#1
"get over it." - anne frank's poetry review. c4c. ots. etc.


shortkuts
down in my neighborhood, we caught the car shine in the late afternoon's sunlight,
and then the sun sank through the evergreens, kissing nettles and cones,
casting carnival shadows, how they stretch and grow with time,
til they come to their peaks and the night claims it all. yeah, it takes everything,
but in my neighborhood, the phonograph sings through an open window,
as an old tune marches merrily across the air, each note a gondola in the ear canal,
pulling to port in the left brain. stars claim space like a smile once flashed
and then hidden again, and we dance in our living rooms, and we drink to the midnight,
we sing to the children and we wish them a good life, we remember our fathers,
and think about the good times, and then the fireworks fill up the moon,
and the little sparks drift into the ether and god damn i wish you could be here,
but up in your neighborhood, it's a ghost town, and it's you and another,
a sweetness and secretive lover permeating the pores of your skin,
and with nothing but this thought playing unsteadily in 8mm on a swaying loop
in the corner of my still wet and sparkling eyes, in all the noise and celebration,
i feel a crumbling foundation, i am so, so, so alone, and you're in love, but not with me,
not anymore.
#2
okay....here goes. its damn near 5am here, so this might not be the most coherent crit. maybe ill write a better one later- probably ill forget
the beginning felt choppy. youre using looong conversational lines, but it felt more like an essay in the beginning than a flowing piece of poetry. not to say the content was bad. it just didnt capture, y'know.
it really caught about halfway through. around the line that starts "and then hidden again...etc". it felt like some emotion really came through there. and it kept up nicely and unfolded. overall i rather enjoyed it. nice work.
did you write this stream-of-conscious?
~b
#4
can I use these for a song If I give you the credit? just put some chords to it and sussed a vocal melody, it sounds epic!
Strange, It seems like a character mutation, Though I have all the means, of bringing you fuckers down, I can't make myself, To destroy upon command, Somehow forgiveness, lets the evil make a loss - Danger Mouse/Sparklehorse/Wayne Coyne
Last edited by walkingminstral at Jul 21, 2009,
#5
Quote by NGD1313

The ever wonderful Dylan has told me I must stop being so arse-kissey, so I'm going to attempt to crit this one properly. Wish me luck

"get over it." - anne frank's poetry review. c4c. ots. etc.


shortkuts
down in my neighborhood, we caught the car shine in the late afternoon's sunlight,
and then the sun sank through the evergreens, kissing nettles and cones, I gotta be honest, these first two lines didn't grab me as much as they should've. The two "sun"s so close together didn't work for me at all.
casting carnival shadows, how they stretch and grow with time,
til they come to their peaks and the night claims it all. yeah, it takes everything, Up until "yeah, it take everything" I wasn't really feeling ya. Hoever, that one line grabbed me with the usual Nick flair. Now I'm interested.
but in my neighborhood, the phonograph sings through an open window, None of these commas are really needed and they disrupt the flow.
as an old tune marches merrily across the air, each note a gondola in the ear canal, Not quite sure about the metaphor here. I love the word "gondola", always have, but this felt too...ahh, i dunno.
pulling to port in the left brain. stars claim space like a smile once flashed
and then hidden again, and we dance in our living rooms, and we drink to the midnight,
we sing to the children and we wish them a good life, we remember our fathers,
and think about the good times, and then the fireworks fill up the moon,
and the little sparks drift into the ether and god damn i wish you could be here, I think there's one or two too many "and"s in here, and they're not in a consistent enough patter for it to work properly. This is definitely the strongest part so far though.
but up in your neighborhood, it's a ghost town, and it's you and another,
a sweetness and secretive lover permeating the pores of your skin,
and with nothing but this thought playing unsteadily in 8mm on a swaying loop
in the corner of my still wet and sparkling eyes, in all the noise and celebration,
i feel a crumbling foundation, i am so, so, so alone, and you're in love, but not with me,
not anymore.No complaints here at all, once again you save yourself with a strong ending, however, I don't think it's strong enough to save yourself fully.


This wasn't to your usual standard. I've said as much as I can. Still love ya
#6
Bit of a wall of text, so it's not easy to read. Maybe use paragraph breaks instead of commas.

I love the closing line. Awesome stuff
#7
Quote by 1nSingularity
Bit of a wall of text, so it's not easy to read. Maybe use paragraph breaks instead of commas.


i sure hope you don't ever stumble across a book in your lifetime. that wall of text might make your head explode.


anyway, it's funny how your favorite pieces that you write always turn out to be the ones that are received with apathy and/or derision and the ones you don't really care about always get praise. i don't really know what that says about my skill as a writer.
#8
Quote by NGD1313
i sure hope you don't ever stumble across a book in your lifetime. that wall of text might make your head explode.


anyway, it's funny how your favorite pieces that you write always turn out to be the ones that are received with apathy and/or derision and the ones you don't really care about always get praise. i don't really know what that says about my skill as a writer.



thats a little harsh man...
it is a dense piece. and prose and poetry have a very different feel
this falls somewhere in between to be honest, so i dont think he's far off

and i know what you mean. the few things i feel proud of tend to get very severe crits, whereas the la-dee-dah stuff gets approval.
~b
#9
I have the same problem, everyone loves the pieces i don't, everyone hates the pieces i do. Not that i hated this, i liked it a lot, but it felt like something that meant a lot to you, but didn't have enough presence to mean a lot to me. dig me?
#10
I was a little confused by the 'but' in the but in my neighborhood line. There isn't anything to suggest a time difference between the first 'in my neighborhood' section and their isn't an identifiable shift in tone to require a but here while there remains a but in but in your neighborhood. I don't know if it's right but it confuses me.


anyways.
I don't know if you saw my post in you're last thread since it was late and dropped off the front page right away but either way that all still stands.
I don't know if you need to hear this but I really got into the imagery and descriptions at the beginning
I do think that we are a lot alike. I can see myself writing this exact same thing with less kick in the phrasing and style. Everything from the car shine and pine trees and dropping sun and the fireworks and the ****ing pores of her skin oh my god it strikes a note in my soul. That's what I like most about this. I feel it from you. I feel for you. I believe you mean every word in one way or another.

I wonder how it's gonna all work out...

~Jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#11
Quote by 1nSingularity
Bit of a wall of text, so it's not easy to read. Maybe use paragraph breaks instead of commas.

I love the closing line. Awesome stuff
i first was going to quote your response to this as i laughed rather loudly at it. but then i realised how bloody true he was.

it's really the only thing that stops me from thinking you are brilliant... your lack of space.

everyone raves about your work because you have such command over the english language, over form, over imagery, over humour, over precision. but for me, without space


it's just masturbation.


i've recently been reading suttree and the road by cormac mccarthy, and i've always found your style similar to his, and i feel similarly when reading it: with all that "nonsense" and exuberant terminology flowing like water over roses, there is still nothing but a seemingly relating bunch of metaphors and literay techniques. they're there, but they're not painting anything. they're not creating anything.
his novels and stuff certainly paints something, but that's because there is more of a story - there has to be.

this, on the other hand, concluded quite tenderly and simply. you walked away from verbal pornography and spoke exactly what was in your head, ignoring all that you have learned.

i think that's the key of writing: being able to throw away all that you have learned and still write a blistering piece.

this isn't quite blistering, but still good.
#12
Quote by ChordMonger
thats a little harsh man...
it is a dense piece. and prose and poetry have a very different feel
this falls somewhere in between to be honest, so i dont think he's far off
~b


it says in my "poetry rulezzz" handbook that prosetry has a maximum line length of 27 words. so, i'm in the clear, if just barely.

Quote by kdownes
I have the same problem, everyone loves the pieces i don't, everyone hates the pieces i do. Not that i hated this, i liked it a lot, but it felt like something that meant a lot to you, but didn't have enough presence to mean a lot to me. dig me?


nah i get it, different images evoke different things for certain people, this was just extra tasty to me.

Quote by AngryGoldfish
i first was going to quote your response to this as i laughed rather loudly at it. but then i realised how bloody true he was.

it's really the only thing that stops me from thinking you are brilliant... your lack of space.

everyone raves about your work because you have such command over the english language, over form, over imagery, over humour, over precision. but for me, without space


it's just masturbation.


i've recently been reading suttree and the road by cormac mccarthy, and i've always found your style similar to his, and i feel similarly when reading it: with all that "nonsense" and exuberant terminology flowing like water over roses, there is still nothing but a seemingly relating bunch of metaphors and literay techniques. they're there, but they're not painting anything. they're not creating anything.
his novels and stuff certainly paints something, but that's because there is more of a story - there has to be.

this, on the other hand, concluded quite tenderly and simply. you walked away from verbal pornography and spoke exactly what was in your head, ignoring all that you have learned.

i think that's the key of writing: being able to throw away all that you have learned and still write a blistering piece.

this isn't quite blistering, but still good.


dan, i really like you, so please don't take any of this as aggressive or ill-willed. it is absolutely masturbation, and without applying verbal themes, twists and tricks, my poems would be baaadddd, baaaddd journal entries. i mean this poem would, if expressed plain-faced, boil down to "i'm at a party, and it's a real rager, and my girlfriend is with some other guy now, cheating on me, and even though i have all these people and they only have each other i'm so lonely and they're not, and that totally hurtsss." if you'll excuse my momentary arrogance, if i have the talent to command language and form etc., wouldn't i being fucking stupid not to use it? isn't that part of establishing an identity and technique as a writer? and i write abstract, pretty much always, i'll won't walk you through a story so don't hold your breath for that, because i much prefer to give you fragments and let you respond to it on a more visceral level than a cerebral one, probably because that's what i respond to best as a reader/listener. i may be able to write something raw and real and blistering every once in a while, but i'd much prefer to do something dense and polished, because it tickles the right parts of the brain for me, and it allows me to use talents and techniques that i feel take my simpler themes to a higher level. also, i love cormac mccarthy and am totally flattered by the comparison.

Quote by jiminizzle

anyways.
I don't know if you saw my post in you're last thread since it was late and dropped off the front page right away but either way that all still stands.
I don't know if you need to hear this but I really got into the imagery and descriptions at the beginning
I do think that we are a lot alike. I can see myself writing this exact same thing with less kick in the phrasing and style. Everything from the car shine and pine trees and dropping sun and the fireworks and the ****ing pores of her skin oh my god it strikes a note in my soul. That's what I like most about this. I feel it from you. I feel for you. I believe you mean every word in one way or another.

I wonder how it's gonna all work out...

~Jimmy




i wonder how it's all gonna work out too, i haven't said anything to her (the girl mentioned) about the whole situation with her and the other guy. total fucking bummer.
#13
Quote by NGD1313
dan, i really like you, so please don't take any of this as aggressive or ill-willed. it is absolutely masturbation, and without applying verbal themes, twists and tricks, my poems would be baaadddd, baaaddd journal entries. i mean this poem would, if expressed plain-faced, boil down to "i'm at a party, and it's a real rager, and my girlfriend is with some other guy now, cheating on me, and even though i have all these people and they only have each other i'm so lonely and they're not, and that totally hurtsss." if you'll excuse my momentary arrogance, if i have the talent to command language and form etc., wouldn't i being fucking stupid not to use it? isn't that part of establishing an identity and technique as a writer? and i write abstract, pretty much always, i'll won't walk you through a story so don't hold your breath for that, because i much prefer to give you fragments and let you respond to it on a more visceral level than a cerebral one, probably because that's what i respond to best as a reader/listener. i may be able to write something raw and real and blistering every once in a while, but i'd much prefer to do something dense and polished, because it tickles the right parts of the brain for me, and it allows me to use talents and techniques that i feel take my simpler themes to a higher level. also, i love cormac mccarthy and am totally flattered by the comparison.


i appreciate that, absolutely. thanks alot for saying it. i like it when people stand up for how they write.
#14
Quote by NGD1313
"get over it." - anne frank's poetry review. c4c. ots. etc.


shortkuts
down in my neighborhood
we caught the car shine in the
late afternoon's sunlight,
and then the sun sank through the
evergreens
kissing nettles and cones,
casting carnival shadows -
how they stretch and grow with time
til they come to their peaks
and the night claims it all.
yeah, it takes everything,
but in my neighborhood the phonograph sings
through an open window,
as an old tune marches merrily across the air
each note a gondola in the ear canal
pulling to port in the left brain.
stars claim space
like a smile once flashed and then hidden again
and we dance in our living rooms
and we drink to the midnight
we sing to the children and
we wish them a good life,
we remember our fathers,
and think about the good times
and then the fireworks fill up the moon
and the little sparks drift into the ether and
god damn i wish you could be here.
but up in your neighborhood,
it's a ghost town,
and it's you and another,
a sweetness and secretive
lover
permeating the pores of your skin
and with nothing but this thought
playing unsteadily in 8mm on a swaying loop
in the corner of my still wet and
sparkling eyes,
in all the noise and celebration,
i feel a crumbling foundation,
i am so, so, so alone, and you're in love,
but not with me
not anymore.



Fixed.




love is a dog from hell.



#16
You paint a very nice picture.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#17
Quote by jiminizzle
That's what I like most about this. I feel it from you. I feel for you. I believe you mean every word in one way or another.
took the words right out of my mouth.
i don't comment too often on your stuff, if i ever have at all - but i'm always reading you.

also Chris(we have sound) has a point. it reads so much better broken down like that.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#18
It reads so much better broken down like that, but then, it reads like a piece Chris wrote, not a piece Nick wrote. I've never been bothered by the length of the lines, it's one of the things I think makes your writing unique. Sorry, just my two cents
#19
I think changing it to the way we have sound altered it to would detract from NGD's original method, even though it does add the space that I sometimes wish for in his writing.