#1
Here is just some writing that I did one night and thought why not share. It is a bit rough and unedited but hopefully y'all can give me some help. Thanks!

The wolf bows his head at disgrace from the wound,
As the sheep baa along with a meaning we've deemed bleak.
Perfection writes a love postcard from the platoon.
As labored eyes emotionally pronounce each line, you're staring at chemicals in the meat.

Maker of the home, sundress and all,barely muttering it's seasoning.
Forcefully pushed back your seat chanting "what is your meaning! what is our meaning!"
Perfection, with his baby blues and slicked back blondes,must you pretend to miss.
A lot of friends have snake raveled in their coil, their english to you sounds more of a hiss, a diss.

Inside these locker filled halls, she is your girl.
But you wont grasp her wrist at the end of the world.
It took you one month, three days, and five hours to realize you were her pawn.
Burnt each compsition that featured Donna's reference in a song.

"You've traveled long distances for never leaving home,"
Says a wounded veteran with a houma beau,
the first of threes arriving on next tues,
and yet he never felt so alone.
Walk down main street,
That's where the most impatience will be felt in through out your feet.

As Donna prounces down the walkway,
Her brunette locks wavy but staring at you so straight.
Just out of luck she marches towards where you feet tend to stay.
The boulevard feels in shambles.
Foreclosures and local gossip rambles.

"You've got the Zimmerman blues,"
as you motion down seeing the rage in her toe tapping shoes.
a voice harsh like water beating against rocks,
she pretends to be a hound, but never did you act a fox.

Beginning to whisper and whimper,
With the meanings you continue to tinker.
But like each and every pawn,
One does what the Queen has destined and drawn.

Walked through the door,
A twisted fantasy both the elderstatesmen would be motionless layed on the floor,
Rather yet, they are positioned exactly as before.
It's a new day, but knowing that you've only got coupons at the dollar store.
#2
Great imagery and I love the much more abstract feel of the lyrics. This song creates a great picture for the listener and the words really make them think about the meaning.
#3
I found this quite hard to read, honestly. I was irked out by how most of the sentences started and ended in one line. I noticed that this piece is rich with imagery, which is good, but there isn't much of a spotlight or focus on specific words. Because of this it bundles on and on.
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#4
Very profound. Great imagery, and you are obviously a very articulate writer. My only critique would be the same as Laces Out Danny; It is a bit difficult to hold onto any of the lines because there is so much going on. A lot of great poetry and songs have one or two amazing lines that keep the reader drawn in... and with this it's just so much that you have to re-read lines, and then you end up forgetting them because of the length. Then again, many people love this style of writing, so I wouldn't particuliarly change anything. I'm a fan!
#5
I really enjoyed this piece. Although, I do think it was kind of hard to read, I thought the imagery was brilliant.I really had to think about the meaning on this one and I couldn't come up with one, which is good because it can leave it to wide interpretation. What kind of music you going to put it to? I think it should go to some kind of folkish style but that's just my opinion.
#6
I do plan on makome revisions to the overall reading because it is a bit too wordy if you ask me too.

Right now, I am beginning to get more into folk/blues music. I would say that the music generally will have a feel towards the early Dylan days something almost off of "Highway 61 Revisited" or "Blonde on Blonde".

Right now, my mind is not working too great (a lot of things in it) but next week I'll get back to revising and crit. people's works.

Thanks