#1
Heya
This is my new set of lyrics that I've written
I'm intending them for a metal song, and I'd like to hear some critisicm for this piece

explanation for thread title:
I couldn't think of an appropriate title for this piece
so I just wrote where I got my inspiration to write this from
(little note) I attempted to globalize idea of personal conflict between those that lead us

anyway enough babble
enjoy!

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To see all the world fall behind you
At only the sight of contention
Is not an encounter that
Leaves you broken and senseless
For you've seen this before
The witness the judge and the jury
All turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony

Know not when it ends
You hear deathly voices bordering
The way your era is led
The way your fate shall end

Wait only next morning
When the dawn heeds an unknown road
The path in the wake shines
Though the blood was spilt before
But you can taste the spite
That lingers in loathing contempt
Just turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony

Consume your grievance
For nothing can stop this
Especially you
Who believes the deceit of the named

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there we go!
im prepared to C4C
id just like to get an idea of where I can improve this

CHEERS!
#2
Quote by crisisinheaven

To see all the world fall behind you
At only the sight of contention
Is not an encounter that
Leaves you broken and senseless
For you've seen this before
The witness the judge and the jury
All turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
I like this opening
Know not when it ends
You hear deathly voices bordering
The way your era is led
The way your fate shall end
I would change the last line
Wait only next morning
When the dawn heeds an unknown road
The path in the wake shines
Though the blood was spilt before
But you can taste the spite
That lingers in loathing contempt
Just turn away and let the pride
Be salvaged from false harmony
Change the fifth line, it doesn't flow
Consume your grievance
For nothing can stop this
Especially you
Who believes the deceit of the named
I thought this ending was kind of weak.I would change all of it but the last line on this


CHEERS!


Overall I liked this but think about writing a new last verse for it.It'd be appreciated if you critique mine.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1163982
#3
To be honest, I'm not in any form of a critique mood. Just came home from work and I would like to relax a bit.
I will get to this sooner or later.
Just if I forced out a critique now there would be little feedback on this that would be constructive.

I plan to get to this before the end of the night.
Until I replace this with a crit, it acts as a bump.
Enjoy it.
Promises meant a lot back then.