#1
Everything I was
And everything I were
Washed away
Into a sea of lies
And I'll hold
Your hand and say

Don't be afraid
There's nothing to fear
And there's no reason to hide

If you leave me now
I'll curl up and die
Because there'd be no reason
To live again
And I'll hold
Your hand and say

Don't be afraid
There's nothing to fear
And there's no reason to hide

_________________________

A few months ago I was writing this song. It was the first song I'd written. I was just writing whatever sounded okay at the time.

While I was listening to Thom Yorke not too long ago, I only just realised what the song means. And it actually makes sense. Tell me what you think it means.

Theme: Clean dreamy electric guitar (think the intro to Metallica's 'One) arpeggios, with an atmospheric feel.
#2
I can see it is supposed to be a love song. All of the lines have been used a million times, but one stood out. The bit about the sea of lies, it was my favorite line. I think practice makes perfect right? Thanks for the crit on my piece. :P
#3
I'll just suggest to you a few things. I think there were a lot of good things in here but I don't think you completely drew out those good things as far as they could go. One that comes to mind is the "sea of lies". I think you need to expound on that idea a little more and help the reader figure out why "everything [the narrator] was" is being "washed away into a sea of lies". You sort of dropped this line out of nowhere without explaining why it's happening. Now you don't have explicitly tell us why you feel that way, but just throw the reader a bone.

Also, your chorus seems like it doesn't belong with your verses. Contrastly, your verses match up perfectly in that they are talking about the same topic without saying the same things. It's just that the chorus seems very out-of-place, in my opinion.

Lastly, the second line "everything I were" is technically grammatically incorrect but I'm sure you knew that. May I ask why you wrote it that way? If it was intentional to write it that way, it's kinda intriguing.

But that's all I got for you. My main thing would be to revise the chorus to match the sentiments in the verses or vice versa. In my opinion, the chorus should contain the overall message of the song and the verses should have the supporting details. Also, fully develop some of the good ideas you have going, such as the "sea of lies" and you should be good to go.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I'll just suggest to you a few things. I think there were a lot of good things in here but I don't think you completely drew out those good things as far as they could go. One that comes to mind is the "sea of lies". I think you need to expound on that idea a little more and help the reader figure out why "everything [the narrator] was" is being "washed away into a sea of lies". You sort of dropped this line out of nowhere without explaining why it's happening. Now you don't have explicitly tell us why you feel that way, but just throw the reader a bone.

Also, your chorus seems like it doesn't belong with your verses. Contrastly, your verses match up perfectly in that they are talking about the same topic without saying the same things. It's just that the chorus seems very out-of-place, in my opinion.

Lastly, the second line "everything I were" is technically grammatically incorrect but I'm sure you knew that. May I ask why you wrote it that way? If it was intentional to write it that way, it's kinda intriguing.

But that's all I got for you. My main thing would be to revise the chorus to match the sentiments in the verses or vice versa. In my opinion, the chorus should contain the overall message of the song and the verses should have the supporting details. Also, fully develop some of the good ideas you have going, such as the "sea of lies" and you should be good to go.
TBH the 'everything I were' just sounded like it belonged. So I put it in. I know it's grammatically incorrect, but really, who cares?

I will tell you what I think it means so you can understand it better. I think it's about someone who changes himself for someone elses love, and would be torn apart if is change was for nothing. So yeah. And the chorus is supposed to be telling her "not to be afraid of the change in me"

Thanks guys.
Last edited by 1nSingularity at Jul 21, 2009,
#5
Everything I was
And everything I were here i would have written " and every thing i used to be but its your song so do what you will
Washed away
Into a sea of lies
I really like this part it seems origonal enough and it is clear with what you are talking about yet vauge enough for the listener to give it his own meaning
And I'll hold
Your hand and say

Don't be afraid
There's nothing to fear
And there's no reason to hide

If you leave me now
I'll curl up and die
Because there'd be no reason
To live again
maybe instead of the word again I would put anymore but I reallly like this line other then that it can apply to lots of people
And I'll hold
Your hand and say

Don't be afraid
There's nothing to fear
And there's no reason to hide

well done i just wish it was a bit longer
#6
Quote by 1nSingularity
Everything I was
And everything I were
Washed away
Into a sea of lies
And I'll hold
Your hand and say
Not bad, just the cliché love song intro. Work on being original, I know it's not easy.

Don't be afraid
There's nothing to fear
And there's no reason to hide
Cliché.

If you leave me now
I'll curl up and die
Because there'd be no reason
To live again
And I'll hold
Your hand and say
I'm not really fond of the repetition of "reason" from the last stanza and there's no rhyming, I do realize it's not needed but I feel like it is here.

Don't be afraid
There's nothing to fear
And there's no reason to hide

That's it ? It's too short, man ! I was expecting more ...
_________________________

A few months ago I was writing this song. It was the first song I'd written. I was just writing whatever sounded okay at the time.

While I was listening to Thom Yorke not too long ago, I only just realised what the song means. And it actually makes sense. Tell me what you think it means.

Theme: Clean dreamy electric guitar (think the intro to Metallica's 'One) arpeggios, with an atmospheric feel.


Here are the major problems with this piece - it's too short and too cliché.
I realize it's not suppose to be groundbreaking but this is boring, sorry.
Really, really cliché'd piece.

It's okay, I guess.

Thanks for the crit, man
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES
Last edited by MegaShreeder at Jul 23, 2009,
#7
Everyone has nailed this on the head. It's just "boring" to read because you haven't expressed anything that only you can say. You've taken lines from every other song you've heard and put it together.

If I may make a recommendation, start with something smaller. Love is so huge; and it takes a lot of skill and practice to be able to write about it without sounding like one voice in a million. Seek out smaller situations and smaller things to write about... like watching your cat fall off a couch, or your mother being ill, or a cup of coffee spilling and how you thought about life falling or... ANYTHING. But don't take on something so big and huge as love; start small, hone your skills, learn to bend words to your will and to paint wonderous images with words... and then you can come back and attack bigger things. For now, you don't have the skills or hours of practice logged in to not come off as being a bit weak in this piece.

Just keep writing mate. PM me a link to your next one, and I'll come spank your ass again.

-zC
#8
Thanks.

It's not supposed to be long. It's meant to be short. Also this is my first song. Just bear that in mind.

Thanks.