. Well it is clever the idea of letters I just do not think the overall flow/writing is that great in parts. The lettering kind of interested me, but after reading it twice i was rather annoyed by it.

In general, I would say that the idea behind the meaning and letter theory is a decent and creative one but it is just not used to its greatest potential. I would like for it to be used in a different context next time.

Hopefully you like my two writings "Together Through Life" and "The Rough, The"