#1
Hey Mary, in the high-heel shoes
you'd walk on corpses just to do what you wanna do,
wouldn't you?
Walk on by

Remember when you were a child,
your rabbit died and you buried it and cried,
didn't you?
Where's that girl now?

Hey Mary, hail Mary
Hey Mary, pray for forgiveness

Woman, it's 3 AM
and I'm still awake, no rest again,
nothing new
Nothing new

Remember when we used to lie
on the grass and watch the sky
and go to sleep
Where's that sleep now?

Hey Mary, hail Mary
Hey Mary, pray for forgiveness

Hey Mary, with the jet black hair
we walked on by, we were right where we wanted to be,
didn't we?
We walked on by.

Remember when your hair was fair,
and your shoulders were naked in the morning air
on the beach
Where's that day now?

Hey Mary, hail Mary
Hey Mary, pray for forgiveness

Sometimes I hate you, and I hate myself
Sometimes I miss you, and I hate myself even more
I miss your smile, I miss your hands
I miss your breath upon my neck
I hate your grin, I hate your guts
I hate your presence upon my shoulder
It's getting colder and colder

Hey Mary, hail Mary
Hey Mary, pray for forgiveness

Hey Mary, hail Mary
Hey Mary, pray for forgiveness
#2
I really like it personally.
But The title a bit over-used for example-"hey Jude","hey Joe"
My Gig Rig...

Fender Straocaster or Gibson Les Paul Slash Special -->Lovepedal Amp 50 --> Boss DD-3 --> Crybaby(soon to be Wh10 reissue) --> Big Muff PI --> Boss DS-2 --> Marshall JCM 900
#3
You are correct. This is partly written on the spot, and that was the obvious choice for a title. It's not final.
#5
I do have a tendency of being overly wordy, so I'm trying to be a bit more expressive with fewer descriptions.
#6
If really enjoyed it . Don't worry about being wordy, just write what you feel. Strong imagery is one of my favorite things (as you can probably tell) and it makes the reader connect more with the poem. I think the rhyme scheme and chorus were a bit repetitive, but it was great nonetheless. If you wouldn't mind checking out the other piece in my sig, I'd be happy to crit any of your other work.
#7
Yes, I can see where you're coming from, of course this sort of thing works much better when you hear the whole song, music, melody and all.