#1
She was born of flower beds
And knitting to a window view
She claimed Bob Dylan 'the king of words'
Her favorite was 'Tangled Up in Blue'

She let me sleep by the fire
Humming her bashful notes
The cat seemed to sing with her
A song they both had wrote

From a glorious smell I woke
That sizzled from the pan
"Bacon's done! Come get it hun!"
My tired turned to dance

I would propose a toast with her
"live long and never to be old"
Our gleaming glasses to our lips
We smiled, as a story to be told

While I never understood her nature
I sure was intrigued
Like complex intangibles,
She would have made a good read

Oh, Abby.
You're a joy to behold!
Oh, Abby.
You are a story to be told.

And honestly, such things elude me
when she brang up all that french
Seeminlgy beautiful and arituclate,
But I was senseless to the stench

I said, "Why must you act in
your funny little way?"
She laughed, "Me? I'm just like this!
What is normal? Who can say?"

Exiting from the patio
She left these words with me
"Dear boy, don't you get it?"
"To live strange is to live free!"

There are ideas from people
You seem to never forget
To live like her today
Could I rid worry from regret?

I never saw her face again,
But a thought she had gave.
If she was born of flower beds,
Might daises 'dorn her grave?

Oh, Abby.
You're a joy to behold!
Oh, Abby.
You are a story to be told.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
Last edited by GuitarSymphony at Jul 21, 2009,
#3
She was born of flower beds
And knitting to a window view
She claimed Bob Dylan 'the king of words'
She had owned all of his records

Its a good opener, and really does set up the rest of the song. I enjoy the way you phrased the 3rd line, because it sort of makes the line flow into the next one, like its pulling. I would personally rework the last line somehow, because it sort of stops short. I dunno, its just that the rhythm that I was reading it to (which may be different than the one in your head) makes it seem like there should be another syllable or word in there so that the phrase sounds more complete and final.


I would propose a toast with her
"to live long and never get old"
Our gleaming glasses to our lips
We smiled, as a story to be told

Nothing to say for that verse...I like it


While I never understood her nature
I sure was intrigued
Like complex intangibles,
She would have made a good read

The last two lines feel like you were mainly trying to force a rhyme. I do like the first 2 lines, and I like what your trying to get at in the last two, but the last two feel awkward.


And honestly, such things elude me
when she brang up all that french
Seeminlgy beautiful and arituclate,
But I was senseless to the stench

I'm not sure exactly what you are referring to with stench, so that sort of threw me off. However, its most likely just me not getting a metaphor or something, and since the rhythm feels good in this...I approve of this verse


I said, "why must you act in
your funny little way?"
She laughed, "Me? I'm just like this!
What is normal? Who can say?"

Like it

I never saw her face again,
But a thought she had gave.
That maybe if she was born of flower beds,
Might she die in one by a grave?

Last line feels awkward. I think there is one too many syllables for how I am reading it...but again, you may have a different rhythm in your head than I do. Just read over the last line and see if you feel a need to try and improve it. I do really like the idea of this verse, and what your trying to get across.


Oh, Abby.
You're a joy to behold!
Oh, Abby.
You are a story to be told.

And that's mainly just a little shout chorus...which I like. It's a cute little chorus, and I imagine it sort of being shouted and sung along to by the crowd to a catchy pop beat...but then, that's just me. Structure wise its fine.


Overall impression: I liked it. The only thing is that when a line doesn't conform to a beat or rhythm that is established beforehand it really bugs me to no end so its hard for me to get past it. If you find a way to fix the two rhythm things I pointed out, then I really think it would help it along tremendously. I really love what your doing with it...and if you decide to improve it or correct a few things, then PM it to me, because I want to see the final product if you choose to take this further
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#5
This reminds me of Hendrix. Specifically, Wind Cries Mary.

I really liked it man. Great job
build 1, finished 1/15/11

Every time I try to pick it up like falling sand,
As fast as I pick it up,
it runs away through my clutching hands.
There's nothing else I can really do...
#6
Thanks, everyone, for reading and saying some positive things and/or critiquing.
I'm working on more verses right now, actually. I will get to critiquing everyones work, and getting a more up-to-date version done. Again - thank you.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#7
updated!

I added 5 more verses and fixed up some things from crits.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#8
It seems a bit long. And also rhyming the lines makes it more restricted as to what words you can use, and makes it less effective. This shows particularly in the first verse, the 4th line which says "Her favorite was 'Tangled Up in Blue'", and it seemed like you just threw that in to make it rhyme. However I loved the ending. The first line in the last verse, though it is used quite often, is very effective and I like it. Well done

I would appreciate if anyone could critique the song in my sig