#1
I'm spinning.
Clockwise.
No. Counter clockwise.
Maybe I'm not spinning at all.
Or maybe it's just my head,
and my body lies motionless.
After all, after being decapitated,
you are conscious for 8 seconds.
God dammit, am I alive or not?
Maybe not.
Hopefully not.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
Wow, I really enjoyed this. Whenever I read lyrics or poetry, or really anything with words I automatically assign a beat and melody, which was really simple with this. The words really flow nicely. It was not too wordy, but explained everything you needed to get the feeling across. It doesn't explain the actual situation, just the thoughts surrounding it, but I believe that is what you were going for.

The only real criticism I can give is the "After all, after being" line feels disjointed for some reason. If there was more to it then maybe I could give more crit, but its only that little segment (I realize its OTS :P)

Thanks for sharing.
Composer of Scores for Film/Video Games/TV/and More!
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#3
Thanks for the crit. I know this is irrelevant, but I have always wanted to go to downtown atlanta(not far away) and sit on a bench with my acoustic and street perform. Your sig just makes me want to do it more.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
This was pretty badass. I agree with ReChord; it does have a very nice flow. What does OTS mean?
#5
On The Spot.

Which means that I quite literally typed it up as I was posting it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
I'm spinning.
Clockwise.
No. Counter clockwise.
This is great. Instantly you've set up a strong, yet divided, image, situation and emotion.
Maybe I'm not spinning at all.
But this then reverts to a teenager-ish, angsty-type, I'm questioning everything because everything is wrong and confusing-type thing. It doesn't seem necessary to my eyes.
Or maybe it's just my head,
and my body lies motionless.
After all, after being decapitated,
you are conscious for 8 seconds.
This is a decent change of voice. Adding the humour obstructed this from becoming chidish and slightly dishonest sounding.
God dammit, am I alive or not?
Good.
Maybe not.
Hopefully not.
#7
I agree with AngryGoldfish. You use two different tones, and I like the non-teenage voice. Then again, maybe it's another level of being confused. I like all the abrupt sentences, they really add to the fealing.
I really liked it over all.
#8
You're telling. (We're all guilty of this at times.)
Try showing.

Also, I felt that there was too much punctuation.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#10
Thanks for the crits. Much appreciated.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#11
ha man this is so short and to the point, yet confusing all at once...i love it!
especially the whole 8 second thing lol, its great!

Crit my songs? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166006
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#12
Wow. Just wow.

Loved every minute of it.


I would appreciate if someone took a look at my song in my sig