hi guys
this is some Lyrics for my Progressive (Jazz) Metal band. Kind of tried to envolve a dystopic topic. pls tell me what you think about it (in a constructive way ).

Robot slaves lead the bodies
of the dead
to a last electric funeral

New Organs are Printed
For the living
To remain another hundred years

Dawn fades in a electric wasteland
Full of synthetic life
and radiation

The Last Animals have been slain
centuries ago but theres another way to get

the big machine rules
the vast lands
the endless void to conquer
eternity to take
death to betray
and the universe to enslave
It seems all broken up when I read it. It doesn't flow from line to line, but if this is a song that doesn't really matter because you're going to be singing it. But just from a reading standpoint, it looks as if most of the stuff is incomplete thoughts thrown together. It might just be me.

Sounds like it would make a great song, though.

If you want, you can take a look at the piece in my sig(Bottom sentence is a link).
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
There pretty good, however some of the lyrics feels as if they was just stolen from Black Sabbath.

A little to obvious for me, but still very good.
We all love the fail-tar!
I am 50/50 with this song.

Positives: I really do enjoy the whole topic of the lyrics and where the "story" seems to go. To me this is very much like the movie A.I. that came out in, I believe, 2001. There is some decent imagery through out and some nice political thoughts through out the piece.

Negatives: In general, this piece needs a lot more poetic license to it. A while ago someone crit. me by saying that and I did not really know what that really meant. I would mean it by saying that the ideas are there, the imagery is set up, but there does not seem to be any sort of emotion or passion really coming through with the words. Some of the phrases seem a bit overused while others just do not seem to have any complete flow(especially the last stanza). In general some revisions would really help this piece out for the long run.

Overall, I would say the basic idea is there but keep on working on it.

I have two pieces on the 1st page "Together Through Life" and "The Rough, The" please tell me what ya think

Like said, the lyrics have a good theme and are pretty deacently written but lacks a good flow. But, a lot of it hangs on how its put together in the song so. Don't take everything to hard on your lyrics.
@ vocal valantine
y the lyrics are inspired by the two texts of black sabbath about a simular topic, into the void and electric funeral and some of the novels i read in the last few months like brave new world and other dystopic stuff.
how do i get more flow? should i use more metaphoric language? i also forgot to mention that the lyrics are beeing growled^^.
ill put up the guitar pro of the guitar voice so that you can perhaps kind of imagine how it would fit in the song. would be nice if you took a look at it
thx for the advices so far also
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