#1
So, I've been workin' on the song some more (refer to my previous thread) and so far I've narrowed it down to this. But I can still use your help. Wherever you see question marks, give me your opinion, and I'm very open to constructive criticism!

"What a Douche"

Belabor yourself into the bane of your mind
until the ruins are secluded and the tumors benign
-You called upon Satan whilst trapped in a cell?
-You narrate for Satan, 'cause his story's too well?
But he'll open the craters and drag you to Hell!
You shouldn't have beaten and thrown her to waste
Now you'll be punished for -all of your days?
-all of your ways?
-all your mistakes?
You sick psycho monster what's got you possessed
You just couldn't handle the best of the best!

There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!

Filthy monstrosity, cower before
druggies and gypsies and godless cheap wh*res
chained down to stone walls of blackest of night
crumple your body 'neath power of might!
Ivory tee shirt sleeves torn clean off
rippling biceps are fashioned to scoff.
Crucify sinners just 'cause they're their
execute winners to show you don't care!


There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!

[kick ass solo]


There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!
to save you from that beast
to save you from his feast
to rescue you from heat
to guarantee his cease!


Thanks for your help guys!
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks
#2
I liked it. pretty old school which is great. sounds for a great song, and a kick ass solo of course.
#3
Quote by SaiNt adEL #13
So, I've been workin' on the song some more (refer to my previous thread) and so far I've narrowed it down to this. But I can still use your help. Wherever you see question marks, give me your opinion, and I'm very open to constructive criticism!

"What a Douche"

Belabor yourself into the bane of your mind
until the ruins are secluded and the tumors benign
-You called upon Satan whilst trapped in a cell?
-You narrate for Satan, 'cause his story's too well?
But he'll open the craters and drag you to Hell!
You shouldn't have beaten and thrown her to waste
Now you'll be punished for -all of your days?
-all of your ways?
-all your mistakes?
You sick psycho monster what's got you possessed
You just couldn't handle the best of the best!
I really like this, very good vocabulary. But the line the sick psycho monster doesn't work to me
There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!
The first line to me is simply amazing
Filthy monstrosity, cower before
druggies and gypsies and godless cheap wh*res
chained down to stone walls of blackest of night
crumple your body 'neath power of might!
Ivory tee shirt sleeves torn clean off
rippling biceps are fashioned to scoff.
Crucify sinners just 'cause they're their
execute winners to show you don't care!
Druggies isn't a good word, try junkies

There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!

[kick ass solo]


There's no point in what's not real
But still I'll always be here
to save you from that beast
to guarantee his cease!
to save you from that beast
to save you from his feast
to rescue you from heat
to guarantee his cease!


Thanks for your help guys!

Overall I really enjoyed this, Doesn't really need work to me but that's just my opinion.
#4
Junkies is MUCH better! thx
METALLICA!!!
___________ ____________

________________

Epiphone Les Paul
Epiphone Sunburst
Ibanez V70CENT
LINE 6 Spider III 15
Peavey Bandit 112
Jim Dunlop, Dava, First Act Picks