#1
This One's For You, Jerusalem


if you look hard enough, you'll find a crescent and a star
dancing around the sky, shining down where you are
and you can roam
to find this man clinging to the five pillars that hold up his home
He's screaming "What for?" "What for?"
he's clenching his heart
yelling out to the steely dark

if you look hard enough, you can find a house by a beach
where the fish in the sand swim up to your feet
and in this house
a man writhes on the floor and tries to flip himself inside out
He's screaming "What for?" "What for?"
you're fixed on his glare
as he yells to a room upstairs

if you look hard enough, you'll find nine candles burning bright
across the street, the embers echo throughout the night
and with his torch
a man sets aflame everything his kaleidoscope life stood for
He's screaming "What for?" "What for?"
loaded tears rain down
but they can't seem to stamp it out

But only if you look hard enough
Start looking around, not above
It can only happen if you look hard enough
the bruises on our knees
are mirror images of the love we all seek

It's there if you just look hard enough
Start looking around, not above
It can only happen if you look hard enough
the bruises on our knees
are mirror images of the love we all seek
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jul 21, 2009,
#2
Oh my goodness. I'm speechless.
I love it.
It can only happen if you look hard enough
the bruises on our knees
are mirror images of the love we all seek

wow.
I'm reading everything else you wrote.
great job.
were the 9 candles Hannika? (sp?)
Great images, and metaphores, and I love the feeling they give.
#3
To start, I have read most of the things you have posted on here, and I have to say this is the best so far. Great work.

Now with that being said, I think there are a couple things that are wrong with this one. First off, the 4th line of the second stanza is very awkward to read. It seems out of place. Also, I think the "yes"'s are completely unnecessary and do nothing to add to the piece. I would do away with them completely. I think some of the longer lines could have been broken down into two lines, but that may or may not mess with the flow of the piece too much, so take that how you will.

Overall, I liked it. Alot more than your other pieces. I also have to say that I love your titles..I'm not sure what it is about them, but I just..like them.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
This One's For You, Jerusalem


if you look hard enough, you'll find a crescent and a moon
dancing around the sky, shining down upon you.
and you can roam
just to find this man cling to the five pillars that hold up his home "cling" should be "clinging".
He's screaming "What for?" "What for?"
he's clenching his heart
yelling out to the steely dark Just a little thing; if you're going to use punctuation, use it properly and consistantly. If not, then don't at all. YOu can't go sorta somewhere between.

if you look hard enough, you can find a house by a beach
where the fish in the sand swim up to your feet
and in this house
a man writhes on the floor and tries to flip himself inside out
He's screaming "What for?" "What for?"
you're fixed on his glare
as he yells to a room upstairs Both these lines were pretty weak, although I liked the rhyme.

if you look hard enough, you'll find nine candles burning bright
across the street, the embers echo throughout the night
and with his torch
a man sets aflame everything his kaleidoscope life stood for
He's screaming "What for?" "What for?"
loaded tears rain down
but they can't seem to stamp it out
#5
wow, excellent. you have some great writing talent. i'm pretty happy that you like my stuff.
#6
This is pretty good. The repetition of certain lines makes it much more effective. And you have the ability to use metaphors that I don't

Great job
Last edited by 1nSingularity at Jul 21, 2009,
#7
Thanks for the kind words everyone.

And kdownes, I definitely agree with everything you said. The last two lines of each stanza are noticeably weak so I'll definitely work on fixing them. I already fixed some of the other things you suggested.
here, My Dear, here it is