#1
i pace around
in my cluttered room
waiting for the doorbell

ring

butterflies

trying to escape
the empty hole
in my my chest
as I open the door
and glance at the sky
so sullenly

the sunset

what colors

they say
in the heart of the inferno
where the bombs
tear through the air
and plow into the earth
are the most beautiful hues
but they can only be truly
enjoyed by the people watching
from Houston...
as I sit in the cabin

waiting

as i gaze upon the stars
and the vast emptiness
that divides us

and as the fuselage
disintegrates in a silent
wisp of the gaseous accelerants
I know that I have
crossed this ethereal realm


"hey, should we get going?"

"sure, just let me get the keys"


only to fall back down to earth
Last edited by canvasDude at Jul 21, 2009,
#2
Sounds like the typical 14 year old attempts to sound dark
Quote by LivinJoke84
I cant be naked. I have a huge fear of leaving a stain wherever i sit. Especially if its really warm
#3
Quote by Phazon
Sounds like the typical 14 year old attempts to sound dark


Unfortunately, I can totally see where you're coming from. Even more unfortunate, I am soon to turn 15! Anyways, I appreciate the criticism. But, I would like you to know that this is actually based on some serious **** that's being going down in my life. Not just typical 14/15 year old bull****. I mean family members dying in my arms, going from straight A's to F's in a matter of weeks, and a whole lot of more personal matters that I wouldn't find appropriate to share on such a public forum (at least not in any non-poetic form). Sorry if I come off as a poser or anything.
#4
hey i thought it was good dude, i know where your coming from.

good choice of words too.
#5
I actually quite liked this. The lines

"and as the fuselage
disintegrates in a silent
wisp of the gaseous accelerants
I know that I have
crossed this ethereal realm"

are some of my favorites.

however I think that all the disjointed/stand alone phrases strewn about here and there disturbs the flow poem, like the ones in the quotations marks (which bring to mind one-liners from a bad movie). "ring, butterflies" doesn't really mean anything. You should make words work with each other, intead of present them standing alone. You could expand whatever you were trying to say with those two words into a full-fledged idea, for example.

I think you could write something good if you wrote a whole poem like the part I quoted above.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#6
Quote by Laces Out Danny
I actually quite liked this. The lines

"and as the fuselage
disintegrates in a silent
wisp of the gaseous accelerants
I know that I have
crossed this ethereal realm"

are some of my favorites.

however I think that all the disjointed/stand alone phrases strewn about here and there disturbs the flow poem, like the ones in the quotations marks (which bring to mind one-liners from a bad movie). "ring, butterflies" doesn't really mean anything. You should make words work with each other, intead of present them standing alone. You could expand whatever you were trying to say with those two words into a full-fledged idea, for example.

I think you could write something good if you wrote a whole poem like the part I quoted above.


Thanks, The reason some of the words are standing alone is because I did this as stream of consciousness. I just wrote what I felt and spaced it how it came to me. For example, with ring and butterflies I am first penning my feelings then the doorbell rings. I wanted it to seem intrusive and distracting. But with butterflies I just wanted to emphasize the pause I would take if reading it aloud. I think I will take your advice and do another stream of consciousness poem like the stanza you enjoyed. The main goals here were to create powerful imagery like what I felt and saw in my mind and for the reader to relate to the peace. If you have any work you would like me to crit I would be more than happy to.
#7
Your dictation over the English language is very strong and honest, but the structure and formula seems distant and uncontrolled. And I see no need for it. It feels too free-form to really cerebrate with it.

I feel you need to work on pacing.

"they say
in the heart of the inferno
where the bombs
tear through the air
and plow into the earth
are the most beautiful hues
but they can only be truly
enjoyed by the people watching
from Houston
as I sit in the cabin"


- this just seemed like one giant sentence that rang out for too long. Sometimes a punchy earthquake can catch the reader off-guard and drag him/her in.

A solid read.
#8
The writing itself I liked but I think you should push for something more.
Or expressing things in a new way.

Cause that whole darkness thing has been done to death.
Quote by LivinJoke84
I cant be naked. I have a huge fear of leaving a stain wherever i sit. Especially if its really warm
#9
Quote by Phazon
The writing itself I liked but I think you should push for something more.
Or expressing things in a new way.

Cause that whole darkness thing has been done to death.


I agree, it's been done way too much. But that's not what I was going for. I was going for more of a an anxious, almost hopeless kind of feel. I suppose I'll sum it up like this:

Your world is shattering around you and you are trying to pick up all the pieces, yet you haven't realized that the window you just broke is double paned.

I don't know if that would be dark per say, but I'm not trying to be apocalyptic or suicidal. Just hopeless and self destructing (oh, great. and apparently contradicting too). Whatever, I don't really know what I'm talking about anymore
#10
Hahah Well the worst you can do is choose to dwell in your own sadness so..
Look on the bright side?
Quote by LivinJoke84
I cant be naked. I have a huge fear of leaving a stain wherever i sit. Especially if its really warm
#11
Quote by Phazon
Hahah Well the worst you can do is choose to dwell in your own sadness so..
Look on the bright side?


lol, I am not depressed or anything. I mean sure, I was sad about it. But, let's just say I figured out I could just buy a new ****ing window. I am thinking about writing a song about sunrise instead of sunset. I love using imagery like outer space and auroras to convey feeling. I think nature is the ultimate poem.
#12
Quote by canvasDude
Unfortunately, I can totally see where you're coming from. Even more unfortunate, I am soon to turn 15! Anyways, I appreciate the criticism. But, I would like you to know that this is actually based on some serious **** that's being going down in my life. Not just typical 14/15 year old bull****. I mean family members dying in my arms, going from straight A's to F's in a matter of weeks, and a whole lot of more personal matters that I wouldn't find appropriate to share on such a public forum (at least not in any non-poetic form). Sorry if I come off as a poser or anything.

Dude, thats awesome that you can take all that S*** from you're life and just turn it into something like this! i mean you could be doin worse things to cope with all that. keep up the good work bro

Crit my songs? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166006
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████
#13
Quote by canvasDude
Thanks, The reason some of the words are standing alone is because I did this as stream of consciousness. I just wrote what I felt and spaced it how it came to me. For example, with ring and butterflies I am first penning my feelings then the doorbell rings. I wanted it to seem intrusive and distracting. But with butterflies I just wanted to emphasize the pause I would take if reading it aloud. I think I will take your advice and do another stream of consciousness poem like the stanza you enjoyed. The main goals here were to create powerful imagery like what I felt and saw in my mind and for the reader to relate to the peace. If you have any work you would like me to crit I would be more than happy to.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166300

Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#14
I liked this. I mean yeah, it was a little rough around the edges at some points, specifically with structure as has been mentioned, but all-in-all I thought it was good. Keep writing, I'd be interested in seeing you develop your skills more.

#15
I was going to crit this piece in return, but I feel everything that needs to be said, has been. So send me a PM when you've posted a new piece, and I'll jump myself onto it.
#16
When read, it doesn't have much flow or rhythm to it, which I dislike. But I love what you've written, and the words you've used, especially:

trying to escape
the empty hole
in my my chest
as I open the door
and glance at the sky
so sullenly

the sunset

what colors


Really well written

Also is the verse after the one I quoted supposed to be about bombings in the war? If so, well done.


I would like if someone could take a look at the one in my sig (it's my first)
#17
Quote by 1nSingularity

Also is the verse after the one I quoted supposed to be about bombings in the war? If so, well done.


No, in fact it this entire poem was written in metaphors (a bit like loser by beck). That stanza basically says that when everything is crashing down around you, you can truly appreciate the beauties in life. The second half of the stanza meant that the people around you appreciate the fact that they're not going through what you are. The bombs represented the you're life falling apart, and the hues meant 2 things. 1) the beauties of life 2) the hues of the fire as you crash and burn (metaphorically of course).

Thanks for the crit everybody, I shall try and crit your pieces asap.
#18
Damn! C'mon, tell us you are really 40 not 14. Wish I could write like that at your age, hell, wish I could now!

What i'm trying to say is that I think it is a very strong piece. Your metaphors are great, maybe need a little expansion, but i think they work well and really hit home. And i actually really liked the stand alone words, breaking the flow where necessary made it seem even more powerful!

Hope things get better for you mate, but whatever happens, don't stop writing. You seem like one of the most level headed 14 year olds i've ever 'met', so if nothing else you can take that as a positive from your life experiences, you seem to be very strong!

Even your posts explaining your writing are a great read! Seriously, Nature is the ultimate poem, I mean c'mon, start a poem using that!! If you don't I will!
#19
Quote by Vazzza
Damn! C'mon, tell us you are really 40 not 14. Wish I could write like that at your age, hell, wish I could now!

What i'm trying to say is that I think it is a very strong piece. Your metaphors are great, maybe need a little expansion, but i think they work well and really hit home. And i actually really liked the stand alone words, breaking the flow where necessary made it seem even more powerful!

Hope things get better for you mate, but whatever happens, don't stop writing. You seem like one of the most level headed 14 year olds i've ever 'met', so if nothing else you can take that as a positive from your life experiences, you seem to be very strong!

Even your posts explaining your writing are a great read! Seriously, Nature is the ultimate poem, I mean c'mon, start a poem using that!! If you don't I will!


That's the most amazing feedback I've ever gotten. I knew I wasn't the only one who understood the stand alones! Btw, I have a stanza I wrote that won't hold meaning to me for a very long time. You can have it if you want.

You linger on
My every breath
You make me want to
Breathe to death
You're like pot
You burn so hot
Baby you're my
Crystal meth
#20
Hi there.

Firstly, I felt the piece primarily lacked execution; that you didn't know what you wanted to do before you went ahead and did it. While this is a working technique to spill ideas with, it doesn't really give you want you want in terms of a finished piece. What I mean is, you had some jewels for ideas here, but instead of turning them into this marvelous network of prisms, you just strung them on some thread and called it a necklace. This is an overall criticism for the piece.

You also, seemingly, have a major contradiction. It seemed as though you tried to convey that the speaker had been taken by nervousness/anxiety/preparation into meeting someone, yes? Ring, butterflies. You then proceed to launch into this imagery of launching into space, seeing celestial objects, so on and so forth, which only augment my previous thoughts. Daydreaming, perhaps. However, previous to this, he looks sullenly at the sky-- does this not violate everything you, as the author, are trying to show the reader? I see two paths: one, he wants to escape this event; two, he is elated by it. It feels like you show the reader both, but pick the latter. It really detracted from the piece for me.

There were some bright sides as well: you have a better command of conveying meaning through imagery than most amateur writers. Some of them are really good too. The Houston lines are extremely clever. I also enjoyed the tying of the feel of the writing to the ideas of leaving Earth, and the falling back down to it by the end (although I wish it could have hooked me enough to believe this).

Structurally, I think this piece in particular could use some revision with punctuation and line breaks, but not too much so. I think it's very close to where it should be in this regard already. I'm not too fond of your shaky one-liners: "the sunset / what colors" and "waiting," although I think the "ring / butterflies" works.

That's it, I think. Thanks for posting--
Bye!
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#21
Quote by culex-knight
Hi there.

Firstly, I felt the piece primarily lacked execution; that you didn't know what you wanted to do before you went ahead and did it. While this is a working technique to spill ideas with, it doesn't really give you want you want in terms of a finished piece. What I mean is, you had some jewels for ideas here, but instead of turning them into this marvelous network of prisms, you just strung them on some thread and called it a necklace. This is an overall criticism for the piece.

You also, seemingly, have a major contradiction. It seemed as though you tried to convey that the speaker had been taken by nervousness/anxiety/preparation into meeting someone, yes? Ring, butterflies. You then proceed to launch into this imagery of launching into space, seeing celestial objects, so on and so forth, which only augment my previous thoughts. Daydreaming, perhaps. However, previous to this, he looks sullenly at the sky-- does this not violate everything you, as the author, are trying to show the reader? I see two paths: one, he wants to escape this event; two, he is elated by it. It feels like you show the reader both, but pick the latter. It really detracted from the piece for me.

There were some bright sides as well: you have a better command of conveying meaning through imagery than most amateur writers. Some of them are really good too. The Houston lines are extremely clever. I also enjoyed the tying of the feel of the writing to the ideas of leaving Earth, and the falling back down to it by the end (although I wish it could have hooked me enough to believe this).

Structurally, I think this piece in particular could use some revision with punctuation and line breaks, but not too much so. I think it's very close to where it should be in this regard already. I'm not too fond of your shaky one-liners: "the sunset / what colors" and "waiting," although I think the "ring / butterflies" works.

That's it, I think. Thanks for posting--
Bye!


Thanks for the crit, but if you read the other posts of this thread you will uncover this poem's true meaning. As for meeting someone, it was also a metaphor. I won't go ahead and explain any further, that is up to the reader.
#22
I for one see no semblance to the stereotypical "dark" 14-year-old in your writing. It was effective and not too long for its subject matter, even if the phrasings were a bit verbose. Thumbs up.
#23
I didn't critique on content, nor did I read any of the other comments.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#24
Quote by culex-knight
I didn't critique on content, nor did I read any of the other comments.


Quote by culex-knight
Hi there.

Firstly, I felt the piece primarily lacked execution; that you didn't know what you wanted to do before you went ahead and did it. While this is a working technique to spill ideas with, it doesn't really give you want you want in terms of a finished piece. What I mean is, you had some jewels for ideas here, but instead of turning them into this marvelous network of prisms, you just strung them on some thread and called it a necklace. This is an overall criticism for the piece.

You also, seemingly, have a major contradiction. It seemed as though you tried to convey that the speaker had been taken by nervousness/anxiety/preparation into meeting someone, yes? Ring, butterflies. You then proceed to launch into this imagery of launching into space, seeing celestial objects, so on and so forth, which only augment my previous thoughts. Daydreaming, perhaps. However, previous to this, he looks sullenly at the sky-- does this not violate everything you, as the author, are trying to show the reader? I see two paths: one, he wants to escape this event; two, he is elated by it. It feels like you show the reader both, but pick the latter. It really detracted from the piece for me.

There were some bright sides as well: you have a better command of conveying meaning through imagery than most amateur writers. Some of them are really good too. The Houston lines are extremely clever. I also enjoyed the tying of the feel of the writing to the ideas of leaving Earth, and the falling back down to it by the end (although I wish it could have hooked me enough to believe this).

Structurally, I think this piece in particular could use some revision with punctuation and line breaks, but not too much so. I think it's very close to where it should be in this regard already. I'm not too fond of your shaky one-liners: "the sunset / what colors" and "waiting," although I think the "ring / butterflies" works.

That's it, I think. Thanks for posting--
Bye!


I do believe you did though, lol. It's ok. I am thrilled that I have 22 posts on my second (the first got none, but it really blowed. just ABAB) piece!
#25
Seemed.

"...perhaps."

For someone so clever with metaphors I think you'd know how to read. So, no, I didn't.

Bolding the last two things shows me nothing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#26
Quote by culex-knight
Seemed.

"...perhaps."

For someone so clever with metaphors I think you'd know how to read. So, no, I didn't.

Bolding the last two things shows me nothing.


It doesn't matter if you're using metaphors, you're still discussing the content. Also, after the first couple bolded sentences you don't use metaphors and adress the content directly. But who really cares, I have gotten plenty of crit on this piece and am very satisfied.
#27
No, I don't. If you can't see it, I'm not a miracle worker.

You'll enjoy threads with a mere 4 replies soon enough.

マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#28
Quote by culex-knight
No, I don't. If you can't see it, I'm not a miracle worker.

You'll enjoy threads with a mere 4 replies soon enough.



Someone's been taking it up the arse today, lol. After rereading your post I realize that for the most part you were right. But the real question is why you didn't just crit me on my piece directly. Why use metaphors, similes, etc? I guess I'm just missing something.