#1
(i imagine these lyrics in kind of an electronic-pop-relaxing song, like owl city )

Dandelions and Fireflies

when i'm alone at home
lying on the floor
all i think about is
you and i behind closed doors

a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i

a thousand fireflies
lift me in the air
and show me the world
of a teddy bear

the one you hold tight
when i'm on your mind
that sends shivers down my spine
then they all collide
and i wake, still lying on the floor
no breath to take


a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i

[ then i just get up
and go to your house
say i love you and hold you in my arms
right next, we fall asleep
and we both go
on a amazing journey through the sky ]

surrounded by fireflies
and waving dandelions
we look down and see

us both lying on the floor
then we laugh and wake up
side by side

(:

[] - I'm not sure about keeping that or not

c4c
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES
Last edited by MegaShreeder at Jul 23, 2009,
#2
Quote by MegaShreeder
when i'm alone at home
lying on the floor
all i think about is
you and i behind closed doors

a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i

a thousand fireflies
lift me in the air
and show me the world
of a teddy bear

I think "teddy bear" sounds too out of place, I don't think a teddy bear fits in with the rest of the imagery you created.

the one you hold tight
when i'm on your mind
that sends me shivers down my spine
then they all collide
and i wake, still lying on the floor
no breath to take

"Sends me shivers down my spine" is redundant, take out "me".

a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i

then i just get up
and go to your house
say i'm sorry and hold you in my arms
we fell asleep
and we both go
on a amazing journey through the sky

You probably want to change "fell" to "fall" to avoid confusing the listener by switching tenses.

surrounded by fireflies
and waving dandelions
we look down and see

us both lying on the floor
then we laugh and wake up
side to side

Do you mean "side BY side"? Also, take out "both", since "us both" can be somewhat redundant here.


I liked it, there were mainly just some writing errors.
#3
I don't know I think "teddy bear" fits it, maybe that's just me (and because I was listening to Owl City when I wrote this )

Fixed the errors, thanks a lot for pointing them out

Thanks for crit, it's always appreciated (and in this case helpful )
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES
#4
Yeah man, I didn't think that the "teddy bear" fit, personally.

I'll be honest, I'm having troubles fitting the sound of my head together, but that's probably because I didn't write it

The lyrics themselves are very good. Well done.
build 1, finished 1/15/11

Every time I try to pick it up like falling sand,
As fast as I pick it up,
it runs away through my clutching hands.
There's nothing else I can really do...
#5
Advice to everyone who's not getting the rhytm, please, listen to any song by Owl City.

I'll provide a link, even :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSQ0ncgtJfE

That's what I imagine it like, not anywhere near rock//punk//metal

Again, thanks for the crits, guys
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES
Last edited by MegaShreeder at Jul 23, 2009,
#6
Woah man, odd.

Never heard anything like it. Very, very unique.
build 1, finished 1/15/11

Every time I try to pick it up like falling sand,
As fast as I pick it up,
it runs away through my clutching hands.
There's nothing else I can really do...
#7
Quote by Copaman
Woah man, odd.

Never heard anything like it. Very, very unique.


Glad you liked it, Adam Young is awesome.
I love all of his music ... (a lot ! )

It makes me fly - it's so dreamy

That's what I was aiming for when I wrote the lyrics, not necessarily the same rhytm but the same style
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES
#8
Quote by MegaShreeder


Hi, I'm going to be as blunt and honest as possible, please don't take it the wrong way.

when i'm alone at home
lying on the floor
all i think about is
you and i behind closed doors

This was an extremely safe and boring start. There is nothing about this that pops at all. As an opener, it was very bland and doesn't draw me in. The only thing good about it is that it introduces some "mystique" of the "who is you?" however, this presents all of your ideas in a very standard and cliche way... without expanding beyond the "normal" imagery for the type of piece. cliche might fly ok later in a piece, but to open with something like this is just begging people to start with a bad taste in their mouth.

a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i

I love the streetlight image. However, soon after you go to the evening sun... which really is a jump back in time... from a street light shining which requires darkness to the sun. Beyond that, its introducing another image which you really never use. You just introduce the idea and then immediately move away from it. I'd find an expansion on the streetlight image and run that into the "million" line. Or, drop the million thoughts line all together as again... its just boring an standard. There has to be a more "you" way of saying that, no? Something that doesn't come out of a hundred other love songs? I mean, this is your chorus... and you'll be singing something somebody else wrote down years and years ago, you know? Not too unique or standing out.

a thousand fireflies
lift me in the air
and show me the world
of a teddy bear

Nice. Very nice. Painting a world that I can watch with you. May I reccommend:

"and show me the world,
and show me the teddy bear."

Letting the repetition tie your world to being in her arms as a teddy bear. Creating a stronger bond between you and her. I would also combine this with the next stanza below... don't break the idea... let it continue and flow naturally; creating a strong powerful and beautiful image.

the one you hold tight
when i'm on your mind
that sends shivers down my spine
then they all collide
and i wake, still lying on the floor
no breath to take

I'd drop the last three lines... End with the image of her arms giving you shivers. Let that be the strong end to the verse. The other weakens it by stretching the impact of the idea over too many lines; which makes it less potent. Condense and strengthen. Everything in a song/poem should be said with as few words as possible... no more, no less.

a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i

then i just get up
and go to your house
say i'm sorry and hold you in my arms
we fall asleep
and we both go
on a amazing journey through the sky

Meh to this. First two lines are SO boring. Completely ruins what you had going as far as mood and scene and flow. Now I'm watching some kid walk down the street instead of floating around in teh sky dreaming of some girl. Honestly, none of this strikes... its all easy and slow. Why'd you say sorry... you need to expand that. This all just falls short to the scenes and ideas you've painted so far.

surrounded by fireflies
and waving dandelions
we look down and see

us both lying on the floor
then we laugh and wake up
side by side

I like this as an end. You don't need to connect the dots between you dreaming about her and being with her. Just get you both into the sky and let the magic happen. This is a pleasant and solid ending.

(:

c4c



I thought this showed a lot of potential. Seemed a little lost here and there and ramble in places that needed condensing. Remember, make it potent and let it speak. It's a hard balance to find... but in some places you struck it and it others you lost potency in favor of wordiness.

If you'd like to return, Sailor's Take Warning in my sig would be appreciated.



-zC
#9
ugh, this is the thing about Zanas crits. once he's critted something there's nothing much else that can be critted

I "got" the idea, but there was something that made me clamor for more. Maybe it was the very relatable topic communicated in a mundane way. But basically what the guys have said above.

If you have any pieces in the future you'd like me to read (to make up for this horrid crit) just tell me.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#10
It's ok. I find it a bit too literal for my taste. Also for some reason it sounds a bit sexual to me. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. It's not good or bad necessarily though.

However this bit kinda bugged me:

"a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i"


Lines 3 and 6 here seem to change the rhythm dramatically because of their length. However I don't know what the intended rhythm is so I can't judge too much.

Overall it's pretty good.

Crits? (link in sig)
Last edited by 1nSingularity at Jul 22, 2009,
#11
The majority is very good but like others have said there are a few words or phrases which seem a bit out of place. Apart from that i enjoyed it!
#12
Quote by 1nSingularity
It's ok. I find it a bit too literal for my taste. Also for some reason it sounds a bit sexual to me. I'm not sure if this is intentional or not. It's not good or bad necessarily though.

However this bit kinda bugged me:

"a million thoughts fly
fly,through my mind
shining brighter than you and i below a street light
the evening sun shines bright
up in the sky
but all i have is a million thoughts of you and i"


Lines 3 and 6 here seem to change the rhythm dramatically because of their length. However I don't know what the intended rhythm is so I can't judge too much.

Overall it's pretty good.

Crits? (link in sig)


I updated the link to the song as the other one was not working.
I don't want the rhytm to be exactly like that but, well, I was listening to Owl City when I wrote that and his music he's pretty much all like that

Sexual ? Well, it's not intended really.
It's supposed to be like a cute couple missing each other, emphasize "cute"

I'll crit yours in a sec., thanks a lot
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES