#1
This song is quite slow and folky. I have'nt finished it yet, still working on another verse and a bridge.

Yesterday I saw a friendly ghost
Smiled at me as it slipped insode my throat
Had a conversation with my lungs
But then left me while I was still young

I don't know why, but you're not within me
I don't know why, but you're not within me

In the morning there's a hole inside my head
Left me bleeding pools of red
Crawled inside and whispered to my brain
Wiped away every last stain

I don't know why, but you're not within me
I don't know why, but you're not within me
#2
Hmm, I like this.
I can't find anything at fault in the first verse, but it leaves me wondering about quite what you're getting at.
Same for the chorus, except I'm not sure about "but you're not within me". Once again it leaves me curious, which could be a good thing or a bad thing. If this is to be a folkie type song, I can imagine the chorus either as softly sung harmonies or with a low, rough voice singing gently over an acoustic.
The second verse is great. The flow is very good, the imagery is quite stark and bloody or harsh but concisely described. My favourite so far.

Can't wait for more. Apologies for the quality of the crit, it's quite late here and I'm not entirely sure I'm making sense.
Good luck, I'm hanging out for the rest of it.

EDIT: Overall it was the mood that hooked me, though.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
Last edited by miss_muso~ at Jul 20, 2009,