#1
I wrote this peom after I read a poem by my english teacher.
He kept twisting the sentences so that they would rhymn. For instance: instead of "he ran to the store" he would put "to the store he ran", so that is would rhymn with the next line. This is correct, but sounds weird.
So I wrote a peom.
I hope he doesn't read this, 'cause I didn't tell him that it was about his peom. But he loved it.

Like Yoda speak

Like Yoda speak, the point what is?
To be some Star Wars Jedi wiz?
My nouns to put before the verb?
Confuse all that by me are heard?

To criticize the style I will,
They use it only space to fill.
Their rhymes examples I must make,
And from this you must warning take.

I others to this light must wake,
And to their inmost cores they’ll shake
And shivers down their backs they’ll catch
Like fingers down a board that scratch.

Oh, what an art form we have lost!
What happened to old Robert Frost?
With snowy wood, and longish road…
Back then each word would bear a load.

So when you write a poem or song,
Just put the words where they belong!
‘Cuz if you don’t, you’re wasting time,
Just twisting sentences to rhyme!
#3
That. Was. Amazing. It's funny, and completely true.

Although, instead of "Jedi wiz", it should be spelled "Jedi whizz" unless you meant it as an abbreviation for wizard.
#5
I think this would read more mysteriously and more eclectically - which is what you were aiming for, I assume - if you removed the directory at the beginning.

Like Yoda speak

Like Yoda speak, the point what is?
To be some Star Wars Jedi wiz?
My nouns to put before the verb?
Confuse all that by me are heard?
The problem I've instantly recognized with this piece is your failure to stick to a certain pattern. That pattern being incorrect, Yoda-like grammar. Because of that, it's, unfortunately, hard to take seriously.
And I do realise that taking this seriously seems to be in opposition to the repeating point of this, but to me, this would of been a good piece if you actually had a seriousness to it. A more cynical, cryptic point. All you are basically saying is, humans have lost their ability to communicate in a "Robert Frost" fashion, which is totally incorrect anyway. Just because humanity has a tendency to use quik n sily wrds wen dey r txtin, it doesnt mean al of use r brainded morons who cnnot tlk proprly.
I will further that point later on.


To criticize the style I will,
They use it only space to fill.
Their rhymes examples I must make,
And from this you must warning take.

I others to this light must wake,
And to their inmost cores they’ll shake
And shivers down their backs they’ll catch
Like fingers down a board that scratch.
There is very little for me to say here really. Because of the uncoordinated nonsense I can't take anything seriously, so all the clichés seem fitting, and I feel no need to point them out, when doing so would only be contradictory and showy.

Oh, what an art form we have lost!
What happened to old Robert Frost?
With snowy wood, and longish road…
Back then each word would bear a load.
I quite like the way you then transferred back to classic writing. I was actually surprised. It reinvigorated the piece.

So when you write a poem or song,
Just put the words where they belong!
‘Cuz if you don’t, you’re wasting time,
Just twisting sentences to rhyme!
This is odd: why did you say "cuz'" - which is not a word - yet use exclamation marks to announce that we all should write properly again?
Now, the piece, for me, is stuck between being good and being bad: on one side you have a madness that is uncoordinated and unplanned, that feels like a random idea spurted out, as it seemed 'intellectual' and 'clever' at the time - it must be because your teacher used it. If this oddness and humorous peculiarity was more controlled and more subsidized, I would be able to dig deeper into the words and the meaning. And this last verse is the only thing that is keeping it from falling away.
Then on the other side, you have this clever, really dark and poignant honesty that is basically saying, "I cannot write. I don't pretend to be good at English, I just wish I was good at it. But all I am, and all most people, are Yodas writing their shopping lists with light sabres in some form of ridiculous form English on supermarket receipts'.
To be quite honest, and I mean no offence by this, I'm thinking that what I just pointed out was a pure fluke and you did not mean for it to happen. That this was just a silly thought that has no real meaning or presence. It's basically just Yoda dialogue. And they have useless script writers for that.
#6
I appreciate the advice.
I was attempting to make the poem funny, not that I don't think that what I'm saying is important, but humor and windsomness are good ways to get sa point across.
I do not mean to act as if I know better than others, my sister is always correcting my grammer.
In the last stanza, the 'cuz could be replaced with a "for" to sound formal, but it would be too awkard.
THanx. This was my first post ever, and I'm still learning the ropes.
#7
Humour is a good way to get a point across, yes, but it's very difficult to do.
I really don't mean to patronize, but I was told the same thing: work with what you know works.
I had at one point written numerous silly anecdote poem/things that no one liked or understood. And I failed to grasp why they were so misunderstood. Didn't anyone see the humour... that I was making a point?
I still don't the specifics as to why they said it, each individual case is different from the next anyway. But my point is, try and work with simple, evocative imagery, instead of trying to be witty. It's great fun, but for most, it takes a long time to properly develop.

#9
I think for what you were trying to accomplish it was quite good and humourous. After the extensive critique that AngryGoldfish has given you, there's nothing more that I can imagine needs to be said. Thanks for your crit