#1

Between my mind
and that soft, raw line
of your neck,
I live in poverty
of words, depraved
of ways to tell these curves
I can only praise
with muted lips.

And in this poor
existence, I am sure
to be a beggar
selling his eyes
for a better view of the world;
only my world begins
and ends
in the depth of your skin.

And if I ever fall victim
to the hell that is
the space between us,
I vow to journey down
the well of souls
to be your Orpheus
again.

And this time,
I won’t look back.


This is not a pipe
#2
This piece has taken on a whole life for me since i first read it. I've actually stopped wondering what it might be about for you, and instead it's turned into something very personal to my life. I want to thank you for writing this, Carmel.
#3
That was AMAZING!!!
I love how you wove the Greek myth in at the end. It gives it so many more levels of meaning.
Some of the line breaks may be a little confusing, but that is the only thing I noticed.
Great Job.
#4
Between my mind
and that soft, raw line
'Line' sounded somewhat icky after 'mind'.
of your neck,
I live in poverty
This felt fairly bland. I think a simple adjective in front of poverty or an adverb in front of live could fix this for me.
of words, depraved
of ways to tell these curves
Curves doesn't flow off my tounge too well in this situation. It's as if I was expecting a different kind of word there. *shrugs*
I can only praise
with muted lips.
I'm very intrigued by how you compared not being able to speak with poverty.

And in this poor
existence, I am sure
to be a beggar
selling his eyes
his? At first I was somewhat surprised by that. Though, it does make sense to me. Also, 'selling' could be replaced by something better like auctioning, vending, trading, or even bartering.
for a better view of the world;
only my world begins
and ends
in the depth of your skin.
I like how you go from your voice, to your eyes, and then briefly to skin. The thoughts were linked together by the anatomy quite well.

And if I ever fall victim
to the hell that is
the space between us,
I vow to journey down
the well of souls
to be your Orpheus
again.
nothing really felt right or wrong here.

And this time,
I won’t look back.

You start everything except the first stanza with the word 'and'

Long story short, this is just kinda 'eh' for me.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
Opposed to what I just said in the feedback thread, there are just some writers here who do not need a new arsehole torn into them.

That's a compliment to both your writing, and possibyl your derriere.

This is probably a lot of things to a lot of people. The tearing apart and expression of distance was turning the neck hairs up; you wrapped up geographical and emotional all in one.

Gah. The only bit that got me was the last three lines of the opening stanza - to me it read slightly muddily and made me read it two or three times over till I got the gist.

Though, I am a bit silly.
#6
You know.

<3
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
A bit clichéd, but hey, things become clichéd for a reason, right? In any case it was executed splendidly, I can totally relate to this sort of physical declaration of love. I'm a bit torn about the Orpheus reference, though. On the one hand it was very elegant because it felt like a reference to classic English works, but on the other hand it felt a bit forced for some reason - it didn't connect naturally enough with the rest of the poem. Still, I like this piece.
#11
oh i'm positive you're aware of what i think of it.

what beautiful writing.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
Quote by re-chorder
Uh...Orpheus is most assuredly not classic English...It's Greek.

Yes... and in 19th century England the schools taught extensively about Greek mythology, language etc. which is the reason why many English poems from the era contain numerous references to Greek lore.