#1
this is one my first attemps at writing a song so it's not so great but here it is anyway:

Nothing Lasts forever
Except this war inside my head.
Everything I touch turns to dust
Falls to pieces
And drops dead.
Relentlessly it takes my strength, will to go on
And any remaining friends.
Instead it makes hate, fear,
And shame for me
This never ends.
How can this be fixed when the solutions life
Love, and death all fail.
There is no way out I'm gonna die,
Burn, screech, and wail.

I cant Think or breath blink or sneeze there's a gun at my head.
But is it there?
This isn't fair!
Why can't this just be over instead?
It's all a mistake.
Your all ****ing fakes.
This isn't a just a dream.
So cut my head off clean.
Rip apart my spleen and make this end.


Why is this my life why couldn't I just die in battle.
I need to leave this place yea I'm gonna ride away on a horse's sattle.
One by one they fade away one by one they try to stand but farther away they fall.
And in the end there are none left and soon I've lost them all.
So here we are again on the mountains edge and again here you start to slip.
I can't help but think that this is it we are over, done, and through I know now that I am right and I loose my grip.
As You Fall Away To.


I know it sucks but it's like one of my first so just try to keep this to advice and not mockery. c4c
Last edited by Ponyexpress at Jul 22, 2009,
#2
Everything I touch turns to dust falls to pieces, and drops dead.
Relentlessly it takes my strength, will to go on, and any remaining freinds.
Instead it makes hate, fear, and shame for me this never ends.
How can this be fixed when the solutions life, love, and death all fail.
There is no way out I'm gonna die, burn, screech, and wail.
Ok I read this and thought that the syllables of the lines don't match up. I'd suggest something more like:

Nothing Lasts forever
Except this war inside my head.
Everything I touch turns to dust
Falls to pieces
And drops dead.
Relentlessly it takes my strength, will to go on
And any remaining friends.
Instead it makes hate, fear,
And shame for me
This never ends.
How can this be fixed when the solutions life
Love, and death all fail.
There is no way out I'm gonna die,
Burn, screech, and wail.

I think more line breaks are better than longer lines. If you disagree, feel free to ignore me.


No this isn't what you think this song isn't about you making my heart sink.
WTF is this part of the song? I'm confused

I cant Think or breath blink or sneeze there's a gun at my head.
But is it there?
This isn't fair!
Why can't this just be over instead?
It's all a mistake.
Your all ****ing fakes.
This isn't a just a dream.
So cut my head off clean.
Rip apart my spleen and make this end.
Really effective and moving here, I love songs like this. Really well rendered

Why is this my life why couldn't I just die in battle.
I need to leave this place yea I'm gonna ride away on a horse's sattle.
The first line is excellent but the second seems to move away from the previous mood to a much lighter concept. You went from wanting to die to wanting to ride away on a horse. It doesn't fit
One by one they fade away one by one they try to stand but farther away they fall.
And in the end there are none left and soon I've lost them all.
So here we are again on the mountains edge and again here you start to slip.
I can't help but think that this is it we are over, done, and through I know now that I am right and I loose my grip.
As You Fall Away To.
Except for the second line, this is a really good paragraph. Just remember what I said anout the line breaks
______________________________

For a first timer, this song is excellent. Really well done. With a few adjustments you can turn this into amazing. I loved it.

I would appreciate crits on my piece (link in sig)
#3
Quote by 1nSingularity
Everything I touch turns to dust falls to pieces, and drops dead.
Relentlessly it takes my strength, will to go on, and any remaining freinds.
Instead it makes hate, fear, and shame for me this never ends.
How can this be fixed when the solutions life, love, and death all fail.
There is no way out I'm gonna die, burn, screech, and wail.
Ok I read this and thought that the syllables of the lines don't match up. I'd suggest something more like:

Nothing Lasts forever
Except this war inside my head.
Everything I touch turns to dust
Falls to pieces
And drops dead.
Relentlessly it takes my strength, will to go on
And any remaining friends.
Instead it makes hate, fear,
And shame for me
This never ends.
How can this be fixed when the solutions life
Love, and death all fail.
There is no way out I'm gonna die,
Burn, screech, and wail.

I think more line breaks are better than longer lines. If you disagree, feel free to ignore me.


No this isn't what you think this song isn't about you making my heart sink.
WTF is this part of the song? I'm confused

I cant Think or breath blink or sneeze there's a gun at my head.
But is it there?
This isn't fair!
Why can't this just be over instead?
It's all a mistake.
Your all ****ing fakes.
This isn't a just a dream.
So cut my head off clean.
Rip apart my spleen and make this end.
Really effective and moving here, I love songs like this. Really well rendered

Why is this my life why couldn't I just die in battle.
I need to leave this place yea I'm gonna ride away on a horse's sattle.
The first line is excellent but the second seems to move away from the previous mood to a much lighter concept. You went from wanting to die to wanting to ride away on a horse. It doesn't fit
One by one they fade away one by one they try to stand but farther away they fall.
And in the end there are none left and soon I've lost them all.
So here we are again on the mountains edge and again here you start to slip.
I can't help but think that this is it we are over, done, and through I know now that I am right and I loose my grip.
As You Fall Away To.
Except for the second line, this is a really good paragraph. Just remember what I said anout the line breaks
______________________________

For a first timer, this song is excellent. Really well done. With a few adjustments you can turn this into amazing. I loved it.

I would appreciate crits on my piece (link in sig)


thanks I appricate the advice that one line there "No this isn't what you think this song isn't about you making my heart sink." that was sorta spossed to be a prechorus but i don't really like it so i think I'll take it out
#4
It needs to be shorter, it's almost as long as a lord of the rings book.
And I don't like the use of ****ing in there, I think that when there's a profanity in a song it dumbs it down.

The ideas are all there it it seems good though, just the length I found to be off putting.

gg
Quote by AlanHB
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#5
Quote by Solid S/hit
It needs to be shorter, it's almost as long as a lord of the rings book.
And I don't like the use of ****ing in there, I think that when there's a profanity in a song it dumbs it down.

The ideas are all there it it seems good though, just the length I found to be off putting.

gg

I like long songs I don't think it would actually come out as long as it looks in a song it's probably like a 4-5 minute song at most.
#6
Right,
One thing i'd say is, try to have at least a vague running theme when writing a song, 'cause at a glance this is just a bunch of lines that rhyme.

I have no problem with the word ***ing being used in songs, it is a form of expressing an extreme sudden emotion and it is useful for grabbing attention. If this was your aim you could have gone further eg.
'****** ***ing fakes'
the alliteration making it stand out more.
But i think as it's one of your first pieces it's more likely you weren't really sure what to put down and a swear seem easiest. Nothing wrong with that, we've all done it.
The rhythm in it could work, but try to get a running theme, or at least some really catchy lines that don't have to mean anything.

and please take this part out

'One by one they fade away one by one they try to stand but farther away they fall.
And in the end there are none left and soon I've lost them all.'

it sounds like the 'Grand Old Duke of York'!

There's some promise though.
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#7
Quote by mcmeddesr
Right,
One thing i'd say is, try to have at least a vague running theme when writing a song, 'cause at a glance this is just a bunch of lines that rhyme.

I have no problem with the word ***ing being used in songs, it is a form of expressing an extreme sudden emotion and it is useful for grabbing attention. If this was your aim you could have gone further eg.
'****** ***ing fakes'
the alliteration making it stand out more.
But i think as it's one of your first pieces it's more likely you weren't really sure what to put down and a swear seem easiest. Nothing wrong with that, we've all done it.
The rhythm in it could work, but try to get a running theme, or at least some really catchy lines that don't have to mean anything.

and please take this part out

'One by one they fade away one by one they try to stand but farther away they fall.
And in the end there are none left and soon I've lost them all.'

it sounds like the 'Grand Old Duke of York'!

There's some promise though.
Ru.


Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men,
He marched them up to the top of
Everyone stands up
The hill and he marched
Them down again. Everyone sits down

And when they were up they were up.
Everyone stands up
And when they were down they were down.
Everyone sits down
And when they were only half way up,
They were neither up nor down.
Everyone half-way up

there's nothing about one by one in that poem and that particular line was esential to what the origonal theme of the song was suposed to be which i really did stray from the origonal theme was going to be "losing freinds" that seems to happen to me alot but I threw a bunch of other stuff in there I was thinking about doing some other stuff with this then taking some of the other lines that don't work well with it and using them in another song the use of ****ing there i debated with my self about then I figured John Lennon did it "working class hero" lots of others have to but that one stands out to me Lennon is regarded as a great by some the greatest so I decided that, not only because i thought it help the flow, I thought it would really express sincerity in what I was saying
#8
Oh the grand old duke of york
he had ten thousand men
and he marched them up to the top of the hill
and he had them all again, hey!

Yeah, there's nothing particularly wrong with profanity in songs as long as it's not gratuitous.

if you could check mine out that'd be greatly appreciated.
It's called, 'Dirty Little Scapegoat'
can't be bothered doing a link.

Cheers
Ru.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!