#1
haha, i wish. ever taken a photo only to realise it says a fraction of what it should? meh, kill this please. c4c and all that shiz.

[font="Book Antiqua"][u]the only moment we were alone[/u]

flames lick the night and flicker and dance
to wild rhythms spinning out of galloping heartbeats.
tingling hands; excitement, swallowed back into our lungs
explodes in fireworks, echoes amongst the ancient trees,
awakening the child's dream that's been hiding,
all along, behind our glowing eyes,
and we can feel it bursting into life.
and somewhere in my mind, the patter of cold feet
stumbles on the silence like eyelids on summer heat.
your hand grips mine tighter, and you raise your marble eyes,
which with pine needle eyelashes paint stars onto the night,
and they burn; burn, like your heart amongst the ashes;
like words burn in my throat,
and choke; on the only moment we were alone.[/FONT]
#2
This is a beautiful, beautiful poem. The imagery is powerful, and so provocative. And I could understand everything you meant to say, even the bits of back-story tucked in there. What an absolutely gorgeous poem. I wish I could be more helpful. If it's not too much trouble, could you check out the first one in my sig? Once again, outstanding! <3

EDIT: How do I nominate this for WoTM?

EDITEDIT: *WotW*
Last edited by canvasDude at Jul 21, 2009,
#3
I'm going to be short here, because there's not much to critisize on this one..
It's very well written! Clearly you can trigger the reader to imagine all these scenes in their heads. All seems so well at the start, during the whole poem in fact. Then at the 2 last lines there's a big turn and everything seems to fall down. Choking on words the only time you were ever alone, resulting into nothing.. Quite touching if I may say so!
Are you going to record it? Cause I'd love to hear how emotional you can bring this one!
Feel free to check out my latest song, it's in my sig..
I have to admit.. kudos to you!
#4
It's great!!
I love all the images you call up.
I agree with Fzau, there's not much to critisize.
Although...what are you trying to say with marble eyes? are they cold as stone? are they the color of marble? ?
I'd like it if you'd tell me.
Good job.
#5
Thanks very much guys, I really appreciate it. Fzau, I have music for it I'll try get around to recording it some time soon, but I have rubbish internet at the moment so I don't know if I'll be able to upload it.

re-chorder, marble eyes is just a description of the texture... you know that kind of polished stone glow that you sometimes see in someone's pupils?

canvasDude, I think you have to PM a mod or something, idk. I'll get to yours now.

Again, thanks everyone.
#6
this poem is beautiful


only thing,

like words burn in my throat,
and choke; on the only moment we were alone


I read it as, "like words that burn in my throat" or "like words burning in my throat", maybe that is what you mean.
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Jul 22, 2009,
#7
you have a very elegant sense of flow, which is unique to someone as irritating as you.

there is nothing that i can personally tear apart here, unfortunately. but i can say this:
it's all well and good having illogical amounts of beauty, but unless i find something disjointed within it, something off-putting - but equally pretty - all i'll find is a single red rose inside a field of red roses.

do you understand what i mean?

what i want to see from you is a stinging nettle in that field of roses. it takes a long time to see the relevance and ingenuity of it, but it's all the more rewarding when you do discover it.
i'd like to believe that the girl that i'm going to live with forever won't want want a clumsy amount of flowers on our second date. i hope she'd want one; a perfect one.

i respect beauty all the more when it is done in small quantities.
#8
I've read this many, many times, and it's still flawless, Michal. This is the talent that was there all along, shining through bright and clear. Well done.
#9
Thank you guys.

Dan, I know exactly what you mean; I've been trying to get something like that for so long, and have been failing for a while now. This is really my second piece that I feel has anything worth reading in it - I'm just hoping I can build off from here.

Thanks again, everyone.