#1
I wrote this a while back when I was dating my last girlfriend, i recently found it and though, while i don't feel this way, its still and interesting poem.


When time 's eternal grip loses hold on the senses


All concious hopes of control fade to its ever inescapable power


The slightest stirring of though releases a cascading flow of emotion that overwhelms all receiving inputs and triggers a surging rush of inexplicable comfort


The digging ache of emptiness that tells nothing is right until the welcoming calm of ecstasy of being held is found


That the only way to ever be whole again is to free the veiled heart


Let go of the carefully guarded fears and fall to its comforting and intimate embrace


The jump to the fall is one of uncertainty, but the right path will show itself, trust the heart to decide what it finds true.
Free at last! Free at last! God Almighty FREE AT LAST!
I Pan-Tallica
#2
I enjoyed this a lot. It was short, simple, and succint. I got a great vibe from the entire thing, especially the last line with is the exact same philosophy that I have. It is apparent that you wrote this from the heart, and that's what writing is all about in my opinion.

You might wanna take a look at this line though:

"The slightest stirring of though releases a cascading flow of emotion that overwhelms all receiving inputs and triggers a surging rush of inexplicable comfort"

I read it a couple times and something doesn't seem right....the "though" doesn't make sense to me.

At any rate, great writing.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
This feels incomplete. Like it is part of something much, much bigger. I quite liked it, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't seem to start at the start, and it doesn't seem to end at the end, if you know what I mean.

If I were you, I'd probably try to add a few more lines and try to clearly define a starting point and an end. I'd probably also try to add more metaphors and colourful language. That should make it feel fuller, I think.

Alternatively of course, you could try to write something bigger around it, that of course is up to you.

If you could take a real quick look at:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1162168
I'd appreciate it.