#1
You said you wanted to send your piano plunging to the street
below your twenty sixth floor window.


just to hear it twang and bang and crash and spill one last twinkle
of dashed splinters of ivory across the dead dull concrete.
What’s your problem with the piano?
is it because you've pounded your fingers flat and scorched your knuckles
and the bastard STILL wont stop wailing?
you have to tell it to stop crying if you want it to love you back
and clear out blue and green and black and let a little light in.
one last clanging cacophony then curtains, is no way to handle circumstances seemingly beyond your control.
it wont be the sound you're looking for
and pavement doesnt resonate very well,
so sit up, and smile
and just keep punching it in the teeth
and you never know, one day it might start smiling back.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#2
loose but nice
Strange, It seems like a character mutation, Though I have all the means, of bringing you fuckers down, I can't make myself, To destroy upon command, Somehow forgiveness, lets the evil make a loss - Danger Mouse/Sparklehorse/Wayne Coyne
#3
Quote by FunkasPuck
You said you wanted to send your piano plunging to the street
below your twenty sixth floor window.



What's with the big space?



just to hear it twang and bang and crash and spill one last twinkle
of dashed splinters of ivory across the dead dull concrete.
What’s your problem with the piano? - It would be better if you didn't remind us again that it's a piano; we already know.
is it because you've pounded your fingers flat and scorched your knuckles
and the bastard STILL wont stop wailing?
you have to tell it to stop crying if you want it to love you back
and clear out blue and green and black and let a little light in. - I don't like this line. I had to read it a couple times and it still doesn't entirely make sense.
one last clanging cacophony then curtains, is no way to handle circumstances - When you just jump straight to "then curtains", it's kind of a big leap out of nowhere.seemingly beyond your control.
it wont be the sound you're looking for
and pavement doesnt resonate very well,
so sit up, and smile
and just keep punching it in the teeth
and you never know, one day it might start smiling back.


I thought this was a good idea, and overall was pretty good. Just a few minor changes and it will be pretty sound. I'm not sure what's going on with the giant space, if its supposed to represent the however-many-stories window or what, but it seems unnecessary. At the very least, make the space a little smaller.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
The element that works best for you is how unusual your pieces are, constructed as well as conceptualised.

I really think that a writer can produce the ugliest, weirdest, difficult to read, over complexed material, but as long as it's interesting, he'll get me as a reader. And I think you have that quality.

That first line tells the entire story, but the bulk of the piece is the expansion. It feels like a dictionary definition of the first line, like you are telling us what life is and how to read between the lines of the obvious.

I love it.
This is not a pipe
#5
I really did feel this piece in a personal level; this felt very memior like and honestly I truly did love the writing. I also loved, which I hardly ever say, the way you presented the piece. Very emotive but yet it was intricate and quite precise. Those first two lines were a knock-out, top notch there.

Keep it up.
#6
I agree with Carmel that it felt like oyu caputred the whole story in two lines, then expanded on the theme, but I loved every line of this. Actually, favourite line: "What’s your problem with the piano?" I don't know why, but that line got me. THis whole piece got me to be honest.
#7
after the first line when you left the space, I understand what you were doing (although it seems Ganoosh does not). It was a visual trick to make you look down from the window to the pavement as if you were actually seeing it happen. I really loved that, although the topic itself doesn't float my boat. but hey, that's not what I'm supposed to be critiquing.
#8
Quote by canvasDude
after the first line when you left the space, I understand what you were doing (although it seems Ganoosh does not). It was a visual trick to make you look down from the window to the pavement as if you were actually seeing it happen. I really loved that, although the topic itself doesn't float my boat. but hey, that's not what I'm supposed to be critiquing.



Was that really necessary?
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
about as necessary and getting my hopes up for more comments then delivering spam, or as necessary as criticising empty lines. theres a forest behind the trees.

yeah, it was a visual thing. falling then a cluster**** of onomatopeias. the bigger the gap, the greater velocity of your dropping eyes, or that was the idea at least. i like a nice bit of formatting, but i never try it so i thought i would have a crack at some in this piece.

thanks for the comments people. i shall get back swiftly. my crit debt is looking pretty bad...
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Jul 20, 2009,
#10
I like the mental picture this creates, i realize its kinda free but if you could somehow get the same message across and imagery AND somehow manage to throw in a few rhymes it would be great ha...i mean who doesnt like a good rhyme?

Crit my songs? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166006
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#11
Quote by FunkasPuck
You said you wanted to send your piano plunging to the street
below your twenty sixth floor window.


just to hear it twang and bang and crash and spill one last twinkle <---I like the image of a spilling twinkle. If I had my way, I would have all twinkly bits spill in real life.
of dashed splinters of ivory across the dead dull concrete. <--this image is odd to my eyes, I would imagine the surface of the dead dull concrete to be livened by all the broken tiny bits of twangy piano, instead the way you worded it made me feel that the surface still remained dead and dull even after the piano crash.
What’s your problem with the piano? I strangely found this line very humorous. I say keep it.
is it because you've pounded your fingers flat and scorched your knuckles
and the bastard STILL wont stop wailing?<---this is so funny. It's ironic that the more you pound, the more the piano wails and makes sound.
you have to tell it to stop crying if you want it to love you back
and clear out blue and green and black and let a little light in. eh, references to synesthesia, I suppose? I like this.
one last clanging cacophony then curtains, is no way to handle circumstances seemingly beyond your control.
it wont be the sound you're looking for
and pavement doesnt resonate very well,
so sit up, and smile
and just keep punching it in the teeth
and you never know, one day it might start smiling back.<--beautiful. It reminded me of hopelessly noodling around on my guitar, hoping that some tune will come out



This is very interesting, and the more I immerse my mind in it's tastiness the better it becomes.


I have a piece, I grew old underneath your gaze, if you'd like to comment on it.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Jul 21, 2009,
#12
cheers danny, you hit the nail on the head there pretty much.
the silence after the piano dies, the synethstaesia and all the mindless noodling that might one day turn into a happy song you can enjoy.

thanks for commenting, i'll get back to you asap.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------