#1
Laying my head down,
my thoughts drift to you.
And the night when we first met.
My pillow starts to drown,
in the endless flow of tears,
heart break, and regret.
And someday, I'll say,
How can I live without you?
When that day comes,


*Chorus:
I'll be miles and miles away,
Making the best years of my life,
Cause you're not by my side.
Though I can't ever change
The feelings that I had for you
They won't ever fade.
I'll still try my best,
to get you off of my mind.*


Like the summer heat,
My flip flops and your bare feet
Sippin' lemonade by my pool.
Remember those silly yellow shades
You bought for me on my birthday?
Yeah, I threw them away.
But someday, you'll say,
Why did I ever let her go?
When that day comes,


*Chorus*


And if you ever catch up with me,
I'll just laugh and ask you why
You'd waste your time on a girl
Who spent her days getting away.
I already know how you'll answer me,
You missed me so much and,
Now that you realize you were wrong
You wanna make up for what you did.
But I'll say that's too bad,
Hun, you had your chance
To treat me right the first time.
I'm so glad I got you off my mind.
pikachu (ISMYHOMEBOY)
#2
Let me say that it is apparent that you wrote this from the heart which is all any writer can do. In my opinion, that's how writing should be done. There was a lot of things I liked about this piece. The first being that it seemed to be heartfelt. Second, was the first part of the second verse. There was some good imagery and it was very personal which was great.

However, I will suggest a few things to you. One is that some of the things you wrote here border on cliche. I think that if you sit down and reflect upon your situation, you'll come up with an original way to express it. In my opinion, most of this piece had lines I'd already hear before. I think you continue with the same imagery you had going in your second verse. That stuff was good.

Also, as I was reading it, I interpreted the narrator as somebody who is a little bitter at their ex and still has feelings for them (the chorus seems to express this). However, your last verse seems to totally contradict this with the line "I'm so glad I got you off my mind". Unless I'm missing something, it seems like you went from still having feelings for him to having none. I would just suggest that you stay consistent with what you wanna express or if your narrator is going to change his/her stance on things (which is perfectly acceptable), then you must have some sort-of seg-way in order to lead the reader into this change instead of just abruptly dumping it on the reader at the last moment.

I hope some of this made sense. You have an amazing foundation here. Just a few tweaks and revisions and you should be well on your way.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
Let me say that it is apparent that you wrote this from the heart which is all any writer can do. In my opinion, that's how writing should be done. There was a lot of things I liked about this piece. The first being that it seemed to be heartfelt. Second, was the first part of the second verse. There was some good imagery and it was very personal which was great.

However, I will suggest a few things to you. One is that some of the things you wrote here border on cliche. I think that if you sit down and reflect upon your situation, you'll come up with an original way to express it. In my opinion, most of this piece had lines I'd already hear before. I think you continue with the same imagery you had going in your second verse. That stuff was good.

Also, as I was reading it, I interpreted the narrator as somebody who is a little bitter at their ex and still has feelings for them (the chorus seems to express this). However, your last verse seems to totally contradict this with the line "I'm so glad I got you off my mind". Unless I'm missing something, it seems like you went from still having feelings for him to having none. I would just suggest that you stay consistent with what you wanna express or if your narrator is going to change his/her stance on things (which is perfectly acceptable), then you must have some sort-of seg-way in order to lead the reader into this change instead of just abruptly dumping it on the reader at the last moment.

I hope some of this made sense. You have an amazing foundation here. Just a few tweaks and revisions and you should be well on your way.



Dang, this guy above me must have a lot of time on his hands to make a critique like that, but I do agree with him, it is a nice piece.
#4
^^ Critiques of that length are not uncommon...

I liked all of this except the chorus. You need to completely rewrite it. Try to make it catchier, and maybe a little shorter. The rest was good. The imagery was good, but only on the verses. It was kind of like you turned off the switch when you wrote the chorus. I thought you used rhyme very well throughout.

It's good that you wrote about something so personal. Not only does it make for good writing when you do that, it's one of the best ways to release all the pent up emotions.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by SubwayToVenus
Let me say that it is apparent that you wrote this from the heart which is all any writer can do. In my opinion, that's how writing should be done. There was a lot of things I liked about this piece. The first being that it seemed to be heartfelt. Second, was the first part of the second verse. There was some good imagery and it was very personal which was great.

However, I will suggest a few things to you. One is that some of the things you wrote here border on cliche. I think that if you sit down and reflect upon your situation, you'll come up with an original way to express it. In my opinion, most of this piece had lines I'd already hear before. I think you continue with the same imagery you had going in your second verse. That stuff was good.

Also, as I was reading it, I interpreted the narrator as somebody who is a little bitter at their ex and still has feelings for them (the chorus seems to express this). However, your last verse seems to totally contradict this with the line "I'm so glad I got you off my mind". Unless I'm missing something, it seems like you went from still having feelings for him to having none. I would just suggest that you stay consistent with what you wanna express or if your narrator is going to change his/her stance on things (which is perfectly acceptable), then you must have some sort-of seg-way in order to lead the reader into this change instead of just abruptly dumping it on the reader at the last moment.

I hope some of this made sense. You have an amazing foundation here. Just a few tweaks and revisions and you should be well on your way.



Have to agree with this guy.
Although the inconsistancy with the last verse is fine, song seems like a journey, you start of with feelings for him and at the end it switches around. Completly understandable in my opinion, hell, I've been there a few times myself.
Not bad mate.

Definatly needs some fine tuning though. Like Subway said, I few lines are boardering on Cliche.

Quote by Karl Pilkington
Jellyfish are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."
#6
makes me think of a song that my ex would write... except it wouldn't involve her never forgetting me. haha

but anyways, this song has alot of feeling in it, which is great. even if it is a little inconsistent, it's still pretty good.
#7
I am going to assume that you're a first time or beginning writer? Well, I am not going to generally crit. the whole piece because it has pretty much been done already.

Heartfelt? Yes and this is no class or school and after that we can not grade or really do anything of that nature.

When I first began to write (age 15-16 now I'm 19) I had a lot of pieces that were like yours. It was just blatant anger, hate, and raw emotion. I was not telling any sort of story or really making any sense. To be honest, if someone gave me a negative crit. I would even almost get annoyed/angered at that poster.... not anymore of course.

You do have the beginning pieces of talent. The ideas of imagery, song structure, and telling a story are in place. Eventually, you'll begin the steps of creating solid songs and so forth. Keep on working and think about some revisions for this piece. Give the relationship some time and you'll write a much better piece in 2-3 weeks from now.

Good Luck!
#8
I enjoyed reading these lyrics. I'm a particular fan of love or emotionally-based songs so it thrilled me especially. I could feel the emotion pouring out from your words, and it actually made me shiver a little bit from the power. A tad cliche, perhaps, but otherwise I really love it. If you ever record it, be sure to let me know because I'd love to hear it.

As for rewriting the entire chorus as Ganoosh suggested, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. The chorus was actually my favorite part of the song, and a chorus doesn't always have to be cachy. Actually, and this might just be an opinion that isn't shared by others at all, I think choruses are better when they aren't catchy, because then you don't have a lot of prep wannabes trying to sing your songs all the time (which annoys me, honestly haha).

But all-in-all, very good job with the lyrics. =D
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