#1
In my sig you might find the first one. =)


Hold It: Part II


I let out an overdue sigh. My eyes slowly open to reveal nothing unusual. Damn, I can't do anything right.

As I get to my feet my nerves begin to kick in and begin logging into the system. In no time at all they're up and running and sending the main computer numerous messages of pain. My brain has been blended into a thick paste and can't process any of it. On top of that, the paste has been inflated to six times its original size causing my skull to be on the verge of exploding. It's overwhelming.

After a few minutes, the computer successfully deciphers one coded message. I reach up to rub the back of my head and find a warm, gooey substance. How delightful.

Shit. I look down at a halfassed snow angel. Well, that's what my imprint looks like. I must have been twitching on the ground a bit. The pavement is visible. I must have melted the half of an inch of snow that was there. I feel around and realize that my entire back is soaked or has snow clinging to it. I knock the snow off and then more nerves hook into the system. Old man winter is kicking my ass.

Instinctively, I run. Sheer instinct leads me running down 8th street. Six blocks fly by and I make a turn at Maple. I almost slip and kill myself due to trying to change direction but forgetting to slow down. However, a snow bank saves me. I stay on Maple and pass Birch Lane. One. Two. Three. Four. I cut through the snowy lawn and start walking up the icy steps. Each heavy fall of my foot is accompanied by my lungs expanding and contracting seven or eight in a quest for toxin.

At the top of the mountain I don't have time to celebrate. I fish into my pocket and start fiddling for my house key. Jack Frost graces me with his presence early this year and is relentlessly nipping at my nose. I shove the key into the lock, twist, and open the door. I enter the euphoria of warmth and belonging I left almost a half an hour ago. In the darkness I stumble around and eventually ease my way into my own bed.

--------------------------------------------------------

The alarm goes off at 10:00. Snooze. 10:10 I reluctantly get up. Sunday, the day for me to rest and find a purpose to live again. After all, I could have leaned over the overpass after I woke up but here I am at home. I open up the newspaper and glance at the date, the 21st. Funny, I could have sworn today was the 14th. For the first time in my life I read the whole newspaper. The ads and all. The strangest thing though, on my quest for life I decided to skim through the obituaries. However, I caught my own eye. Apparently I fell off an overpass and created a little mess.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#2
I have to say that I liked the first one alot more. The imagery was much better, and I felt like I was actually on the edge of the overpass when reading it. This one didn't quite pull me in like the other one did. I think in the beginning, it you should have emphasized how much pain you were in, because it seems like you would be in much more pain than what you described. The computer thing just makes it seem like you are detached, if that's the right word. Also, I don't think you properly emphasized how cold it is. I loved the ending. You wrapped it up quite neatly and the last line really made me stop and go "whoa".

It was a very, very interesting read. Well written.


Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Yeah, I see what you mean. However, I wanted the pain to slowly grow and grow. Which I kinda forgot about but hey, its ots/wip.
The whole cold thing is just signifying death. It isn't cold at all. Well, it is. =P
I was considering adding frostbite or some side effect such as that to the character but by the time I was nearing the end I just wanted to finish. *shrug*
Thanks.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Recommended threads
Lilitu
Ghoulhunter!
4
486
Last post:
by Snyper
Aztec guitars
guitarstar
0
1,103
Last post:
by guitarstar