#1
I wrote this while I was in a really weird mood.
I've never written anything before and I have to say.
It was fun!

Don't consider it finished because I still have other things I want to put in there.
Just trying to find the right words. So yeah..


Our souls
So unnoticed
Pulse out into the air
Such contrast with each heart beat
The world is whom we share

Surrounded by mirrors
Society's smoke
We toss ourselves in
And I start to choke

This cloud of deceit
That shoot straight to our brains
Taking pride in our efforts
To please our reflection
Living no shame
Embrace all affection

And our hearts are still there
Still keeping the beat
Now more obscure
We make our assumptions
And choose to not seek

Some live their lives
Some think they're bold
So ready to live
And I stood on hold

So we search for our place
Walking for miles through a hall of mirrors
Recalling what once was
Watching as we start spilling over

But that cant be you!
You want to be sane
We experienced it all
This cant be in vain!

The things we give up
To live in peace
Held in or forgotten
Fresh minds for lease
Quote by LivinJoke84
I cant be naked. I have a huge fear of leaving a stain wherever i sit. Especially if its really warm
#2
It's a really good start. some of the rhythm is off in some places--it doesn't quite flow right--but the idea is great! You should keep writing.
For sure.
I loved the "hall of mirrors"!!!
#3
the last stanza was very poetic and I really enjoyed the piece. I think you could have used more/ more powerful imagery, but that's just my opinion. I like my poems to be like a painting or, better yet, a powerful dream. But all in all, it was a good start.
#4
Meh I hate it when you want a poem to be a song or vice versa.
I'm not sure how to go about turning a poem into a song but I do think some things are just better left as a song/poem.
Quote by LivinJoke84
I cant be naked. I have a huge fear of leaving a stain wherever i sit. Especially if its really warm
#5
yea some of the rhythm is a little weird, but overall i like the mood portrayed, pretty good stuff. and definitely keep writing! crit my songs?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166006
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#6
I am curious about how I'd go about turning a poem into a song..
Quote by LivinJoke84
I cant be naked. I have a huge fear of leaving a stain wherever i sit. Especially if its really warm