#1
These rich kids and their pills and ropes
Supple hearts bubble gum blood
Daytime bravado underneath the covers
Flash floods, dark sky,
Sludge in footprints
Leaves a trail

Tito, MJ, Tyson
Meet in a bar
Only one thing in common
But they talk until dawn

Inside the square circle
Ex-WWF champ the Undertaker
Drags a heavy glove across his throat
Points to the risen angel Shawn Michaels
And whispers deliberately into the mic-
“It’s hell getting to heaven,
It’s heaven getting to hell”
#2
“It’s hell getting to heaven,
It’s heaven getting to hell”


That could be one of the smartest things you've ever written

I really didn't like anything about the first stanza, the second gave me a bit of something, but the fact that it was followed by the third stanza made it pointless. The third stanza is definitely the best. Main problem here is that all three stanzas feel completely disconnected. Second problem, untile the final stanza, I didn't feel anything. How many times have you told me off for "having no character" etc? Well, until the last stanza, this had no life, no character, no grit or power. I would love to see the other two stanzas as good as the last one or a new peice based around the last stana, or something, because at the moment the fact that nothing works together here ruins it.
#3
These rich kids and their pills and ropes
Supple hearts bubble gum blood
Daytime bravado underneath the covers
Flash floods, dark sky,
Sludge in footprints
Leaves a trail
Here's what I think. This stanza is a sentence started, "These kids..." and I'm missing the point. These kids ARE something, they WERE something, they DID whatever... etc. I thought it was quite clever at first because I was expecting to figure out what the end of the sentence was by the end of the piece, but I didn't. Then I thought that maybe it was one of those self-explaining unfinished sentences, but you didn't really present the piece this way, so it was a miss for me. I thought the descriptions in this stanza were pretty generic too, to be honest.

Tito, MJ, Tyson
Meet in a bar
Only one thing in common
But they talk until dawn
The only part of this piece that actually felt real and raw to me and I wish you used such simple words with your writing more often. Feels to me like you're afraid of stripping down your writing to the bare necessities, but I think you should try it more often. I like it, anyway.

Inside the square circle
Ex-WWF champ the Undertaker
Drags a heavy glove across his throat
Points to the risen angel Shawn Michaels
And whispers deliberately into the mic-
“It’s hell getting to heaven,
It’s heaven getting to hell”
I know the "square circle" was a play on the ring, but I thought it was too obvious and a bit forced. It was an okay stanza, but it wasn't strong enough as the closing stanza. I honestly feel this piece would have been twice as strong if you switched stanzas 2 and 3. It would have been a nice ending for the unfinished line of thought from the first stanza too.

My thoughts.
This is not a pipe
#4
This felt cold and distant, absurdly so. I don't know whether that was purposeful, or not, but it made this very difficult to enjoy.
The strong sense of "propriety" created a really malefic and emotionless feeling, which is a cool contrast. But what Carmel said was really poignant and important. I think you need to calm down. You're such a strenuous and energetic writer that sometimes I just want you to lay out your feelings with some simple and pretty imagery.
Right now, you're telling me you're afraid of falling back to into a pattern you are not happy with. Maybe because of the "stance" or "position" you have here as an eclectic and intense writer on here? I don't know.

Either way,

These rich kids and their pills and ropes
This was and irritating line. It had no flow or relatibility. Which was maybe your purpose, but it wasn't starkly so, it was kind of in the middle ground.

Supple hearts bubble gum blood
I think you're trying too hard. I really do. It's what has often put me off your writing. Not so much that I wouldn't enjoy reading you, but I just can't see you as favourite - even though you clearly have immense talent and put huge amounts of effort into improving.

Daytime bravado underneath the covers
I like this. It's quirky.
Flash floods, dark sky,
Sludge in footprints
Leaves a trail
I'm kinda lost now. It feels I'm trapped inside a tiny bedroom filled with thousands of pounds worth of Lego.


Tito, MJ, Tyson
Meet in a bar
Only one thing in common
But they talk until dawn
This is very sweet.


Inside the square circle
Ex-WWF champ the Undertaker
Drags a heavy glove across his throat
Points to the risen angel Shawn Michaels
And whispers deliberately into the mic-
“It’s hell getting to heaven,
It’s heaven getting to hell”
The constant punctuation and capitalization in this made it cold. Stone Cold Steve Austin! Clever and funny.

The ending was truly brilliant, if a little unprepared for and sudden.