#1
tick
tock
tick
tock


the soothing darkness
binding the silence
broken by the moonlight
on your trembling hands
as we come face to face,
the executioner and
the soon to be vanquished

tick
tock
tick
tick
tick


my eyes soaking you in
until your pleas for mercy become
a monotone
a drone,
you shall receive none
for neither of us has faltered
and I can do this all night
Last edited by canvasDude at Jul 22, 2009,
#2
It's good. I like the feeling of dread, because we're not sure if "you," the persona, is the executioner or the soon to be vanquished until the end.
The only thing I'd change is the end of the third to last line. I dunno, it might just be me, but "none" doesn't seem like the right word.
But that's being nit-picky.
Great job.
#3
Quote by re-chorder
It's good. I like the feeling of dread, because we're not sure if "you," the persona, is the executioner or the soon to be vanquished until the end.
The only thing I'd change is the end of the third to last line. I dunno, it might just be me, but "none" doesn't seem like the right word.
But that's being nit-picky.
Great job.


Thank you, if you have anything you want crit on just let me know. Btw, this may sound dark but it's actually my version of cynical humour. If any of you figure it out, I'll crit 3 of your pieces. All the clues are there (face to face, trembling hands, etc.), good luck.
#4
This is cute, and captures a nice little image. It also reconfirms why I have a digital clock in my bedroom .

I didn't like how the ticking changed from one part to the next though, I was wondering why so many ticks all of a sudden. It's a very brief piece of writing so I can't really comment on much else.
#5
Quote by rush4life
This is cute, and captures a nice little image. It also reconfirms why I have a digital clock in my bedroom .

I didn't like how the ticking changed from one part to the next though, I was wondering why so many ticks all of a sudden. It's a very brief piece of writing so I can't really comment on much else.


close but no cigar... and thank you
#7
Firstly, elipses. I've been guilty of using them many times before, but not at any time in this piece do they actually work. Maybe put the "tick tocks" in italics and lose the ellipses. Definitely lose the ellipses in the last stanza. Secondly, this beg beg beg beggged for punctuation. Especially the second stanza, that was really difficult to parse at times. I had to re-read the last few lines to get what you were after. The problem being it's three or four sentences reading as one whole sentence. Which is just really confusing. Outside of the actual writing style, this was really rather good. The content was strong and rather original and your word choice for the most part worked in your favour. I look forward to reading more.
#8
Either this is about sex, or it is about sex for me. In the first case, you have concocted an amazing metaphor. In the second case, you have written a poem that at least one person can connect to. Both cases are very good. I personally liked this more than your other piece.

I must point out that the word "none" in the second stanza seemed very wrong. I think it's because of the very elegant rhyme of "monotone" and "drone" before it, having a word that sounds almost like them just after feels wrong.

Great job.
#9
Quote by kdownes
Firstly, elipses. I've been guilty of using them many times before, but not at any time in this piece do they actually work. Maybe put the "tick tocks" in italics and lose the ellipses. Definitely lose the ellipses in the last stanza. Secondly, this beg beg beg beggged for punctuation. Especially the second stanza, that was really difficult to parse at times. I had to re-read the last few lines to get what you were after. The problem being it's three or four sentences reading as one whole sentence. Which is just really confusing. Outside of the actual writing style, this was really rather good. The content was strong and rather original and your word choice for the most part worked in your favour. I look forward to reading more.


I will definitely take your advice. After rereading it I feel they are unnecessary and don't fit my style.

Quote by WTFIsModernRock
Either this is about sex, or it is about sex for me. In the first case, you have concocted an amazing metaphor. In the second case, you have written a poem that at least one person can connect to. Both cases are very good. I personally liked this more than your other piece.

I must point out that the word "none" in the second stanza seemed very wrong. I think it's because of the very elegant rhyme of "monotone" and "drone" before it, having a word that sounds almost like them just after feels wrong.

Great job.


Since no one as come as close as you, I shall reveal the meaning. It is a double entendre (sorry if it's spelled wrong, I speak French). It is firstly about sex, and secondly my staredown with an alarm clock after she falls asleep. This can be deduced by the "face to face," "trembling hands," and the ticking of the clock. They all have multiple meanings, sexual and literal. Glad you enjoyed.
Last edited by canvasDude at Jul 21, 2009,
#10
Quote by canvasDude

Let's get to it!
tick
tock
tick
tock


the soothing darkness
binding the silence
broken by the moonlight
on your trembling hands
as we come face to face
the executioner and
the soon to be vanquished
Okay, at first glance this is very well, coherently written. I easily made sense of it and quite liked it. However, I think it needs some punctuation; particularly a semi colon after "face to face". That way it'll be easier to read.

tick
tock
tick
tick
tick

I really liked the sudden build up of "tick"s here. The effect it created, for me anyway, of this sudden rise in tension was perfect!

staring at each other
Didn't really like staring, I think you can come up with something better here.
until your pleas for mercy become
a monotone
a drone
Again, this really really really needs a pause after this line; a semi colon, colon, whatever, but it definitely needs it.
you shall receive none
for neither of us has faltered
and I can do this all night
The line ending with "faltered" wasn't amazing, I think you could stick something better there. The last line was perfect, however. The ending was fantastically chilling, I liked it a lot!


Thank you for taking a look at my piece.
Hope this helps.
#11
@michal23, thank you for you crit and kind words. But I happen to hate semicolons, colons,etc. The only punctuation I like to use is commas or parenthesis. I guess I'll have to figure something out.
#12
Sorry for not critiquing sooner, i went camping for a week and unfortunately, there was no oppurtunity to use the computer. I don't know what to say about this piece. I really liked the tick-tock element you used in this piece. It was a well written piece. I liked it.
Thanks for the crit on mine, many thanks
#13
Quote by canvasDude
tick
tock
tick
tock[/off-putting at first. honestly, because it reminded me of that crappy metallica song. UGGGGGGGGHHHHH I]


the soothing darkness
binding the silence
binding the silence.....to what? itself? think about your articles and your word choices. i know what youre trying to say, but you're saying it incorrectly
broken by the moonlight
on your trembling hands
here begins the clock/terrifying sex metaphor. not a bad start
as we come face to face,
double meaning of 'come', im guessing?
the executioner and
the soon to be vanquishedi understand the sex part of this. almost a BDSM sort of thing. but the clock part? not really. unless youre breaking the clock, or you consider being put to sleep as being 'vanquished'.....


tick
tock
tick
tick
tick

i truly dont think this needs to be repeated. a line break would more than likely be fine

my eyes soaking you in
until your pleas for mercy become
again, the sex part makes sense. the clock part i dont get.
a monotone
a drone,
A) i think 'a monotone' sounds awkward. maybe thats just me. I prefer it as an adjective. B) the fact that monotone and drone rhyme works against you here in my opinion. it makes it sound silly.
you shall receive none
granted, sentence structure isnt a MUST in poetry, but the way this is divided, the 'recieving' and the 'mercy' are far enough apart to cause confusion. also- a minor detail, but i dont like the choice of 'shall'
for neither of us has faltered
and I can do this all night
a suitable, but underwhelming ending


i like the overarching idea, but the execution needs some work in spots. i also think that the clock/sex metaphor could be given a bit more attention. maybe use the phrase 'wound up' to imply an analog clocks inner workings, and the man's desire to have sex? just a thought. either way its good, but id love to see a revision.

c4c? my most recent is 'soapbox'. its in my sig.
cheers
~b