#1
i've been watching myself turning into
something i'm not ready to understand yet;
it's like falling backwards out into thin air
and finding yourself floating.
There's a
stream
that i'm becoming part of,
a
shift
into something more
or less what i've been looking for.
i've searched behind walls and
through page after page of
transcribe hearts, worn on
beggar's sleeve and dead man's eyes.

i'm painting a portrait with an empty brush
and a used canvas, finding those lines
holding it all together and making them
beautiful.
beautiful like you.
i'm writing again;
only to hold onto this rung
like it's the last great truth i'll ever write.

so i'm spreading myself before
whatever is coming and screaming.
screaming until every fibre of my being
is united
until i can finally see the stars,
for what they truely hide.
a map to that last great answer.
i'm falling on my knees and letting
my body melt away,
i'm giving up my mind to the essence.
you won't be seeing me the same way again.
i won't be seeing you at all.

i'm waking up to the last sunset;
it's beautiful.
Last edited by kdownes at Jul 23, 2009,
#3
i feel the same way until the fourth stanza, at which point the poem takes a different turn (at least from my interpretation). I also feel that you phrase things too bluntly and without enough metaphor to suggest deeper meaning and allow the reader to try dissect and interpret your wonderful poem. But, the metaphors you did use worked fantastically in my opinion. The only other issue is the lack of imagery. In order to evoke the most out of your reader you must create strong imagery (that's not always the case, but it is IMO in this case).

Btw, if you could take a look at the piece in my sig I would really appreciate it.
#5
I like this, very much.

There's something between the words that suggests a letting go, like the freedom of a car careening off a cliff. Or giving up all your life savings for this one last business venture.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#6
I haven't read anything from you in weeks, but this was really grown up and touching. I still think you are trying to create too much of a linkage in your pictures with line breaks, though, but that's kind of a subjective penchant that you need not worry about – unless you cherish my thougths.
Also, the capitalized segment felt too childish and distant from the slow and tender voice that was generally well kept throughout. I feel it would work just as well in standard, lower-case English.

I thought the opening was really sweet and honest, but the following metaphor was a bit of a let down. You really needed something spectacular and peculiar. It wasn't bad, just a little generic.
That's what I feel still lacks in your writing. It tells me you've read too many opposing styles of poetry/prose/novels/etc. and it's tarnished you into someone who seems stuck inside a bubble, someone who isn't Kyle. The fact that you often write in a very cynical and darkly humorous way also lets me know you tend to pen whatever you are reading at that particular time, as it contrasts totally with this.
There is nothing wrong with being able to create different forms of writing, but when you're aware that there is a difference in styles, and not just a merging image, you start to feel it wasn't sincere.
Technically, there is nothing wrong with that, but for me, it doesn't allow you as a human to really come out.
This was one of the few instances where I saw something more honest and more "you".

The "brush" and "canvas" idea was also a little sterile and overused.

What I can really get from this is exactly what I just said. You've written in a way that doesn't feel like you, reiterating the point at the beginning, the two most important, and best lines in the piece.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 20, 2009,
#7
I was a little confused by all of the line breaks, but some of the images were quite vivid.
I enjoy all the metaphores.
Good poem.
#10
ok, ok, title sucks then, i get it

So how 'bout some ideas for a title change then, ladies?
#11
I actually quite like the title. Keep it if you like it.

I think this is a great piece of work. I just think that on the 3rd and 4th lines, which say:

it's like falling backwards out into thin air
and finding yourself floating.


You should change it from a simile into a metaphor, something like

I'm falling backwards out into thin air
and finding myself floating.


Otherwise, great job.

EDIT: What's with everyone hating on the title? The title's great, there's nothing wrong with it.
Last edited by 1nSingularity at Jul 21, 2009,
#12
The vibe I got from this piece reminded me slightly of the song "This Song's Got No Title" by Elton John for the simple reason that both deal with the idea of self-discovery/self-realization/seeing how the surrounding world impacts us in a different light. What's different from those lyrics and your piece is that your narrator, I feel, is much more dynamic in here. I felt this gradual shift in tone with the narrator, growing from uncertainty and anxiety about he/she is becoming to confidence (most notably seen in the "Take Me You F**kers!" line). It was very subtle; so subtle, in fact, that I didn't notice it before. I think that's one of the many redeeming qualities of this piece.

There were a few times when the metaphors and images didn't ring as true and weren't as powerful as I wished they would be. There were some lines that you set up for a profound metaphorical statement, only to sort of let me down (not because the metaphor was necessarily bad, but it suffered in comparison with its preceding lines). The one that comes to mind that supports this would be the first lines. You say this extremely introspective line about watching yourself turn into something you aren't ready to understand. After reading this I was ready for a showstopping simile but couldn't help but feeling let down with the "falling into thin air" line. That simile could stand on it's own, it just can't stand proceeding that line, in my opinion.

Overall, I definitely enjoyed it. I think that there are layers to this piece and I'll be going back to try and uncover some (the "beggar's sleeve and dead man's eyes" seems to hold a lot of significance).

Also, I'd recommend listening to that Elton John song. I could be way off with that comparison.
here, My Dear, here it is
#13


i've been watching myself turning into I wasn't at all fond of the line break here. A continuos sentence would have been more beneficial here.
something i'm not ready to understand yet.
it's like falling backwards out into thin air
and finding yourself floating.
There's a
stream
that i'm becoming part of,
a
shift
into something more
or less what i've been looking for
i've looked behind walls and
through page after page of
transcribe hearts, worn on
beggar's sleeve and dead man's eyes.

Everything else, I enjoyed. This was a fantastic read.

i'm painting a portrait with an empty brush
and a used canvas, finding those lines
holding it all together and making them
beautiful.
beautiful like you.
i'm writing again;
only to hold onto this rung
like it's the last great truth i'll ever write.

Apart from that final line, this was quite redundant. The imagery felt tired; it didn't add to much. It dragged, to say the least.

so i'm spreading myself before
whatever is coming and screaming
"TAKE ME YOU FUCKER!"
screaming until every fibre of my being
is united
until i can finally see the stars,
for what they truely hide.
a map to that last great answer.
i'm falling on my knees and letting
my body melt away,
i'm giving up my mind to the essence.
you won't be seeing me the same way again.
i won't be seeing you at all.

Hmm, this was quite meh to me. This felt overly too generic and lost pesonality-which I believe is the major drive of this piece. I guess, to put things simply, I just didn't believe you, as a character.

i'm waking up to the last sunset;
it's beautiful.

This ending was awesome, but you lost almost all momentum that was so beautifully created from the first stanza before reaching here.

I did enjoy this piece but I felt that things could be extended, in terms of imagery and context.

Thank you for sharing.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 23, 2009,
#14
the last sunset

i've been watching myself turning into
something i'm not ready to understand yet.
[color="Red"]i'd change the full stop to a semi colon. otherwise the two short sentences just read rather awkwardly, for me anyway.[/COLOR]
it's like falling backwards out into thin air
and finding yourself floating.
There's a
stream
that i'm becoming part of,
a
[color="Red"]i don't really like the isolation of "a".[/COLOR]
shift
into something more
or less what i've been looking for.
i've looked behind walls and
[color="Red"]"looking" and "looked" so close to each other was pretty awkward too.[/COLOR]
through page after page of
transcribe hearts, worn on
beggar's sleeve and dead man's eyes.
[color="Red"]this last line was awesome.[/COLOR]

i'm painting a portrait with an empty brush
and a used canvas, finding those lines
holding it all together and making them
beautiful.
beautiful like you.
i'm writing again;
only to hold onto this rung
like it's the last great truth i'll ever write.
[color="Red"]"empty brush" was a bit ehhh... but the rest of it was generally alright. the beautiful part was nice, but i felt that everything after it didn't really add much, you know? it was just 'there'.[/COLOR]

so i'm spreading myself before
whatever is coming and screaming
"TAKE ME YOU F[b][i][/b][/i]UCKER!"
[color="Red"]i didn't like this line... it didn't feel angry at all, it felt silly. i'd change it to something else. [/COLOR]
screaming until every fibre of my being
is united
until i can finally see the stars,
for what they truely hide.
[color="Red"]it's truly* i believe. i liked this part and what follow the most, probably.[/COLOR]
a map to that last great answer.
[color="Red"]"last great answer" sounds like something out of a dragonforce song.[/COLOR]
i'm falling on my knees and letting
my body melt away,
i'm giving up my mind to the essence.
you won't be seeing me the same way again.
i won't be seeing you at all.

i'm waking up to the last sunset;
it's beautiful.
[color="Red"]i've been a little harsh, sorry; it's not as bad as i might have made it sound, i enjoyed parts of it a lot. but i think it still needs some work.[/COLOR]


hope it helps.
#15
'you won't be seeing me the same way again.
i won't be seeing you at all.'

holy****omgpowerful.
really good stuff.

i can't really provide any criticism, you got rid of the title, that's the only thing that initially bothered me.
for a new title, you can always leave it untitled. or you can look at other lines,
do something like,

You won't be seeing me
or
empty brush

i dunno.
this one is for you.