#1
the tables were set, the seats alligned
every pea eaten, every drug test passed
setting aside the habits of
leaving dirty dishes and
yelling at old people on the street

just once a week
is not enough
to toil the mind
to waste much time
to ruin a lover
to hurt a mother
to lose a job
or be unkind.

'you're excused,' she said quite clearly
off the hook, unchained
rid you of watching your friends get high
and sticking around for the scent,
rid you of needing to stimiulate minds
when late-night tv will do.

rise from the table
brush off some crumbs
give her the finger
man, are you smooth.

take the first toke
after a year of being clean
damn, it's been a long time
for a man who loves his green

come back the next day,
not surprised to see
you high off your mind...
you're a man who loves green

after a month
of living the dream
to hell with once a week
bitch, i love my green.

just once a week
is not enough
to satisfy
the biggest buff
to stir some joy
and fuck some girls
too bad they don't come by no more.
well
shit,
i
still
have
my
green.


there once was a time when we sat all alone
the fireflies buzzed between us like
the sparks generated off your tongue
from the words, the words,
the words of wisdom, of strife
times of escape, times of realization
and moments of pure honesty.
the flies glowed in the trees
like a silent reminder of
the existence of the universe, everlong
of things we'll never know and
can only hope to discover,
a sky of stars even when
puffs of clouds covered the moon.
you'll never puff a cloud as great, no.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Jul 22, 2009,
#3
i like gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggrass!

EDIT: sorry, i don't know what I was thinking. *correction, I don't remember (if you get what I'm saying). I will add a crit in the morning.
Last edited by canvasDude at Jul 23, 2009,
#5
I like the overall plot of this piece, but there are a few problems. Firstly, the word green felt overused. I'm sure you could think of more synonyms or metaphors (grass, weed, pot, herb, leaves, etc.). But I still really enjoyed it. Secondly, the last stanza is a ****ing brick dude! It's two run-on (and on and on...) sentences. I'm positive you could do better than that. The content is great, but you need to work on structure. I don't have any new pieces since I got in trouble (over posting). An honestly, after my other post I don't feel like I deserve any crit anyways. Keep up the good work
#6
I quite like the way it goes from a punkish sort of narration throughout most of the song, but changes in the last stanza to slightly more poetic. It looks good, and I'm guessing it'd be some sort of medley or something?
Back and sexier than ever

Co-founder and #1 member of The Pick-Eater's club. PM me to join.
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#8
There was a lot of engaging material in this. I read down quickly and it drew me in.

My problems with it were mostly in structure and the way you closed it. In your mind, you may have given us all we needed to find closure... but I was struggling to find any closure other than what I assumed you were leading toward... well, what I had hoped you were leaning toward. There is very little definition to the last stanza outside of what the reader added. It was sort of empty words that didn't even let us into your world anymore. At least, that's how it felt to me... I could just be missing it.

I also didn't like stretching that one line
all
the
way
down
the
page.

I thought that structure was too much staccato. I liked the idea of using the line breaks as pauses... but thought it was too strong and made an important, but ultimately not that interesting line stick out in a bad way.

I still enjoyed this, love.

Sailor's in sig, if you feel like it.
#9
I like how easy it is to misinterpret this. Also, the lazy and mish-mashy feel was pretty well done.
My only qualm is that it seems to drag on longer than I would personally wish for.
#10
Quote by vintage x metal
the tables were set, the seats alligned
every pea eaten, every drug test passed
setting aside the habits of
leaving dirty dishes and
yelling at old people on the street

This was awesome, but I wasn't too fond of the line-breaks here; it didn't work against the overall flow but it didn't add to it either, which is important.

just once a week
is not enough
to toil the mind
to waste much time
to ruin a lover
to hurt a mother
to lose a job
or be unkind.

The line breaks here were much better and i enjoyed your diction. It flowed well.

'you're excused,' she said quite clearly
off the hook, unchained
rid you of watching your friends get high
and sticking around for the scent,
rid you of needing to stimiulate minds
when late-night tv will do.


rise from the table
brush off some crumbs
give her the finger
man, are you smooth.

No complaints at all; these two stanzas were excellent.

take the first toke
after a year of being clean
damn, it's been a long time
for a man who loves his green

This didn't do anything for me, but yet it seems quite significant to the piece. Perhaps rewrite that last line; it felt very obtrusive.

come back the next day,
not surprised to see
you high off your mind...
you're a man who loves green

This simply worked, very well.

after a month
of living the dream
to hell with once a week
bitch, i love my green.

I'm not too sure if this was necessary; perhaps it would be better if this was omitted from the piece?

just once a week
is not enough
to satisfy
the biggest buff
to stir some joy
and fuck some girls
too bad they don't come by no more.
well
shit,
i
still
have
my
green.

I just didn't feel this, it almost felt like you went on a tantrum; this felt too detached from any overall structure. It was too overbearing and I didn't enjoy the line breaks, at all.


there once was a time when we sat all alone
the fireflies buzzed between us like
the sparks generated off your tongue
from the words, the words,
the words of wisdom, of strife
times of escape, times of realization
and moments of pure honesty.
the flies glowed in the trees
like a silent reminder of
the existence of the universe, everlong
of things we'll never know and
can only hope to discover,
a sky of stars even when
puffs of clouds covered the moon.
you'll never puff a cloud as great, no.

This was brilliant, you know. Although it was quite loose from the story, it felt relevant and... necessary. It felt like a breath of fresh air.


Overall, I did enjoy this. Thank you for posting.

Or and if you have time please comment on my latest piece, here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1169354
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 25, 2009,