#1
"I'm confused"

The car flips a full 360 degrees,
and we are driving under the parking lot.
My brain short circuits,
trying to process what has just been said to me.

"Ya hear that, Heart? She said SHE'S confused."

crack.
sizzle.


Looks like my Heart will be of no use on this one.

"Oh really? You're confused?"

The car is sideways now,
but we are no longer in the parking lot.
We are nowhere.
We are everywhere.
We are anywhere.
Anywhere but here.

"Yeah, I just don't know what to do"

More rotations.
More short circuits.
More cracking, more sizzling.
And at that moment,
I almost lose it.
I almost start telling her all the things I want to say.
I almost start asking her all these questions I have.
And honestly,
I don't know how I keep it all down.


My heart finally finds its tongue in the midst of this chaos.

"What's this, Brain? She says SHE is confused?"

"Yeah, man."

"Well, you tell her she can borrow my fucking shoes."


And well, He almost does.


I wish he would.


My inner Teenager is showing here, but I don't care. I needed to get this off my chest.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Jul 23, 2009,
#3
You weren't supposed to get it. If you do manage, then that's a bonus. I wrote this for me. I just posted it on here to get it all out of me completely.

But don't you at least have any criticism of the actual writing itself?
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
I really liked how you alternated your literal thought process with your metaphorical one, as illustrated in a car spinning out of control. It was a really interesting technique and I think you more than pulled it off. Moreover, I liked your brain's conversation with yourself - I've always been a fan of the whole conversation-within-oneself technique.

One thing that I would've liked to have seen was a conclusion to your metaphorical thought process/the car. It says that it's ended up sideways in some unknown place. However, it may just be a personal thing, but I felt that it could've been expounded on a little more and that the way it is now makes me feel like something's missing. That's just me though.

It's great the way it is.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Well, you could use a rhyme scheme.
The lines were not all that original, just telling a story I guess.

I love when people use lots of adjectives and create a world around you just with words which didn't really happen with this one.

Reasonable, lots of adjectives and a decent rhyming would help you out really.
And me criting something I don't have the foggiest idea what it's about, it's hard.

So, yeah, if you only wrote this for yourself, keep it for yourself.
'Cause if it's really personal at a level that only the people who lived it know what it's about, it's like an inside joke and that's not pleasant for the reader.

Just saying

-JL
Quote by imdeth


I'm funny

BLUES
#6
"I'm confused" "I'm confused is a very vague statement", what could it possibly be that would cause a car to figuratively flip over? Maybe if you could be a bit more specific of what this confusion/what the problem is the idea could come off stronger.

The car flips a full 360 degrees, I find this humorous. It makes me think of a hyperbolized version of a guy choking on his soup.
and we are driving under the parking lot.
My brain short circuits,
trying to process what has just been said to me.

"Ya hear that, Heart? She said SHE'S confused."

crack.
sizzle.


Looks like my Heart will be of no use on this one.

"Oh really? You're confused?"

The car is sideways now, the phrase "the car is sideways" made me think things are returning to a state of normalcy (sideways being closer to level than upside down), but its seems like things are getting worse, kind of contradictory.
but we are no longer in the parking lot.
We are nowhere.
We are everywhere.
We are anywhere.
Anywhere but here.

I don't like sentences of this type, they are a chore to read. I think you could express this in a different way.

"Yeah, I just don't know what to do"

More rotations.
More short circuits.
More cracking, more sizzling.
And at that moment,
I almost lose it.
I almost start telling her all the things I want to say.
I almost start asking her all these questions I have.
And honestly,
I don't know how I keep it all down.
^maybe expand more on the sensations of "keeping it down"?I am beginning to get interested here. I think there is potential to touch more on the sensations of "keeping it down".


My heart finally finds it's tongue in the midst of this chaos.

"What's this, Brain? She says SHE is confused?"

"Yeah, man." I am also very confused.

"Well, you tell her she can borrow my fucking shoes." I didn't get this, what does "to lend one's shoes" mean?


And well, He almost does.


I wish he would.


My inner Teenager is showing here, but I don't care. I needed to get this off my chest.

t'was a good read, the idea was interesting, paralleling the confusion with the state of the car. I felt you could expland more on it though
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#7
(To megashredder, mostly.)Thanks for the proper crit. I'll get to your later. And Subway, next time you post something I'll crit that since I already did your jerusalem piece.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
"I'm confused"

The car flips a full 360 degrees,
and we are driving under the parking lot.
My brain short circuits,
trying to process what has just been said to me.

"Ya hear that, Heart? She said SHE'S confused."

crack.
sizzle.


Looks like my Heart will be of no use on this one.

"Oh really? You're confused?"

The car is sideways now,
but we are no longer in the parking lot.
We are nowhere.
We are everywhere.
We are anywhere.
Anywhere but here.

"Yeah, I just don't know what to do"

More rotations.
More short circuits.
More cracking, more sizzling.
And at that moment,
I almost lose it.
I almost start telling her all the things I want to say.
I almost start asking her all these questions I have.
And honestly,
I don't know how I keep it all down.


My heart finally finds its tongue in the midst of this chaos.

"What's this, Brain? She says SHE is confused?"

"Yeah, man."

"Well, you tell her she can borrow my fucking shoes."


And well, He almost does.


I wish he would.


Tomorrow there will be Deep Sky Blue criticism through out this piece.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#9
Why do people insist on writing in blue? Some people use the Black theme, and blue is fairly painful.

It was the only task I would undertake...

I P R O G
...to reap the harvest that was mine


- [ P R O G - H E A D ? ] -
#10
I really didn't like the title. I still feel that you've used more words than you've needed to, like this could be condensed.
#11
Hmm. It seems that's something I need to work on...
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black