#1
such a beautiful girl,
what an ugly world.
she lets her tears tell the story;
and this one's for her.

you've been searching for
all the ugliness in the world.
and begging for reasons to give up.
... just open your eyes!
and i promise,
you'll see beauty in everything.
if you're willing to try.
happiness is not an emotion.
it is a choice.
and you have no reason
not to walk with your head held high.
and dont be afraid to
wear your heart on your sleeve.
live a little.

i've been through my fair share of shit.
haven't we all?
it's what makes us human.
it's what holds us together!
and i know, i'm a little crazy.
but aren't we all?
it's what makes us human.
it's what holds us together!
Last edited by TonyRandall at Jul 20, 2009,
#2
Quote by TonyRandall
such a beautiful girl,
what an ugly world.
she lets her tears tell the story;
and this one's for her.
this is a good intro, but i kind of felt that the second line was out-of-place compared to the other three lines in the stanza. maybe you can rephrase it?

you've been searching for
all the ugliness in the world.
and begging for reasons to give up.
... just open your eyes!
and i promise,
you'll see beauty in everything.
if you're willing to try.
happiness is not an emotion.
it is a choice.
and you have no reason
not to walk with your head held high.
and dont be afraid to
wear your heart on your sleeve.
live a little.
i liked everything until the last line. i felt like you could've just ended the stanza at "wear your head on your sleeve". a tad cliche with that line, but it doesn't ruin the stanza.

i've been through my fair share of shit.
haven't we all?
i felt the curse word was out-of-place because you didn't really display any emotion similar to this. but, that's only because i regard curse words as expressing above-normal emotions.
it's what makes us human.
it's what holds us together!
and i know, i'm a little crazy.
but aren't we all?
it's what makes us human.
it's what holds us together!
you tied the song together and ended it well in this stanza. i kind of wished there was another stanza because i would like to hear more, but your ending is fine as it is.


nice job!
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#3
Quote by TonyRandall
such a beautiful girl,
what an ugly world.
she lets her tears tell the story;
and this one's for her.

In my humble opinon, I dont think that the "And this ones for her" line flows well. It conveys what you're trying to say, but if I were you I might attempt to change it up. Otherwise I enjoy this part!

you've been searching for
all the ugliness in the world.
and begging for reasons to give up.
... just open your eyes!
and i promise,
you'll see beauty in everything.
if you're willing to try.
happiness is not an emotion.
it is a choice.
and you have no reason
not to walk with your head held high.
and dont be afraid to
wear your heart on your sleeve.
live a little.

Wow, I really really liked that part. I totally get what your saying. I would only get rid of the "Live a little" ending, It doesnt seem to flow well to me.


] i've been through my fair share of shit.
haven't we all?
it's what makes us human.
it's what holds us together!
and i know, i'm a little crazy.
but aren't we all?
it's what makes us human.
it's what holds us together!

I highly recommend ditching the curse word, it doesnt flow with the emotions you were conveying throughout the song. I like the repetition of "its what holds us together!" Well done!



I enjoyed your peice alot, it was very well written. I would suggest making it longer, but thats only because I want to hear more.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#4
I liked this a lot and I could relate to it actually I didnt see any real probelms with it, but some of the guys on here will say this is somewhat blunt, I know its not a great crit but I didnt see any problems with it if you dont mind criting my newest piece you suffer because your different I would appericate it theres a link in my sig
#5
such a beautiful girl,
what an ugly world.
she lets her tears tell the story;
and this one's for her.

If you look up the song "Story of a Girl" by Nine Days, you'll realize that I completely lost any enthusiasm in reading this piece with this stanza. It reads as almost a carbon copy, in my humble opinion. There's no truly interesting ideas in the piece. It comes across as, sorry to say, whiny and cliche.

You have a decent writing style. Just try to think more outside the box on the next piece you write.

Thanks for your critique on my piece, by the way. I'm not trying to come across as harsh here, just honest.