#1
This is a Song I wrote about my experience with a girl...... Very Cliche I know. All criticism accepted thank you


Hey its me again
Nothing more than just a friend
Guess my best wasnt good enough
Im not suprised thats just my luck.

You really seemed to be flying high
When I saw you with that other guy
But he wont be there for very long
What do you do after hes gone?

Walk on by
Pay me no mind
Dont worry about me I'll be just fine

Aimed to please
Was off the mark
Shot myself right through the heart

Years ago, guess I missed the boat
Too many holes didn't think it would float
So on the dock I chose to stay
And had to swim all this way

Walk on by
Pay me no mind
Dont worry about me I'll be alright

Aimed to please
was off the mark
Shot myself right through the heart

Would anyone take this shot?
I dont know
As foolish as throwing stones at an empty window

Missed it by a mile
Missed it by a yard
Either way the target was just way too far

Walk on by
Pay me no mind
Dont worry about me I'll be just fine

If this is what you want
Then I'll be alright
Someday I'll find another target in my sight.
#2
All criticism eh? Well this is what I think. Just because you announce that your piece is cliche before hand doesn't excuse the fact that it is. So I ask the question... Is there really any satisfaction in writing pretty much the exact same piece that's been written literally thousands of times before? Or think of it this way... since those exact thoughts have been expressed before in almost the exact same way, why would I or anyone else want to read/listen to yours rather than someone else's? What makes yours better? If you are going to write about a common/cliche subject then you have to make sure you do it better. I kind of get the feeling that pretty much anyone in this forum could have write this piece, and most of them probably have.

So my advice is to not be satisfied writing a piece that you know is cliche. If you feel like something you've written is cliche then instead of shrugging it off and settling for that, take another look at the piece. Don't be afraid to spend some time on it. Gradually work some original ideas into it, and yes that can even be done on pieces about a girl. Keep doing this until finally the piece genuinely feels like something you've created.

Hope that helped.



Oh yeah... I'm working on a new piece, so once I post it I might PM you to ask for your thoughts.
#3
I appreciate your honestly, and quite honestly Im glad you pointed out the flaws. I thought metaphors would make it more original, but just goes to show, theres always something better.
#4
Metaphors can be great, but the ones that you used are ones that have been used constantly. Metaphors are one of the easiest ways to develop your creativity. Just keep in mind when you're writing that the first idea that pops into your head is likely the most overused one. Dig deeper for metaphors. Try to be innovative. That might result in a few metaphors that turn out sounding kind of silly afterwards and may not always make the most sense, but at least they were your metaphors. After a while they'll come to you more easily and they'll be well thought out.

EDIT: Welcome to the S+L forum by the way.

Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 21, 2009,
#5
Yea, like previous post said, its still kinda cliche. however i like the fact that you can take something personal and relevant to your life and stick it into a song. i mean as long as you get your thoughts down it doesnt really matter what others think. id be very interested to hear this as a final song though

Crit my songs? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166006
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