#1
Yikes.


My journey round a spindle,
spine splayed and tickled
to ward off the smallest
fleck of apprehension.
A glint and her best impression
of my father is what got us all laughing,
until nostalgia set in
and we woke up mourning
the victim of another Southern drawl.
She's an apple core;
no hips, no quips, no soul,
but I still find myself flattered
when all she asks of me
are straighter, whiter teeth.
With our fingers knitted together,
we thrust our hands into the ground,
working with Earth and time
to produce a seed
that nine months couldn't hide.
"There's been a birth
so we'll celebrate!
Cheers to the guilty parties!"
they said, and
we broke the ice with waves goodbye,
and more confessions than you can fit
in a birdie's beak.
We've been raising the child
like it's somebody elses,
because I've never done too well
with my own possessions.
The neighbours did name her
but I put the tags on,
doing my part to take some initiative.
I don't want to be deadbeat,
my baby girl deserves the best.
She's my little applecore;
no hips, no quips, no soul.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jul 21, 2009,
#2
"We broke the ice with waves goodbye,"

I didn't like the random capital letter floating in on that line out of nowhere. Also, I felt like this started to drag, just a little, towards the end. The actual ending, though it did tie things off nicely, just felt a little too much of an anti-climax for my taste.
#3
Thanks Kyle. I'm not too fond of the ending myself. That's what I was hoping for opinions on. Maybe a better ending will hit me later today.