#1
Alright, so I'm workin' on this song for a girl I've always liked. Lately her boyfriend's been a total ass, so I wanna give this to her to hopefully cheer her up. But I'm having a couple of lyrical conflicts. Anywhere you see a question mark, I would love to have your opinion. Also, constructive criticism on the song as a whole is welcome.

"What a Douche"

Belabor yourself into the bane of your mind
until the ruins are secluded and the tumors benign
You called upon Satan whilst trapped in a well? in a cell?
Now he'll open the craters and drag you to Hell!
You shouldn't have beaten and thrown her to waste
Now you'll be punished for all of your days? all of your ways? all your mistakes?
You sick psycho monster what's got you possessed
You just couldn't handle the best of the best!

There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!

Filthy monstrosity, cower before
druggies and gypsies and godless cheap *****s
chained down to stone walls of blackest of night
crumple your body 'neath power of might!
Ivory tee shirt sleeves torn clean off
rippling biceps are fashioned to scoff.
Crucify sinners just 'cause they're their
execute winners to show you don't care!


There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!

[kick ass solo]


There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!
to save you from that beast
to save you from his feast
to rescue you from heat
to guarantee his cease!


Thanks for your help guys!
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks
#2
It's good if it's just a song, but to give to a girl?
I'd change things up a tad
If The Sun Refused To Shine
I Would Still Be Loving You
Mountains Crumble To The Sea
There Would Still Be You And Me

My Stuff
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Roland Cube 30X
Washburn Acoustic
Dunlop CryBaby
#3
i would say its a colossal mistake to give this to the girl, especially if she is still with her boyfriend. it will be obvious that you want her and you will come off as a weirdo.
#4
Not exactly a romantic song is it :L It seemes alright though... But I do wanna hear this "kickass solo" :L

Kidsan (:
#5
Nicely written and all but you should not by any means give this to the girl. Was the guy really beating her and stuff? If he was just behaving like an ass I'd say this is overkill, but if the dude was really beating her and sh*t, then it's a different matter. Still, I wouldnt give her this song to cheer her up.

I like the song overall though, but I'm not any good at critting song lyrics though so i cant say much more than that
Last edited by Zeltaok at Jul 16, 2009,
#6
In a cell. Definently in a cell.

For the other parts, sing all of them, split it up into two lines.
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#7
I have to agree exactly with what the other posters have stated above me.

Cell/Well? Here is my opinion.

I think the line is decent, but I would have done it more like this.

You've smirked and smiled for satan cause he tells the story all too well.

Days/Ways/Mistakes?

Try to rhyme it with the word haste. I've been very into using the word haste recently and it really is much more descriptive word than days,ways, and mistakes could ever be.

Staring at her reflection as you try to made her fade, I can tell you;ve got the taste of my haste.... or something along those lines.

Overall, this is an average piece that really bases itself on the solo most likely. The opening to the first verse/stanza is a bit oddly worded but in genral not bad but not great.

Cheers!

I have two pieces on here "Together Through Life" and "The Rough,The"
#8
now that i think about it, you all are probably right. i won't give to her. but i'd still like to finish it and record it, so anybody else who's got any crits go ahead and let me hear em

btw, the song is mostly describing how i see the situation, judging by what she told me. "what a douche" was the first thhing she said that made me realize sumthin was wrong
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks
#9
Quote by Zeltaok
Nicely written and all but you should not by any means give this to the girl. Was the guy really beating her and stuff? If he was just behaving like an ass I'd say this is overkill, but if the dude was really beating her and sh*t, then it's a different matter. Still, I wouldnt give her this song to cheer her up.


He didn't physically hurt her or anything, but he just kept blatantly telling her she was stupid, ugly, rude, selfish, etc. they've been goin' out 4 three years and apparently the last two years were like this. they finally got in a huge fight and he kept yelling at her how much he hated her, so she got the guts to just break up with him. she cried for like two days straight after that
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks
#10
this song is good on its own, not as a gift for a girl with less extreme problems as the other posters have said.

your adjectives and various descriptions are well placed and used.

also, I do want to hear that kick ass solo.
#11
when i ever get the song recorded I'll post it on here. i'm sure the name probably won't change so just occasionally search "what a douche" in the forums
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks