#1
She looked at me
and confessed
to what
I feared most.

and all the things
I've been dying
to tell her
are forever eclipsed.

She asked me
if I wanted to
and I told her
that I didn't know.

and of the things
we deserve in life
I surely don't
deserve her.

But...

She touched
my soul and
grasped onto
my weakest part

and squeezed
until I couldn't breathe
and I love her
even more for it.

She exposed
what I feared most
in myself and
in the world

and she made
happiness out of
the biggest lies
and problems.


Thanks
#2
is there by any chance a story behind this? it sounds like this is something pretty personal to you, which is very good. i really enjoyed. but i would suggest changing the title to something a little less cliche and more original..just personal opinion though

Crit my songs? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166006
██████████████████████████████████████████████████████
#4
Subject matter like this, especially at the personal level you're obviously writing at, is very difficult to write, and write well. I should know, I spent a long time doing it. The main problem with this piece is structure, followed closely by word choice. The boxy structure you've come up with is too clippy, it make the ideas far too short and detached, there's nothing to flow. Pieces like this need to flow, they need to enage, not flick snippets of half-formed ideas at the reader. Secondly, I basically got all the way to the end and felt like what i just read could've been summed up in one line. Honestly, it was bland. I don't mean to be harsh, but it was. YOu've got no real spark here, nothing at all that I can sink my teeth into.

The first two stanzas are probably the best. They are almost ok, though really you're not realy saying anything. The rest of the piece after that feels like you're droning on and on about nothing really. Everything you talk about in the following stanzas was implied in the first two. If you want to write like this, you need to do it in a way that is not only interesting, but uniquely you. There is a hundred thousand pieces out there about this one same subject, so the question you've gotta answer is, Why the should I read your piece? What is here that I haven't read a million times? What can you offer me from this piece that will make me feel a connection to it and your situation?

I hope I've managed to say something helpful here. If you have anymore questions, feel free to send me a PM. If you did find this helpful, I'd really appreciate some thoughts on my newest piece. Just click "solo" in my sig, and it'll take you right on there.

Good luck, and keep writing
#6
Here's my newest revised version. i think it flows better

She looked at me
and confessed
everything
I feared most.

Now all the things
I've been dying
to tell her
are forever eclipsed.

She asked me
if I felt differently
about her and I
told her I didn't know.

Even though I knew
The sins she whispered
in my heart were more pure
than myself

She had touched
the soul I didn't have
and grasped onto
my weakest part

She squeezed
until I couldn't breathe;
until I didn't want
to live anymore

And when she let go
I was dead inside.

She showed that
what I feared most
in myself and in
the world were all lies

She exposed
the only thing that
would ever matter to me
and kept it from me

She was wiser
than I ever will be.

Of the things
I deserve in life
I surely don't
deserve her.
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish


Yes this one does flow much better than the original and I love the story of this poem.
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
: