#1
I am open to all suggestions and comments about this song

"Like Her"


your world starts to come undone,
eyes buring like fire,
your holding a loaded gun,
maybe wanting to touch a live wire,

heart torn to bits,
it seems the only way,
you want to say thats it,
then ask why you should stay,

you got what you wanted,
its just what you deserve,
I guess that wasnt me,
maybe I should have been like her,

His memory still hants you,
sometimes you cant get him out of your head,
dreams become nightmares,
forgetting him gets harder to do,
you remember the words that he said,

you got what you wanted,
its just what you deserve,
I guess that wasnt me,
maybe I should have been like her,

Take me away from this place,
away from all the tears and pain

hands bleeding from all the pain,
you never will be the same,
clothes become tattered and stained,
from your eyes the pain came,

you got what you wanted,
its just what you deserve,
I guess that wasnt me,
maybe I should have been like her,
I should have been like her
Last edited by Lil_Mama521 at Jul 17, 2009,
#4
1 - drop the verse/chorus markers.
it's annoying as hell to read that way.
just copy/paste the chorus, as necessary.
or at the very least put (chorus) above the first time it appears
then just (chorus) each instance after that.

2 - spell-check, for christ's sake.
if you can't take a moment to polish, how can you expect others to take you seriously?
*burning
*that's
*wasn't
*haunts.

3 - dunno if the last line is part of the song or just a person interjection of your own.
either way the exclamation mark is childish.
screaming for attention, rather than making a statement.
i'd drop it from the presentation!

4 - it's a little cliche'd but not horrible.
i don't feel a strong sense of rhythm, though.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
Changes help a ton. I can actually read it easily now.

commas aren't the only form of punctuation.
don't be afraid of the full-stop period where appropriate.
yeah, I know it's a song, but presentation it on the page is still important.

a smattering of caps here and there is worse than none at all.
work on using them more effectively.
and I don't mean just start every line with a cap, either.

spelling/grammar hasn't changed. fix that?
also:
*you're holding a loaded gun


your world starts to come undone,
eyes buring like fire,
your holding a loaded gun,
maybe wanting to touch a live wire,

These are 4 cliches thrown together for the sake of the rhymes.
Barely tolerable. The disparity between holding a gun and touching a live wire is just too far. Needs something to tie a few of these ideas together or segue from one idea to the next.

Also the point of view shifts throughout. Sometime "You" comes across as speaking about yourself, other times it seems like second-person. That's confusing.

Don't waste your replies too early. wait for a few responses and reply to several at once. You only get so many, then they close your thread.

Good luck.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jul 17, 2009,